DylanS

Today, my psychiatrist advised me, yet again, to get some help for living with someone who has "strong narcissistic tendencies". It is her opinion that my living situation is extremely detrimental to my mental/emotional/spiritual health.

I'm wondering if other folks have this situation going on and how they handle it. The only thing I can think of is going to Al-Anon, even though I'm the alcoholic/addict in the relationship, for support and coping skills.

My wife is pretty narcissistic and, though I'm on disability for PTSD/stress from work, and I agreed to her (demanding, narcissistic mother) staying with us for a month, she pushed for more. It was very difficult and has really set me back a great deal. But I never seem to know what's fair, what's selfish, what's too giving/co-dependent, what's too harsh of a 'push-back'. She constantly pushes boundaries and it's f*cking exhausting just to hold basic boundaries in the relationship...not sure where to get support for this kind of thing.

I posted this on the Mental Health board, as well, but thought it might be pertinent for this board, as well, as I really do feel and act like a co-dependent in my relationship.

TIA for any suggestions.

lillamy

Boy, that's a tough one. You're in recovery? And trying to do that while living with a narcissist?

I know AA is not in the business of splitting up families but I could not live with a narcissist again under any circumstances -- drunk, sober, whatever. I was the codie in my relationship with a narcissist, but I could not recover in that environment. So I'm afraid I don't have much help to give you. I know someone else here got the advice that narcissists are best handled by showing them compassion, from a great distance.

Tuffgirl

I think this above is key. Have you considered not living together?

Incidentally, that concept is becoming quite popular with older generations who don't want to live together anymore but don't want a divorce because of benefits and/or financial arrangements. I've also read more about younger couples buying two properties instead of one, or buying a duplex with him on one side and her on the other, etc.

And in all honesty, I really LIKED my now ex husband way better when we didn't live together. I would have totally gone for the duplex idea with an adjoining interior door.

DylanS

Thanks for the responses,

Man, TG, I wish we could afford to live separately - I've joked about it many times. I know of a couple on the other side of town that bought 5 acres and built two separate houses and it works great. I'd be happy to give the wife the house and live in a nice little yurt or something.

Looks like I'll probably need to check out Al-Anon. Man, I hate the idea of going to all kinds of different meetings - I did that way back when (when I was sober a while back) - AA, OA, CA, CODA.

Argnotthisagain

Dylan...hi. Your story really got to me! Touched.

You should definitely check AlAnon....even if it IS a pain. And read here a lot. So helpful because you really need support to do this work. A lot of help here as you start understanding what you're going through.

And don't just assume that there's no way you can live separately--if that's what you want...

love4menotu

Well Dylan.. I guess the question for me was - do I really want to harm myself with the stress of dealing with this person's mental illness?

My answer initially was yes. I would have put myself in harm's way to help him. But then I got to live it. The suffering as a result? Unimaginable.

I will never put another's needs before my own again. I will never be screamed at, I will never be verbally abused, I will never let this happen again. I deserve better, and my children need ME.

Lyn