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lolly112166 06-02-2002 05:56 AM

Sadness in a moment
It truly amazes me how sadness can come at you in a moment. Yesterday I had such a wonderful day! I was happy and carefree. That hasn't happened in such a long time. However, my Uncle called this morning to "tattle" on my Dad. Dad is well into the bottle again. I knew this. Nothing I can do to stop him. But my Uncle called to let me know, in case I didn't. This morning my father is incoherant. He can barely speak on the phone. Too drunk to be able to carry himself across the room I suppose. This is the 4th time in one year. He binges. That is so hard on the body. And he doesn't need any help as he is diabetic. I suppose that this time he will die. I have chosen to walk away. No threats...I don't believe in that. Just stopped answering the phone. I tried to offer assistance but with no luck. Of course, it didn't work. He had to want it to work. HE DOES NOT WANT TO CHANGE. But, he is still my father, and I am sad for the man I lost. The man who rocked me to sleep. The man who taught me to dance. The man who walked me down the isle.

Rev, a question...I just wonder what would Jesus do? This is what bothers me the most. I was raised never to turn my back on anyone. To help and give assistance, no matter what. This is what I am trying to overcome. Professionals call it co-dependancy. I was raised calling it christian brotherhood. How do I walk away completely?


Ogly 06-02-2002 06:26 AM


I don't think people with a heart and a mind ever truly walk away.... iam sure there are some people that can do that - but they must havve a deep dark basement with suchy tight security in order for the feelings never to come out again.... to me that is unhealthy....

i instead find a special warm loving place in my heart for those people who are not in my life - both physically and emotionally and i put all the emotions there and dealwith the emotions as they come....

right now you know your dad is drinking and that this might be the last time for him... that is indeed a very sad thing and anawful time for you..... what it sounds like is you are already starting the grieving process for him... all thye emotions we go through are beneficial for one reason or antoher.... i don't have any real answers except - try not to shut off the emotions, no matter how hard they maybe - that will only cause probelms further down the line....

We will all say prayers for your dad thatsomething clicks so he does stop - but if this is his chosen path - then the best thing you cando is make sure you take care of you....

I hope the day gets better....


smoke gets in my eyes 06-02-2002 06:51 AM


Whatever you do, make sure you are doing it for yourself. If you don't want to talk to your dad because it drives you crazy... then don't. If you're driving yourself crazier and trying to affect his behavior by letting the phone ring, maybe? That's what letting go is all about. It is not wrong to interact with the person, it is only a mistake to tailor your behavior to fit theirs in the hope or expectation that they will change because of your action.


Ann 06-02-2002 07:02 AM


So sorry for your pain, and I agree with the replies above. It is so hard to know what is the right thing to do. I often find that when I am torn, I take pause to think through how what I would do could affect ME and affect them, double check my motives, and then often just go with my heart. When my son in in jeopardy, I just make sure he knows that I love him and care, and that the rest is up to him and God.

What would Jesus Do? Rev can answer better, but I believe that Jesus would forgive, and love, and pray.


Morning Glory 06-02-2002 07:21 AM

I feel that Jesus is still alive and well. Jesus will still do what he is going to do. We do not have to be Jesus. He can be himself.


I knew my father was dying soon before he died. I did all my grieving before he died. The one thing that was important to me is to do what made me feel ok.

If you really feel that your father is going to die, then do whatever will bring you peace when and if he dies. What do you need to do? Maybe you could visit for 15 minutes at a time and set boundaries that enable you to live comfortably, but at the same time enable you to have peace if your father dies.

I didn't see my father for 2 months before he died. A little voice told me to go visit. He died the next morning. I would have felt really bad if I hadn't visited him.

I did so much grieving before he died that I only cried one day after his death. Grieving is ok.



lolly112166 06-02-2002 12:04 PM

Thank you all so very much for your replies. It helps so much to know that you all are here and care.

I have to admit that once I stepped outside for a while and tried to forget MY problem, I felt much better. I went to my mother in laws and visited. Amazing how anothers problems make your seem small.

I analized the reason I don't want to speak to Dad and that is simple. I am so very weary. Weary of the pain and the anxiety that I have to stop listening. Now I have to start praying (harder). And more often. God will handle it however he choses. Dad will either listen or not. I love him just the same.

Thank you again!

lolly112166 06-03-2002 03:25 AM

I want to thank everyone once again for the suggestions they gave yesterday. What a day!

I heard from Dad this morning and had not been expecting him to call at 7 a.m. He was very nervous and cried that he had been out of his thyroid, antidepresant and antianxiety med's for 3 days. This explains why he was incoherant when my uncle spoke with him. He "begged" me to contact his Dr and get him his med's as he knew he couldn't drive to town that way. I'm going to do so. I don't know what I'll find when I get there, but I am going. I know things will not change, as he said "I am not going into that hospital if I can help it". I know that he will not. I am not asking.

But, I am going to try to postpone the grieving for when neccessary. Not ahead of time. I read a post on the Recovery site that said just that. Grieve when it is time to grieve. He is not dead yet.

Thanks again friends!

chivapiano 06-06-2002 08:29 PM

Lolly, just got back from an Al-Anon meeting where I raised this same topic. Firstly, I was raised Catholic and don't believe that compassionate caring and co-dependency are even in the same ballpark.
My husband is six weeks sober and trying hard and vulnerable. I've had 13 years of being compassionate and catering to him and making concessions. And - stick a fork in me I'm done. I am trying to find a balance between supporting him and putting myself first. Today he was tweaking heavily and about to leave town. he spent a lot of time on the phone with his sponsor and, I'm sure, would have liked my wifely consolation. But for various reasons I wasn't feeling too warmly towards him and wasn't about to fake it. I let him leave town uncertain about my feelings towards him. He was feeling bad, I knew it. I wasn't playing a game, wasn't standing on principle. However I made a commitment to myself recently that I had made my last concession to him. There was a short distance between point A where he was feeling bad and needing my support and point B where he would have felt better and it wouldn't have cost me that much to help him feel better. But, y'know, I just wasn't inclined to bridge that gap. Does this make me a bad person? I don't think so. It does kind of bother me that I wouldn't take a compasionate step for my husband that I would have taken for any stranger. But it is what it is. I have to go with my instincts and I have to be true to my own feelings and put myself first. He'll either drink or he'll stay sober and I won't take responsibility for it or feel guilty over it either way.

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