Unsupportive friends
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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Unsupportive friends
I'm currently packing to move to my own place and have recently legally separated from my XAH. One of the things I'm lacking in my life is a good support system on all ends, family and friends. My mother has been emotionally abusive to me to the extent that two different professionals have recommended that I at least at this time do not attempt any contact with her (we have been NC over 10 years) due to what they see as disturbing behaviors and personality issues of hers which have harmed me in the past severely. My XAH's family is ironically the best support I've had through this - helping move and with little things I might need (they are a fairly textbook alcoholic family that for some reason likes me quite a bit).
As for my friends it seems to me I've done some bad picking (all my friends are in my current location which I moved to with the XAH a few years ago). I have two sets of "friends" and a couple outside either group....one set is very hands off, my main friend in that group went through her own divorce a few years back and was pretty adamant about not wanting to talk much about it...I suspect that's why she doesn't ask me any deep questions about it, just surface stuff - so she's supportive but only to an extent.
My only friend that I really consider supportive is someone I haven't known as long as my other friends that is going through his own divorce right now but isn't very available due to having custody issues and having his own set of friends I don't really know...sort of a clique.
My other main friend is the one that I'm writing about.....tonight after a long day of packing I went to go to bed and there was a huge picture on my phone of her hand with a ring on it and the message "I'm getting married!". It hit me like a brick. Throughout this whole process she has been non-stop talking about her new man, moving in with him and now a ring...I had chalked it up to bad timing (me divorcing at the same time she was meeting someone new) but my gut just doesn't feel good about the whole thing. It feels very insensitive and almost like it's being rubbed in my face...it was really the last thing I needed to hear when I'm making this transition....and to top it off she is a long term recovered addict so I would think she would be able to be more sensitive. In addition when she does ask about me it's more of a barrage of questions with very little feedback and I get the feeling of her feeling "sorry" for me rather than being empathetic which for me is worse than anything...but I have been ignoring it thinking it was me....my gut is telling me now it's not me, it's her. So I'm considering just sort of letting her go as a friend. It seems she only needed me when she was single and I was married but now that the shoes have switched she's not interested in anything but herself.
I don't know maybe this is a vent...I'd love to say "oh it's just me I'm feeling sensitive" but I feel like I've said that too many times with her in the past 6 months.....and my gut says if she makes me feel this bad that perhaps I need to re-evaluate.
As for my other friends, only the one I mentioned earlier feels like any support at all so it makes the giant text of her ring and marriage sting even more (the last thing I needed to see before bed tonight was her hand with a huge diamond on it taking over my phone)....I guess this is just the toughness of transition but I really hate that I feel I have to start all the way over, even with friends....I guess I have to accept that's what it is.
I guess any ESH on how you got an entirely new support system would be helpful...yes I go to Alanon but I want something outside of that.
As for my friends it seems to me I've done some bad picking (all my friends are in my current location which I moved to with the XAH a few years ago). I have two sets of "friends" and a couple outside either group....one set is very hands off, my main friend in that group went through her own divorce a few years back and was pretty adamant about not wanting to talk much about it...I suspect that's why she doesn't ask me any deep questions about it, just surface stuff - so she's supportive but only to an extent.
My only friend that I really consider supportive is someone I haven't known as long as my other friends that is going through his own divorce right now but isn't very available due to having custody issues and having his own set of friends I don't really know...sort of a clique.
My other main friend is the one that I'm writing about.....tonight after a long day of packing I went to go to bed and there was a huge picture on my phone of her hand with a ring on it and the message "I'm getting married!". It hit me like a brick. Throughout this whole process she has been non-stop talking about her new man, moving in with him and now a ring...I had chalked it up to bad timing (me divorcing at the same time she was meeting someone new) but my gut just doesn't feel good about the whole thing. It feels very insensitive and almost like it's being rubbed in my face...it was really the last thing I needed to hear when I'm making this transition....and to top it off she is a long term recovered addict so I would think she would be able to be more sensitive. In addition when she does ask about me it's more of a barrage of questions with very little feedback and I get the feeling of her feeling "sorry" for me rather than being empathetic which for me is worse than anything...but I have been ignoring it thinking it was me....my gut is telling me now it's not me, it's her. So I'm considering just sort of letting her go as a friend. It seems she only needed me when she was single and I was married but now that the shoes have switched she's not interested in anything but herself.
I don't know maybe this is a vent...I'd love to say "oh it's just me I'm feeling sensitive" but I feel like I've said that too many times with her in the past 6 months.....and my gut says if she makes me feel this bad that perhaps I need to re-evaluate.
As for my other friends, only the one I mentioned earlier feels like any support at all so it makes the giant text of her ring and marriage sting even more (the last thing I needed to see before bed tonight was her hand with a huge diamond on it taking over my phone)....I guess this is just the toughness of transition but I really hate that I feel I have to start all the way over, even with friends....I guess I have to accept that's what it is.
I guess any ESH on how you got an entirely new support system would be helpful...yes I go to Alanon but I want something outside of that.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 257
I think your friend was probably a bit thoughtless to flaunt it at you that way, but she is also probably genuinely excited and wanted to share that excitement with her friends. I think that's pretty normal. But it sounds like there was a string of things leading up to this incident and this was the icing on the cake for you. It is hard to see your friends having the things you always wanted. I'm happy-sad every time a friend announces a pregnancy. SO happy for them, but sad for the reminder that I'm not and nowhere near. I want kids more than anything else and thought I'd have several by now, but that's not reality.
Absolutely if spending time with someone is causing you more pain than gain you have every right to step away from them. I know that sucks when you have so few people to start with. As you learn more and grow more you'll start being able to choose healthy people to surround yourself with, AlAnon is a great start, but I understand its not enough.
My suggestion for building a support network? Start doing the things you love as part of a group be that hiking, painting, yoga, knitting, bible study, whatever takes your fancy. Apart from being good for your own well-being, you'll find people that you already have something in common with and have a reason to have regular contact with and connections will spring up from there.
Absolutely if spending time with someone is causing you more pain than gain you have every right to step away from them. I know that sucks when you have so few people to start with. As you learn more and grow more you'll start being able to choose healthy people to surround yourself with, AlAnon is a great start, but I understand its not enough.
My suggestion for building a support network? Start doing the things you love as part of a group be that hiking, painting, yoga, knitting, bible study, whatever takes your fancy. Apart from being good for your own well-being, you'll find people that you already have something in common with and have a reason to have regular contact with and connections will spring up from there.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 57
Many of my closest friends are also close with AH, so I'm hesitant to talk to them about our darkest relationship issues. AH has also badmouthed me and spilled some deeply personal info about my past to some of our mutual friends recently, I guess since our relationship is in such an awful place and he's trying to shame me. So I've pretty much stopped communicating with those friends because I'm so distressed that A) AH would do that and B) they would allow him to do that. My family is several states away, and I don't necessarily trust them to maturely handle anything I share with them, anyway. So I don't have a great support network at the moment.
However, I did start a weekly volunteering gig with a local non-profit, and am meeting other people who are interested in some of the same things I'm interested in. In fact, two other women I volunteer with are both going through breakups of long-term relationships, so we've been able to connect over that and offer strength to each other as we've gotten to know each other. They're both kind people that aren't partiers, so I'm thinking there's a chance I'll make some good friendships there.
I also have an excellent therapist (I know this isn't feasible for everyone, though). It's great having someone that I can talk to about everything and anything and not be judged or shamed or verbally shut down. I'm learning a lot from her about detaching from AH (and other people that bring out my codependent tendencies) while bolstering my own inner strength. I've had to make some sacrifices to afford therapy, but it's been so so so worth it.
I also went to my 1st Al-Anon meeting last week, so I'm hopeful about that too!
However, I did start a weekly volunteering gig with a local non-profit, and am meeting other people who are interested in some of the same things I'm interested in. In fact, two other women I volunteer with are both going through breakups of long-term relationships, so we've been able to connect over that and offer strength to each other as we've gotten to know each other. They're both kind people that aren't partiers, so I'm thinking there's a chance I'll make some good friendships there.
I also have an excellent therapist (I know this isn't feasible for everyone, though). It's great having someone that I can talk to about everything and anything and not be judged or shamed or verbally shut down. I'm learning a lot from her about detaching from AH (and other people that bring out my codependent tendencies) while bolstering my own inner strength. I've had to make some sacrifices to afford therapy, but it's been so so so worth it.
I also went to my 1st Al-Anon meeting last week, so I'm hopeful about that too!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 257
Good point about the volunteering wysiwyg, that's a good way too, and you get to feel like you are doing something useful and contributing to society. I chose to volunteer with kids who are going through a similar difficult childhood that I did. My counsellor said it was like me being able to go back and give the young me the care I desperately needed now. It can be very therapeutic along with great for your self-esteem and meeting like-minded people.
The other thing I started doing was saying 'yes' when people asked if I wanted to do stuff. I'd become so isolated that I just didn't know how to connect to people properly and even tho ABF had let up on the control a little I was still scared to interact with people. So if someone asked me to do something with them/go somewhere etc I started saying yes even if I thought it might not be my cup of tea or the sound of it made me a bit anxious (I did decline things that made me very anxious - like rock climbing). Even if you don't like it you've shared something with someone, maybe they will give something you like a go next time, or maybe you will unexpectedly bump into someone you get on great with along the way. I guess however you do it you just have to get out there. If you don't open yourself up to new opportunities to meet people, then you'll never meet new people!
The other thing I started doing was saying 'yes' when people asked if I wanted to do stuff. I'd become so isolated that I just didn't know how to connect to people properly and even tho ABF had let up on the control a little I was still scared to interact with people. So if someone asked me to do something with them/go somewhere etc I started saying yes even if I thought it might not be my cup of tea or the sound of it made me a bit anxious (I did decline things that made me very anxious - like rock climbing). Even if you don't like it you've shared something with someone, maybe they will give something you like a go next time, or maybe you will unexpectedly bump into someone you get on great with along the way. I guess however you do it you just have to get out there. If you don't open yourself up to new opportunities to meet people, then you'll never meet new people!
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Aeryn-
I know you are a writer, but I am not sure if you are a reader. As you know I have struggled with this significantly over the last little bit.
There is a great book out there called MWF looking for BFF that I loved. It is about a woman who has moved to a new city and though she is married (a small part of the book) she has left behind her good support system and has struggled making friends...especially good friends. It is a well researched, thoughtful and frankly fun. It helped normalize this challenge and struggle for me. I am 2800 mi from most of my friends and my friends here were often childhood friends of my ex (or their wives). The woman who wrote it also has a blog (her first name is Rachel).
I have on a couple of occasions in life needed to let some friendships go. Recently has been one of them. I don't know if this is part of it for you but I behave similarly in friendships as I did in my relationship with my ex....and it is only now that I seem to be able to extricate that out.
I can't wait to hear some other wisdom posted. Al-anon for me has been a great source of support, but there is not anyone in my age group there (usually 15-20 years difference).
I know you are a writer, but I am not sure if you are a reader. As you know I have struggled with this significantly over the last little bit.
There is a great book out there called MWF looking for BFF that I loved. It is about a woman who has moved to a new city and though she is married (a small part of the book) she has left behind her good support system and has struggled making friends...especially good friends. It is a well researched, thoughtful and frankly fun. It helped normalize this challenge and struggle for me. I am 2800 mi from most of my friends and my friends here were often childhood friends of my ex (or their wives). The woman who wrote it also has a blog (her first name is Rachel).
I have on a couple of occasions in life needed to let some friendships go. Recently has been one of them. I don't know if this is part of it for you but I behave similarly in friendships as I did in my relationship with my ex....and it is only now that I seem to be able to extricate that out.
I can't wait to hear some other wisdom posted. Al-anon for me has been a great source of support, but there is not anyone in my age group there (usually 15-20 years difference).
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I found myself feeling quite alone also.
Until I experienced life with an active alkie, I can honestly say I didn't get it either. Break-ups are painful enough. Add the monkey wrench of alcoholism, and it takes it to a whole higher level.
I am not sure that your friend showing off her ring is being insensitive to you. She is simply living her life, this is where she currently is in life, and she is sharing her joy with all her friends. Yes, the timing sucks, (for you) but if you truly are friends, try to put aside your sorrow and be happy for her. True friendship is a two way street. Friendship is about standing by those thru the good and bad times.
More will be revealed.
Maybe she is not the person you thought she was. Maybe she is currently on cloud nine. Maybe you are looking to others for answers. The bottom line, this is your personal journey, it is a path we must walk alone. yes, it is great to have a support system to lean on, but you are the one who has to live in YOUR skin, best to rely on yourself in getting you to a healthy place.
I spent alot of time here at SR the first year, the folks here really understand what you are currently living.
We are here and listening.
We will be here to support you.
Hugs to you.
Until I experienced life with an active alkie, I can honestly say I didn't get it either. Break-ups are painful enough. Add the monkey wrench of alcoholism, and it takes it to a whole higher level.
I am not sure that your friend showing off her ring is being insensitive to you. She is simply living her life, this is where she currently is in life, and she is sharing her joy with all her friends. Yes, the timing sucks, (for you) but if you truly are friends, try to put aside your sorrow and be happy for her. True friendship is a two way street. Friendship is about standing by those thru the good and bad times.
More will be revealed.
Maybe she is not the person you thought she was. Maybe she is currently on cloud nine. Maybe you are looking to others for answers. The bottom line, this is your personal journey, it is a path we must walk alone. yes, it is great to have a support system to lean on, but you are the one who has to live in YOUR skin, best to rely on yourself in getting you to a healthy place.
I spent alot of time here at SR the first year, the folks here really understand what you are currently living.
We are here and listening.
We will be here to support you.
Hugs to you.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 57
Originally Posted by Wavy 
I chose to volunteer with kids who are going through a similar difficult childhood that I did. My counsellor said it was like me being able to go back and give the young me the care I desperately needed now.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
People can be self-centered and insensitive sometimes...it rarely has nothing to do with us, or our situation. But then again, I've had women who I considered a friend who began to compete with me over time, so that can happen sometimes, too. Only you know what the underlying issues are here, and go with your intuition. Is she just kinda clueless and wrapped up in her own little world right now? Or is she maybe subconsciously being hurtful?
When I moved back home 10 years ago, I left my close knit group of friends and I've never rebuilt that. Haven't had time, frankly. My one very close friend died last fall. My sister moved early last summer. My Mom has been off the rails wrapped up in bi-polar mania. I have friends I work with and we get together outside of work about once a month, but like me, they are busy professionals with families.
Funny thing is - I am not lonely! I joined a local women's hiking group and go when I have time. I volunteer, too. I've been dating lately. But close girlfriends? Not really. Aside from my sister-in-law at this point, I can't say I really have any close girlfriends. And it suits me, right now.
Do what suits you, Aeryn.
When I moved back home 10 years ago, I left my close knit group of friends and I've never rebuilt that. Haven't had time, frankly. My one very close friend died last fall. My sister moved early last summer. My Mom has been off the rails wrapped up in bi-polar mania. I have friends I work with and we get together outside of work about once a month, but like me, they are busy professionals with families.
Funny thing is - I am not lonely! I joined a local women's hiking group and go when I have time. I volunteer, too. I've been dating lately. But close girlfriends? Not really. Aside from my sister-in-law at this point, I can't say I really have any close girlfriends. And it suits me, right now.
Do what suits you, Aeryn.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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Thanks for the posts...my intuition is just telling me right now to stay away from this person so I think I'm going to follow it, this has been going on for about 6 months so it's not one incident unfortunately. Even if it was the bottom line is at this time I'm unable to be there for her, I need to be here for myself for once. I can't have people breaking my already emotional state even if it was unintentional (my gut says maybe unintentional but because she isn't paying attention to how I'm doing only her - friendship is supposed to be a two way street not one way). Maybe I'll feel differently later but for now this is how I feel - and if she doesn't like it, well that's how it will have to be. I know that may sound horrible but in the past I've always jumped to be there for others when they needed it (marriages etc)....this time I needed that returned and it hasn't been by this friend and this is just the last time I want to deal with that. So I guess I'm going to do nothing in regards to the text for now...maybe I'll send a Congratulatory card but I don't want to text back and get a conversation going about it, I'm not up for that.
This particular friend for other reasons I suspect is not healthy for me - as I go back and think about our conversations for the last 2-3 years her focus has always been on finding a man and a relationship - she used to tell me how lucky I was to have someone and that someone was better than no one...unhealthy thinking.
I've been in therapy for over a year - I don't count that as support since the therapeutic relationship is a bit different than regular ones but yes this will be a topic for discussion when we meet next....everything ties back to childhood stuff for me and I can already think of where my reaction may tie back to....Tuffgirl hit on something with the competitive thing. My mother used to try to compete with me as a child, so when something went badly for me she actually reveled in it and shoved it in my face.
LifeRecovery - I will check out those books! I'm going to start reading more once I get moved....it's Monday. I do think this is a case of me needing to find new healthier friends.
And yes to all who suggested the activities, once I get moved that is my plan! I joined a writers group and already met a couple potential friends but haven't had enough time to really explore it due to the move....
This particular friend for other reasons I suspect is not healthy for me - as I go back and think about our conversations for the last 2-3 years her focus has always been on finding a man and a relationship - she used to tell me how lucky I was to have someone and that someone was better than no one...unhealthy thinking.
I've been in therapy for over a year - I don't count that as support since the therapeutic relationship is a bit different than regular ones but yes this will be a topic for discussion when we meet next....everything ties back to childhood stuff for me and I can already think of where my reaction may tie back to....Tuffgirl hit on something with the competitive thing. My mother used to try to compete with me as a child, so when something went badly for me she actually reveled in it and shoved it in my face.
LifeRecovery - I will check out those books! I'm going to start reading more once I get moved....it's Monday. I do think this is a case of me needing to find new healthier friends.
And yes to all who suggested the activities, once I get moved that is my plan! I joined a writers group and already met a couple potential friends but haven't had enough time to really explore it due to the move....
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oh...btw - sort of off topic for this thread but one of the ideas I've been toying with doing is once I'm moved seeking out my father's birth family. As I explained above my mother is unfortunately not someone that can be in my life but I didn't explain my father had passed.....and his adoptive family has all passed. But I have always wanted to find his birth family...I was just a bit nervous about it because my father was an A (the withdrawn type) but I will hopefully get to a healthy place and be able to do it.
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