Telling the addicts / BPD's Family that they have a problem
 

So I went to a concert last night with a friend who just broke up with an emotionally abusive borderline personality disorder guy. Her pattern (dad, xh and son) all have this problem. She says she didn't see it in her x until they actually started dating.

So basically she says "should i tell the next girl he dates about his problem?" I'm like, they are grownups let them fend for themselves. At some point in my relationship I thought about telling my Xs family about her alcoholism since she probably lied about telling them, not to mention they are all huge drinkers. I didn't see a good reason to.

So what do you guys think? Should she be trying to save the next victim?

no. it will simply keep HER hooked into what HE is doing...and then if he does date someone, does she plan to stalk her so she can track her down and "warn" her? or put out flyers, canvassing the neighborhood? she needs to stay of his business and mind her own........

I mean no offense to anyone with bpd. But in my own unique case, the easiest (and shortest) relationship for me to ever leave was the one with my emotionally abusive borderline. I have read extensively on that disorder because I somehow missed it in college psychology, and boy, when you are in a relationship with one, it creeps up on you and mutates into something sinister.

Personally, life only got better and better each day that the relationship was over, and I still feel like I dodged a bullet. Even if I did know anyone she knows (I don't), I realized I just needed to count my lucky stars that I dodged that bullet. So I guess it's like my friends all said when I ended it - I pity the next guy she's with, but I had too much taking care of myself to do to go warning anyone.

I think you gave her good advice.

When my AXH started dating again I felt like your friend did. I wanted to grab these women by the shoulders and scream "RUUUUUUUN!!!"

But OTOH, I liked that he was dating because then he left me alone. :angel:

Yeah... I think it's probably best to just let them figure it out - like you said, Zenme, they're grown ups. In any case, I think it'd be very rare that the next girl would believe the X. It's one thing if they come asking, quite another to have the info relayed to them unsolicited.

Info from my experience, AXH's (now ex) GF was at our divorce hearing, and heard AXH get caught in an entire mass of lies, a few of which were to her. (The biggest one being that he was already divorced.) She heard him admit to some really, really nasty behavior.

She still stated that he was an honest and good man. And, she still didn't believe he would continue to drink or behave in an abusive manner with her, and told me as much. That particular rant of hers was almost like she was paraphrasing from the "You think that you are so special, that it won't happen to you. He'll be different with you" threads in the stickies. Her parting shot after filing for a restraining order against AXH was to send an e-mail to me detailing all of his issues as if it would be a breaking newsflash for me (rather than yet another chapter in an old, tired tale).

I actually did email some woman the last guy I lived with was talking to just before he moved out (technically not unfaithfulness--I'd already told him I wanted to split up), telling her that he was a liar.

It made me feel creepy and stalker-ish and I never did such a thing again. I was angry at him in general and drinking and used lousy judgment. It wasn't my business, and honestly, my motives were at least as much to get a dig in against him as it was altruism to warn someone else.

Bit of a conundrum.
But telling can simply have a multiplying effect, involving even more people.

I told my ex's brother he had a drinking problem and had threatened suicide--that's what ended our relationship. He told his brother a bunch of lies about me, and the classic alcoholic tale that he only drank because of me. His brother believed it and off they went together into dysfunctionland, leaving me feeling like a complete fool.

His brother told me both of their parents were alcoholics, and that often times when he talked to his brother on the phone my ex was slurring his words and acting overly emotional. Still he chose to believe my ex's lies. You can't assume the family member you choose to tell is going to be healthy and not prone to denial. I've told my mom a hundred times my brother is a drug addict. She refuses to believe it.

I agree with everyone else: stay out of it. In my case, telling on my ex was just another act of codependency. I couldn't save him myself so I was trying to enlist the help of outside agents.

No. The next victim won,t listen anyways.

//

I doubt I'd say anything to the next victim. They are adults and can do as they please. If the person is an alcoholic it shouldn't take too long for the next victim to figure it out.