The in Between Place
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
The in Between Place
I'm reading the Language of Letting Go, daily. It's helping me a lot.
This is day 17 for ABF. The first 2 weeks were a breeze. It is getting difficult now - I knew it would. I am most definitely 'in between' - which is EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE. I don't know what's going to happen - I am taking this one day at a time, just like he is. I know what I want and what I don't want out of a partner, and I know I will be ok no matter what happens with him.
The last couple days, he's been up down up down and now angry - "worried I'll be mad at him if he drinks when it's appropriate one day." I told him that neither he nor I can predict the future. I already know I can't tell him anything about recovery or suggest support - he'll seek it out if he wants it. I did however ask him to consider that after smoking heavily for 15 years, if he thought it would be logical to be able to say OK - see, no problem - "I can smoke only when it's appropriate now."
I told him that for me, I can't listen to his words about this right now, only his actions, and that I can only take care of myself, and he can only take care of himself - and then we'll see what happens. There's nothing else for me to say. I am scared, because I have NO vision of my future home, partner, or job. I have a career, but I work for an A. A big part of me just wants to run away from it all. As a Ms Fixit-controlfreak, THIS IS SO FREAKING HARD.
It would have been infinitely easier to keep on and move out 3 weeks ago. I am working on letting go of my guilt - guilt for staying, guilt for being miserable so much in the last few years, guilt for avoiding my family, guilt for my codependency and attempts to control, and guilt for choosing an addict.
Thanks for letting me vent and be emotionally s1utty - i don't like being in the in between - and you guys lessen the pain of it all. THANK YOU!
From The Language of Letting Go
In Between
Sometimes, to get from where we are to where we are going, we have to be willing to be in between.
One of the hardest parts of recovery is the concept of letting go of what is old and familiar, but what we don't want, and being willing to stand with our hands empty while we wait for God to fill them.
This may apply to feelings. We may have been full of hurt and anger. In some ways, these feelings may have become comfortably familiar. When we finally face and relinquish our grief, we may feel empty for a time. We are in between pain and the joy of serenity and acceptance.
Being in between can apply to relationships. To prepare ourselves for the new, we need to first let go of the old. This can be frightening. We may feel empty and lost for a time. We may feel all alone, wondering what is wrong with us for letting go of the proverbial bird in hand, when there is nothing in the bush.
Being in between can apply to many areas of life and recovery. We can be in between jobs, careers, homes, or goals. We can be in between behaviors as we let go of the old and are not certain what we will replace it with. This can apply to behaviors that have protected and served us well all of our life, such as caretaking and controlling.
We may have many feelings going on when we're in between: spurts of grief about what we have let go of or lost, and feelings of anxiety, fear, and apprehension about what's ahead. These are normal feelings for the in between place. Accept them. Feel them. Release them.
Being in between isn't fun, but it's necessary. It will not last forever. It may feel like we're standing still, but we're not. We're standing at the in between place. it's how we get from here to there. It is not the destination.
We are moving forward, even when we're in between.
Today, I will accept where I am as the ideal place for me to be. If I am in between, I will strive for the faith that this place is not without purpose, that it is moving me toward something good.
This is day 17 for ABF. The first 2 weeks were a breeze. It is getting difficult now - I knew it would. I am most definitely 'in between' - which is EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE. I don't know what's going to happen - I am taking this one day at a time, just like he is. I know what I want and what I don't want out of a partner, and I know I will be ok no matter what happens with him.
The last couple days, he's been up down up down and now angry - "worried I'll be mad at him if he drinks when it's appropriate one day." I told him that neither he nor I can predict the future. I already know I can't tell him anything about recovery or suggest support - he'll seek it out if he wants it. I did however ask him to consider that after smoking heavily for 15 years, if he thought it would be logical to be able to say OK - see, no problem - "I can smoke only when it's appropriate now."
I told him that for me, I can't listen to his words about this right now, only his actions, and that I can only take care of myself, and he can only take care of himself - and then we'll see what happens. There's nothing else for me to say. I am scared, because I have NO vision of my future home, partner, or job. I have a career, but I work for an A. A big part of me just wants to run away from it all. As a Ms Fixit-controlfreak, THIS IS SO FREAKING HARD.
It would have been infinitely easier to keep on and move out 3 weeks ago. I am working on letting go of my guilt - guilt for staying, guilt for being miserable so much in the last few years, guilt for avoiding my family, guilt for my codependency and attempts to control, and guilt for choosing an addict.
Thanks for letting me vent and be emotionally s1utty - i don't like being in the in between - and you guys lessen the pain of it all. THANK YOU!
From The Language of Letting Go
In Between
Sometimes, to get from where we are to where we are going, we have to be willing to be in between.
One of the hardest parts of recovery is the concept of letting go of what is old and familiar, but what we don't want, and being willing to stand with our hands empty while we wait for God to fill them.
This may apply to feelings. We may have been full of hurt and anger. In some ways, these feelings may have become comfortably familiar. When we finally face and relinquish our grief, we may feel empty for a time. We are in between pain and the joy of serenity and acceptance.
Being in between can apply to relationships. To prepare ourselves for the new, we need to first let go of the old. This can be frightening. We may feel empty and lost for a time. We may feel all alone, wondering what is wrong with us for letting go of the proverbial bird in hand, when there is nothing in the bush.
Being in between can apply to many areas of life and recovery. We can be in between jobs, careers, homes, or goals. We can be in between behaviors as we let go of the old and are not certain what we will replace it with. This can apply to behaviors that have protected and served us well all of our life, such as caretaking and controlling.
We may have many feelings going on when we're in between: spurts of grief about what we have let go of or lost, and feelings of anxiety, fear, and apprehension about what's ahead. These are normal feelings for the in between place. Accept them. Feel them. Release them.
Being in between isn't fun, but it's necessary. It will not last forever. It may feel like we're standing still, but we're not. We're standing at the in between place. it's how we get from here to there. It is not the destination.
We are moving forward, even when we're in between.
Today, I will accept where I am as the ideal place for me to be. If I am in between, I will strive for the faith that this place is not without purpose, that it is moving me toward something good.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 380
Originally Posted by firebolt 
A big part of me just wants to run away from it all. As a Ms Fixit-controlfreak, THIS IS SO FREAKING HARD.
....
- i don't like being in the in between -
....
- i don't like being in the in between -
From The Language of Letting Go
We may have many feelings going on when we're in between: spurts of grief about what we have let go of or lost, and feelings of anxiety, fear, and apprehension about what's ahead. These are normal feelings for the in between place. Accept them. Feel them. Release them.
Being in between isn't fun, but it's necessary. It will not last forever. It may feel like we're standing still, but we're not. We're standing at the in between place. it's how we get from here to there. It is not the destination.
We are moving forward, even when we're in between.
We may have many feelings going on when we're in between: spurts of grief about what we have let go of or lost, and feelings of anxiety, fear, and apprehension about what's ahead. These are normal feelings for the in between place. Accept them. Feel them. Release them.
Being in between isn't fun, but it's necessary. It will not last forever. It may feel like we're standing still, but we're not. We're standing at the in between place. it's how we get from here to there. It is not the destination.
We are moving forward, even when we're in between.
Just wanted to let you know you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 85
Firebolt you are doing great! Day 17and you have so much insight you sound strong. My RA has 6 months and I am still fighting with myself and not letting go and accepting. I admire your wisdom and thanks for posting.
Do let the guilt go it is so useless and gets us nowhere. Congrats on your strength and wishing you all the best on your journey.
Do let the guilt go it is so useless and gets us nowhere. Congrats on your strength and wishing you all the best on your journey.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Thanks everyone!
Dublin - I don't FEEL like i'm doing great, or being very strong- this is so difficult. I know what I need to do - it's fighting my own emotions enough to actually do it that is so hard. 6 months for you guys and it's still hard?! I'll NEVER make it! LOL
Love and peace to everyone in the in-between place with me, and thanks to those who came out better on the other side of it all, and stuck around to cheer us on.
Dublin - I don't FEEL like i'm doing great, or being very strong- this is so difficult. I know what I need to do - it's fighting my own emotions enough to actually do it that is so hard. 6 months for you guys and it's still hard?! I'll NEVER make it! LOL
Love and peace to everyone in the in-between place with me, and thanks to those who came out better on the other side of it all, and stuck around to cheer us on.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
I read the language of letting go every morning & then again before I go to sleep.
As I am currently dating a RA, sober 7 months ,I will tell you that yes you must both focus on your own recoveries. Your partners sobriety must be number 1 in his life & you must be number 1 in your life.
Take one day at a time, don't look back & don't look forward just go with today.
There is no hurry.
Actions will speak louder than words & the choices we make in life are only our own.
Hope this helps.
Hugs.
As I am currently dating a RA, sober 7 months ,I will tell you that yes you must both focus on your own recoveries. Your partners sobriety must be number 1 in his life & you must be number 1 in your life.
Take one day at a time, don't look back & don't look forward just go with today.
There is no hurry.
Actions will speak louder than words & the choices we make in life are only our own.
Hope this helps.
Hugs.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Thanks for an interesting post. There is a word for the "in-between" state or transitional period. It's called Liminality. Heard it in church this past week.
As an alcoholic, I was thinking about the same thing in regards to recovery and if it helped explained relapse, especially in the early phase of quitting drinking. And I think it does. In this liminal state between drinking and recovery, we miss what brought us comfort (alcohol), and are fearful and anxious about what we don't know (sobriety).
It's human nature to avoid the fear and discomfort of the unknown and yearn for that which we are familiar...not just with recovery from drugs and alcohol, but in any event affecting one’s life, such as death, divorce, illness, or transition such as from school to work, military to civilian, single to married, and so forth.
Therefore, addiction and craving aside, we seek that which we know and comforts us...and we drink.
So while I was thinking this and wondering how to I turn this insight into practical information a person in early recovery could use, I ran across your post and the answer is within the snippet you posted from "The Language of Letting Go."
We may have many feelings going on when we're in between: spurts of grief about what we have let go of or lost, and feelings of anxiety, fear, and apprehension about what's ahead. These are normal feelings for the in between place. Accept them. Feel them. Release them.
Being in between isn't fun, but it's necessary. It will not last forever. It may feel like we're standing still, but we're not. We're standing at the in between place. it's how we get from here to there. It is not the destination.
We are moving forward, even when we're in between.
As alcoholics, we just have to have faith that our feelings are normal, that our fears are most likely unfounded, and if we stay the course, we will reap the rewards of sobriety.
As an alcoholic, I was thinking about the same thing in regards to recovery and if it helped explained relapse, especially in the early phase of quitting drinking. And I think it does. In this liminal state between drinking and recovery, we miss what brought us comfort (alcohol), and are fearful and anxious about what we don't know (sobriety).
It's human nature to avoid the fear and discomfort of the unknown and yearn for that which we are familiar...not just with recovery from drugs and alcohol, but in any event affecting one’s life, such as death, divorce, illness, or transition such as from school to work, military to civilian, single to married, and so forth.
Therefore, addiction and craving aside, we seek that which we know and comforts us...and we drink.
So while I was thinking this and wondering how to I turn this insight into practical information a person in early recovery could use, I ran across your post and the answer is within the snippet you posted from "The Language of Letting Go."
We may have many feelings going on when we're in between: spurts of grief about what we have let go of or lost, and feelings of anxiety, fear, and apprehension about what's ahead. These are normal feelings for the in between place. Accept them. Feel them. Release them.
Being in between isn't fun, but it's necessary. It will not last forever. It may feel like we're standing still, but we're not. We're standing at the in between place. it's how we get from here to there. It is not the destination.
We are moving forward, even when we're in between.
As alcoholics, we just have to have faith that our feelings are normal, that our fears are most likely unfounded, and if we stay the course, we will reap the rewards of sobriety.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Thanks doggonecarl - I didn't consider ABF may be in-between also!
How interesting - the parallel recovery of the addict and of the codependent.
Thanks for pointing me towards some empathy for him (I haven't had much lately) - and for the new favorite word of the day, and for this: (i'm stealing it for myself today)
"we just have to have faith that our feelings are normal, that our fears are most likely unfounded, and if we stay the course, we will reap the rewards"
How interesting - the parallel recovery of the addict and of the codependent.
Thanks for pointing me towards some empathy for him (I haven't had much lately) - and for the new favorite word of the day, and for this: (i'm stealing it for myself today)
"we just have to have faith that our feelings are normal, that our fears are most likely unfounded, and if we stay the course, we will reap the rewards"
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I thought this was sticky'd under Classic Reading, but I couldn't find it, so I'm bumping. Yes, again.
Honeypig's "spiral" post reminded me that we also experience these pauses in recovery that are EVERY BIT as important & necessary for healing as our more active periods.
I think a LOT of our new members might relate to this info (and thanks to Carl, I've added Liminality to my list of topics to research further -it is kind of fascinating to me that there's an actual term for such a thing).
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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That is still one of my favorite passages from the LOLG! And right along with the Spiral post, its message has evolved and reads a bit differently to me today than it did when I first posted it 4 years ago.....during the 2nd or 3rd crisis time that 'I was gunna leave if he didn't quit drinking.'
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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Bump??
Originally Posted by FireSprite
~~bumping~~ for anyone that finds this useful.
I found this old post today & it really resonates with me right now, just like it did when firebolt originally shared it.
I found this old post today & it really resonates with me right now, just like it did when firebolt originally shared it.
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