Feel trapped by worry
 

I am worried about my son. I'm having a hard time sleeping because of it. I'm feeling guilty too. I'm worried that he will die and I feel guilty because I haven't seem him for so long.

If I went to see him it would probably fix things for me temporarily, but I think I need to keep my distance because maybe him feeling so alone is what is getting him into treatment right now.

So I think I'll wait and see how he does first. He found an outpatient center and will have his own counselor and go 3 times a week.

I don't really think he can stop using without going into detox, but at least this is a start.

I feel trapped this morning. These 2 things make me feel trapped. Worry doesn't do any good and guilt doesn't do any good either so I wish I could just stop feeling them.

Just venting,

MG

Mg:

Everyone has those days - what i usually find is that the worry is just a sysmptom of something deeper.... with me - it is ually one of tow things - my life is so crazy and out of controol - i just feel the need to retreat into old patterns and old behaviors to fell comfortable OR the scarier part - my life is going really well - i am working the program - it is working and i have a level of serenity and i am subconsciously trying to sabotage the work i have done by going back just to check to make sure he is okay or that if i don't worry about him it makes me a bad person....

I was thinking about him today as a matter of fact... i found this beautiful binder i bought him a few christmas's ago and thought - well i could just send it to him - that wouldn't cause any harm....

yeah right - that is the onld me talking... i set my boundries....stop being an ass and i will talk to you....obviously - he either hasn't or has decided that my rules and boundries are too tough to live by... either way it is much better for me that he is NOT in my life.... i am keeping the thying and using it for myself..... :)

Chin up....

Love
Ogly

:( I find myself in your shoes today, MG. I am sorry for your anxiety. My father is well into the bottle again and is slowly dying of alcohol poisoning. It has happened before. I recognized the symptoms. But this does not help us with the fear. I "KNOW" that my father will die this time. And that knowledge is a cold bedfellow. However, I do know that it is not my fault. Please remember that whatever your son does is his choice. And that God will care for him no matter what.

God bless you for being a loving mother. And remember the serenity prayer.

GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO
ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE,
COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN,
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

I struggle with this today. I am re-reading every hour. Know that I am praying for you. Please do so for me. We need the prayers today.

Lolly

You're right Ogly,

I do have something else going on. I'm holding something in to the point that I'm about to have Charlie Horses in my muscles.

mmmm...I wonder where the words Charlie Horse came from and what could that have had to do with muscles?

Anyway, I think when I figure out what's going on inside of me, I'll be able to let go again.

Thanks,

MG

I know what you mean MG and Ogly.

I tend to worry about my son too, even when he is in recovery...but have to practice giving it back to God. We know that we are Powerless, but have to practice what we preach (I just posted a "Think Positive and Live" on Nar-anon....so I better practice my own advice, right?) And it does help, a lot!!

MG, I believe that any step they take towards recovery is positive. My son has tried many things, detox, 9 programs, aftercare (when he sticks to it), and meetings. He still relapses, but not as often, not as hard, and not as long as he used to. He has the tools.

Funny, yesterday he went with me about 2 hours out of town to buy a quilt made by the Mennonites, for a shower gift today. It was a beautiful day, and we had a really nice drive through the country and talked a lot..something we haven't done lately. He was discussing his recovery and said to me "You know, if I use I would have to go back to jail" (he got a conditional discharge with probation and has to urine test twice a week). "And that isn't going to happen" he said. I thought "If it was only that simple", but also realized that even his one night in jail was a significant part of his journey and therefore positive. He is now also doing all the good things...sponsor, meeting, counselling, etc. So you see, none of his recovery has anything to do with me or what I did or didn't do. He found his own way, by the grace of God (and not me).

Will he die? I hope and pray not for a long long time. But it will be God's time, not my time. All I can do is love him, and loving him best means doing my recovery and praying for his.

Hugs

Lolly,

Thank you, I read your post and didn't know how to reply because I had no advice to give.

I appreciate your reply. It's a rough and helpless spot to be in and painful too.

I am sorry about your father.

Thank you for the serenity prayer. I think sometimes I think if I worry it will make things better somehow. It's like, Woops, I forgot to worry today and now something horrible might happen and then how would I feel because I didn't worry about it.

We can't cross a bridge that we haven't come to yet. I think we need to try to stay in today instead of venturing into the future with our dreadful imagination.

Hugs,

MG

Hello MG!

This is one of the tough one's isn't it? On the one hand we're told "nothing you do or say will affect the addict's behavior" and on the other "Tough love! Tough love! Knock the wheels out from under them and make them walk. No mercy. No quarter."

I understand that letting Dino live here would be enabling. He doesn't. I understand that giving him money or paying his way would be, too. I do help with med. expenses. But if having a conversation with him about ordinary things from time to time, and letting him know I still care about his welfare is enabling, then I guess we're both doomed. I think that one's a judgment call. And the judgment has to be about how it affects YOU. Would aloneness and isolation wake him up, or cause him to despair and sink farther? Who knows? If talking to him drives you crazy, by all means refrain. If it doesn't, and you're like me ....that becomes a punishment for YOU... well then. If your actions are dictated by how it will affect him, then you're trying to manage his recovery instead of taking care of yourself. This has to be the toughest thing in the world for a parent. It is natural to want to put your offspring first. But you count, too. What do YOU want?

Love,
Smoke

Thanks Ann,

I read your positive post. So I was outside trying to think positive and it dawned on me that the rooster across the street was gone. I didn't even notice.

The crowing woke me up at 4:30 every morning and I didn't even notice that it had stopped. So I was thankful this morning that the rooster was gone.

MG

Smoke,

This is kind of crazy, but the last time I saw my son was the night I locked him out. I did not get to hug him goodbye. I just really need to hug him. I feel like I need that closure or something.

MG

MG!
I don't think that's crazy at all. I think too often we deny ourselves things that we want because we are so afraid our behavior is enabling. I'm not sure affection is enabling.

Love!
Smoke

ok, I just figured out worry and guilt.

Worry is an old survival method for me like hope was. When I was young, worry was the only control I had. And guilt because I couldn't do anything about the situation. How could I, I was to young. So I am replaying my old survival methods of control. These are unhealthy survival methods.

I need to give them up just like I gave up hope. It's a control issue to keep myself alive or someone else alive.

MG

...and you are dwelling on that thought. I have done it to myself, too. When I saw him walking down the street and my car thermometer read -18.

Trust me...it is waste of energy...easier said than done.

Do you believe he knows you love him? I have gotten to know a bit about you here and I think I know the answer to that. He does. So you are hugging him with your heart right now and he feels it.

Cluster post... :D

Okay MG - I have to be honest here :rolleyes:

If it were MY son, I would wait until his program started (to assure that he does that part on his own). Then I would stop by for a "short" visit, keeping the conversation neutral and positive, and then I would give him that big hug you have been holding in your heart.

I have absolutely NO IDEA if this is good advice or terrible advice, but it is what I would do.
In the meantime I will continue to pray for you and your son.

Hugs

lol, J.T.

YES, I'm dwelling on that moment. You know the saying, Treat someone like it's the last time you'll ever see them.

I am going to have to try and see him once so I won't keep doing this. lol

MG

...and the gift in seeing him may very well be a healthy dose of reality. I think fondly of my son when I am not with him but when I see him he reminds me why I am doing what I am doing...that is just me, now, don't go getting your knickers in a knot... :D

It makes me sad that you have found it neccessary to give up hope....it's true that hope can lead to disapointment and if it is more than you can bear you just do whatever you have to do. It still makes me sad..

Lets just change the word hope to magical thinking. I still have hope, but the hope I am talking about was magical thinking.

You know the kind of hope that is waiting for the knight in shining white armor. Or waiting for the perfect little house with the white picket fence. I had to have magical thinking to survive my childhood. So I've used the wrong word.

MG

Cool Beans...hope that is rooted in reality not fantasy...

Looking at it that way, I can see that I have magical worry and magical guilt. I truely think in my mixed up mind that I may believe there is some magic in doing these things.

Denial is a funny thing. You think you're out of it and then you get hit in the side of the head with the skillet.(Thanks Ogly)

Love you all,

MG