Do 'I' ban alcohol all together?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: la la land
Posts: 196
Do 'I' ban alcohol all together?
Being that my husband is an alcoholic and I have never delt with one before and I don't know how to be around them I wanted to ask your advise. Being a mother of three toddlers I occasionally like to have a drink myself while taking a bath to unwind or if my best girlfriend comes over. Maybe once a month. When he was living in our home I would try to go out so he wouldn't see me drink a drink but then he said he was jealous but not to worry that he was the one with the problem. So do I banish alcohol all together? I drink responsibly but I don't want to be a hipocrit (sp). He can NOT handle alcohol so do I never drink another drink either? I don't have a problem with not doing it around him or is that just walking on glass or adding gas to a fire? Sorry if I sound so stupid about this but I want to be honest to get honest answers.
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
Posts: 146
Atikyn,
When I moved in with G I'd never been exposed to alcoholism either and I asked myself the very same question. Do I ban booze? I should have asked myself CAN I ban booze? The answer unfortunately is no, you can't. What I found was that once I tried to control his drinking to some extent he just drank behind my back. I'd be cleaning the house and I'd find all these bottles and empty casks all over the place. I tell you, they find the weirdest hiding places for their empty booze bottles! You should absolutely not prevent yourself from enjoying the odd glass of wine just because of his drinking problem either. Remember, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
I remember at my first Al-Anon meeting we were all given a little scrap of paper with a guiding quote on it. I looked at my scrap of paper and it said "Let it begin with me". I still keep in in my purse and I still look at it and meditate on it.
So let it begin with you, Atikyn. Attend some meetings - I don't go regularly myself and there's no pressure but it's really really useful and the support is great (in my experience anyhow).
HugZ
Sandra
When I moved in with G I'd never been exposed to alcoholism either and I asked myself the very same question. Do I ban booze? I should have asked myself CAN I ban booze? The answer unfortunately is no, you can't. What I found was that once I tried to control his drinking to some extent he just drank behind my back. I'd be cleaning the house and I'd find all these bottles and empty casks all over the place. I tell you, they find the weirdest hiding places for their empty booze bottles! You should absolutely not prevent yourself from enjoying the odd glass of wine just because of his drinking problem either. Remember, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
I remember at my first Al-Anon meeting we were all given a little scrap of paper with a guiding quote on it. I looked at my scrap of paper and it said "Let it begin with me". I still keep in in my purse and I still look at it and meditate on it.
So let it begin with you, Atikyn. Attend some meetings - I don't go regularly myself and there's no pressure but it's really really useful and the support is great (in my experience anyhow).
HugZ
Sandra
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
Posts: 146
Me again - I found this wonderful story which gives great insight into the horror of alcoholism
http://www.freenet.edmonton.ab.ca/al...strangers.html
http://www.freenet.edmonton.ab.ca/al...strangers.html
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: la la land
Posts: 196
I guess I feel quilty because he has hurt me and the kids so bad with this. I feel I don't have a right to enjoy a drink because it will only lead to alcoholism for myself. I don't think it will but "what if". Is it fair to my kids? Their daddy has screwed up the whole family will they realize that it's bad but mommy can have a drink now and again? I just don't want to do the "wrong" thing. My kids are always in bed by the time I have a cocktail but I get so much quillt having one drink that it almost makes me sick to my stomach. Like I am not aloud to relax or take a break. I have it in my head that it's bad bad bad. How do I move on to know that I can do it but it's not ok for him. Lots of quilt even though I drink differently. IT's not a major concern but my mind plays tricks on me and makes me feel as tho I am the problem and I contribute to his failure by having an occasional drink and he may know it. Then it turns the table to where I am the evil person. Should I feel quilty? Is this normal?
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: TACOMA WA
Posts: 6
Hi Atikyn,
I was in the same type of situation with my ex. He could not control his drinking and I always was trying to control it. I did ban it from the house. If he was going to drink, it wasn't to be around the kids or at home. Just like bookworm, I found bottles in strange places and the problems just increased. I have found with my A, where there is a will, there is a way and they always find a way. I would occasionly have a glass of wine after my children were in bed and felt like I was contributing to his drinking because if I can drink, why can't he? I think it is normal. I don't think you should have to feel guilty for trying to relax at the end of your day, but our feelings sometimes get the better of us. I wish you luck.
Lisa
I was in the same type of situation with my ex. He could not control his drinking and I always was trying to control it. I did ban it from the house. If he was going to drink, it wasn't to be around the kids or at home. Just like bookworm, I found bottles in strange places and the problems just increased. I have found with my A, where there is a will, there is a way and they always find a way. I would occasionly have a glass of wine after my children were in bed and felt like I was contributing to his drinking because if I can drink, why can't he? I think it is normal. I don't think you should have to feel guilty for trying to relax at the end of your day, but our feelings sometimes get the better of us. I wish you luck.
Lisa
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: No where
Posts: 79
Hi there
I feel the same way. My husband hasn't drank now in 3 years and he always says he doesn't mind if I have one. But if I do I also feel guilty. I will have a glass of wine at a family function but other than that now I only drink if he is away mainly because the guilt is too bad. He says it is no problem that he has faced the fact that he can't drink. Maybe it is me who can't understand that he would be ok with it. Don't know what to tell you, just that I feel the same.
I feel the same way. My husband hasn't drank now in 3 years and he always says he doesn't mind if I have one. But if I do I also feel guilty. I will have a glass of wine at a family function but other than that now I only drink if he is away mainly because the guilt is too bad. He says it is no problem that he has faced the fact that he can't drink. Maybe it is me who can't understand that he would be ok with it. Don't know what to tell you, just that I feel the same.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: I wish I knew...
Posts: 49
Well, I guess I come at this from a little different perspective. I truly feel now that alcohol is a drug and I want a drug-free home. I haven't had a drink since my AH went into rehab, so that means yesterday was my 90 days too... I understand that "he" has the problem with alcohol, but what am I showing my children if I drink? They already know that daddy has a problem. If I continue to drink they will grow up thinking it is ok, and that they can overcome this disease, when we all know that is usually not the case.
My AH has said that if I choose to drink he is fine with that (although he also feels it is a drug that he doesn't want in our house) but I made this change for me and my children. I already see so many of those behaviors in them that I KNOW they are going to have addiction problems if I don't confront these things now. They are 9 and 5... I probably sound like a hard a** about this, but I did soooo much research on alcoholism when he was gone that I feel like my eyes are completely open now. If I need to relax, I don't want a drink to help me do that. Not judging here, just stating my facts for me... It has nothing to do with guilt for me, it has to do with my future and the future of my kiddies...
My AH has said that if I choose to drink he is fine with that (although he also feels it is a drug that he doesn't want in our house) but I made this change for me and my children. I already see so many of those behaviors in them that I KNOW they are going to have addiction problems if I don't confront these things now. They are 9 and 5... I probably sound like a hard a** about this, but I did soooo much research on alcoholism when he was gone that I feel like my eyes are completely open now. If I need to relax, I don't want a drink to help me do that. Not judging here, just stating my facts for me... It has nothing to do with guilt for me, it has to do with my future and the future of my kiddies...
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
It is really hard to get that the alcoholic is completely responsible for a decision to drink. I occasionally drink, and don't have a problem. He does. AA teaches alcoholics to live life on life's terms. That means that they have to live in a world where people drink. The decision is for each of us to make. What is the best decision FOR ME? I have made decisions based on others, what they would do or think. Today, I decide what is healthy for me. My drinking doesn't hurt others or get me in trouble. I enjoy a couple of glasses of wine, or a mixed drink occasionally. It's fun. And I don't feel guilty. What do I have to feel guilty for? That I can enjoy something that someone else can't? I have a friend who can't walk. Do I feel guilty that I can?
Like Crazy Mary said, no judgements. We share our experience, strength, and hope, and you decide for yourself. Hugs, Magic
Like Crazy Mary said, no judgements. We share our experience, strength, and hope, and you decide for yourself. Hugs, Magic
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
If you're in turmoil over the idea of whether to drink or not, how relaxing is it? Is it hurtful? Debatable. Is it necessary? Nope. So if it's not necessary and the quandry makes your head spin... ?????
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
My situation is a little different as my A (life-partner) has been sober for >20 years and was sober when I met her [we have some serious dry-drunk issues and, recently, a VERY big problem has developed around internet addiction -- gaming, not porn -- so that's why I'm here (and in al anon) but that's another story], but I do drink occasionally and we do have alcohol in the house. Because cooking and entertaining are very important to me and a big part of my life (both with her and before her) wine is probably the largest presence, but other stuff is available, too.
If I were in a situation where someone in the house were trying to get sober, I think it would be different. When my youngest sister was trying to get sober and for probably the first 18 mos to 2 years that she was sober we always tried not to have anything out and around whenever she was over. It just seemed fair and right not to subject her to what might be torturous and painful temptation. After awhile though she told us that we didn't need to do that anymore, so we stopped gradually and it has been fine.
I think the issue gets complicated when kids are involved, too. For my part, my parents always let us have a "taste" of whatever they were drinking (drinking was very rare for them -- once or twice a month, maybe) and as we got into our teens would let us have a small glass with a meal if they were doing so. Out of 7, we have 1 alcoholic. My partners parents, on the other hand, were/are both alcoholics but absolutely forbade their children to drink -- as a result, my partner and her brother were out getting smashed "secretly" by the time they were teens, and at this point, 3 out of 4 of them are alcoholics.
With my kids I have followed my parents approach (which has sometimes been a point of contention between my partner and I) because 1) being -- or being perceived as -- a hypocrite is something I absolulety try to avoid -- especially with kids because they can smell it a mile away and will use it as an excuse to totally write off anything and everything you say or do (and rightly so) and 2) because I think that making alcohol into something so "adult" and so powerful that they have to be protected from it by all kinds of prohibitions etc...just sets up a situation in which they are encouraged to give it more power than it might otherwise have over them and that's not something to which I want to contribute.
My feeling is that if I want the boys to behave well and responsibly around alcohol (or anything else) I have to both teach and model that behavior -- and demonizing alcohol, or instilling a spooky fear of its power, or setting up some kind of "adults only" secrecy around it would probably not be the best way for me to accomplish that.
freya
BTW: I do know that, even at this point, my partner is not going to want to kiss me if I've had anything to drink and that I cannot expect her to be the one to throw out what's left of a bottle of wine -- even if it's been in the fridge for a week and tastes like crap -- even after 20+ years she will try to convince me to drink it rather than throw it away because somewhere deep inside she still has that feeling about how precious it is! YUK! YUK! YUK! -- I guess I wouldn't make a very good alcoholic!
If I were in a situation where someone in the house were trying to get sober, I think it would be different. When my youngest sister was trying to get sober and for probably the first 18 mos to 2 years that she was sober we always tried not to have anything out and around whenever she was over. It just seemed fair and right not to subject her to what might be torturous and painful temptation. After awhile though she told us that we didn't need to do that anymore, so we stopped gradually and it has been fine.
I think the issue gets complicated when kids are involved, too. For my part, my parents always let us have a "taste" of whatever they were drinking (drinking was very rare for them -- once or twice a month, maybe) and as we got into our teens would let us have a small glass with a meal if they were doing so. Out of 7, we have 1 alcoholic. My partners parents, on the other hand, were/are both alcoholics but absolutely forbade their children to drink -- as a result, my partner and her brother were out getting smashed "secretly" by the time they were teens, and at this point, 3 out of 4 of them are alcoholics.
With my kids I have followed my parents approach (which has sometimes been a point of contention between my partner and I) because 1) being -- or being perceived as -- a hypocrite is something I absolulety try to avoid -- especially with kids because they can smell it a mile away and will use it as an excuse to totally write off anything and everything you say or do (and rightly so) and 2) because I think that making alcohol into something so "adult" and so powerful that they have to be protected from it by all kinds of prohibitions etc...just sets up a situation in which they are encouraged to give it more power than it might otherwise have over them and that's not something to which I want to contribute.
My feeling is that if I want the boys to behave well and responsibly around alcohol (or anything else) I have to both teach and model that behavior -- and demonizing alcohol, or instilling a spooky fear of its power, or setting up some kind of "adults only" secrecy around it would probably not be the best way for me to accomplish that.
freya
BTW: I do know that, even at this point, my partner is not going to want to kiss me if I've had anything to drink and that I cannot expect her to be the one to throw out what's left of a bottle of wine -- even if it's been in the fridge for a week and tastes like crap -- even after 20+ years she will try to convince me to drink it rather than throw it away because somewhere deep inside she still has that feeling about how precious it is! YUK! YUK! YUK! -- I guess I wouldn't make a very good alcoholic!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: houston, tx
Posts: 323
My husaband has been sober for 25 years. I rarely drink but do enjoy a margarita once or twice a month when we go out. I didn't drink anything for the first few years he was sober even though he said it did not bother him. Now when I do tdrink. I don't feel a bit guilty. I doubt I will ever have a problem. After one drink, I just don't want another. It is impossiblre to ban alcohol from the house of a drinking alcoholic. They will find somewhere to hide it. Not worth the frustration when you find the hidden booze.
As far as children go, the best thing is ti try and teach them responsible drinking and pray it is not in their genes. If it is , it is likely they will experiment when thye get older. If they know they are at risk, I think those children might ask for help sooner. AA can definely become a family tradition. dax
As far as children go, the best thing is ti try and teach them responsible drinking and pray it is not in their genes. If it is , it is likely they will experiment when thye get older. If they know they are at risk, I think those children might ask for help sooner. AA can definely become a family tradition. dax
Contributing Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 12
I have chosen not to have alcohol in the house. My husband has been in recovery for only 2 weeks and I don't think he needs to have reminders of it around his home. If he is going to give in, there are plenty of places he can do it, but just not here. I haven't given up the occassional drink outside the house myself, but I would be willing to give it up completely if it is an issue for my husband. I've asked and he says it isn't, but I'm going to keep looking for signs that it might be. I might have a drink in a social situation even if my husband is there. I plan to play that one as it comes -- if I think it is going to make him uncomfortable, I won't. I don't feel any resentment in giving it up at home or even all together. Our life is unmanageable with his drinking -- if I can do something in support, it is worth it to me. And I don't drink regularly, or much anyway.
Another situation we are facing is a party we plan to have at our house next month. I have suggested that we can make it a dry party and our friends will understand. My husband doesn't want to do that (feeling it will make guests uncomfortable), but he plans to invite several of his new AA friends including his sponsor to be there as support. I think it is a reasonable solution or, at least, we'll see how it goes. Since our friends know of his problem, it isn't bound to be a rip-roaring drinking fest anyway.
I don't know if our approach is the best, but we're taking this one step at a time, and we'll see.
Another situation we are facing is a party we plan to have at our house next month. I have suggested that we can make it a dry party and our friends will understand. My husband doesn't want to do that (feeling it will make guests uncomfortable), but he plans to invite several of his new AA friends including his sponsor to be there as support. I think it is a reasonable solution or, at least, we'll see how it goes. Since our friends know of his problem, it isn't bound to be a rip-roaring drinking fest anyway.
I don't know if our approach is the best, but we're taking this one step at a time, and we'll see.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: SF, CA
Posts: 28
I'm not saying that this is the right way to do things, but if my H ever goes into recovery, I will want an alcohol free house... and I will stop drinking altogether in solidarity with him. I rarely drink anymore, anyways... wouldn't bother me one bit to stop altogether.
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