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Enabling vs. Positive Reinforcement - Attach With Love - Partnership Drug Free



Enabling vs. Positive Reinforcement - Attach With Love - Partnership Drug Free

Old 08-07-2013, 09:32 AM
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Enabling vs. Positive Reinforcement - Attach With Love - Partnership Drug Free

Saw this on another area of SR and felt it cleared up some things for me so thought I would share here in hopes it may clear some of the muddy waters.
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A Note On “Enabling” vs. Positive Reinforcement
By Jeffrey Foote, PhD
Posted on: Partnership For a Drug Free America

If you are a partner, parent or child of someone struggling with substance problems, and you live in America, you’ve probably heard this word “enabling” (possibly many, many times). And you’ve probably heard this described as central to your interactions in helping your loved one. Mostly, you have heard “DON’T DO IT”!, and if you are like most concerned family members, you feel vaguely guilty for doing something you’re not even sure you are doing (but you must be, right?).

By way of quick review, “enabling” actually means doing positive things that will end up supporting continued negative behavior, such as providing your child with money so they won’t “go hungry” during the day, knowing they use it to buy pot. Another example is going to talk to your child’s teacher to make sure she doesn’t get a bad grade, even though her bad test score was due to drinking. Or calling your husband’s work to explain he’s sick today, when he’s actually hung over.

These are examples of doing something “nice” for your loved one that actually (from a behavioral reinforcement standpoint) might increase the frequency of the negative behavior, not decrease it. The logic: if they act badly and nothing happens, or something good happens, this behavior is encouraged, even if what you are doing is “nice”. This IS enabling, and this is not helpful in changing behavior in a positive direction.

But everything nice is not enabling! And that’s the quicksand we have developed in our culture. Staying connected, rewarding positive behaviors with positivity, being caring and loving; these things are critical to positive change.

So what’s the difference? Positive reinforcement is doing “nice” things in response to positive behavior. Simple as that. When your loved one wakes up on time in the morning, when he takes his sister to school, when she texts you tell you she’ll be late, when he doesn’t smoke pot on Friday night, when he helps you make dinner instead of going for a quick drink with the boys on the way home. These are positive actions, and acknowledging them, rewarding them, being happy about them, is a GOOD thing, not enabling.

Enabling is a meaningful concept. It’s just overused to the point that families often feel their loving and caring is the problem. IT’S NOT! Caring about and staying connected in a helping way with someone dealing with substances is not only helpful, it’s one of the most powerful motivators for change.

To restate the slogan: Attach with love — just love the positive actions and step away from the negative.
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Old 08-07-2013, 10:12 AM
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My only quibble is with the concept of "positive reinforcement" as if you were training a young child or a puppy. I think it's fine to say "thanks" or "I appreciated your taking Susie to school today," (assuming he didn't drive Susie while drunk). But "rewarding" the good behavior for the sake of rewarding it--as positive reinforcement, IOW, makes it a control tool rather than simply being pleasant.

People don't need to be REWARDED for doing what they should be doing anyway--adults don't, at any rate. The other piece of it is that they then use our failure to "reward" them as they think they DESERVE to be rewarded as another excuse for a resentment--another reason to drink or drug because "nobody appreciates me."

Just my take on it. Nice is one thing, "rewarding" is another.
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Old 08-07-2013, 10:23 AM
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I completely agree Lexi. Common courtesy is not my issue. However, treating people as they are not capable has been. Big difference!!
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Old 08-07-2013, 11:02 AM
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Totally agree with Lexi here - rewarding good behavior is just as exhausting as making excuses for bad behavior. I think it's enabling all around when it requires me to do that much WORK, and puts me in the uncomfortable position of constantly judging his behavior.

Even in recovery, RAH "asks" for this though - "did you see? I did that... that needed to be done & I did it... you told me to do it & I did it.... did you see???..." despite the fact that it was a normal chore he handled, he wanted/needed acknowledgement for doing good.

I can't keep up with patting him on the back every time he takes the garbage out or remembers to do something. I snapped once & he's backed off a bit.... I didn't mean to be so mean about it but I had just had one of "those" days... wasn't taking the time to filter every syllable & I snapped. I told him I would be willing to go to the Dollar Store & buy a bag of those fake gold medals we give the kids for every time he "done good"... that I didn't have the time or patience to continually praise him for doing the things he's supposed to be doing anyway, but if it made him feel better I'd leave a bag of them in the kitchen drawer that he could help himself to every time he felt that he needed a reward.

I probably went too far with that one, but maybe not. He hasn't been as greedy about this kind of attention since then & I think it gave him a visual representation of what he had been asking of me... which, I don't think, he realized OR intended.
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Old 08-07-2013, 11:07 AM
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Well what I was taking away from it was maintain the lines of common courtesy. For me, the lines between detachment and enabling are kind of blurred so, anything that clarifies that for me is appreciated. I don't agree with the "dog training aspect" either, I don't want to be married to a trained poodle any more than I want to be married to an AH, but where it struck home with me was you can still say thank you for doing a chore but you don't have to thank them for not being a drunken jerk. If that makes any sense. I've personally taken the approach of ignoring the addiction and instead addressing the behaviors that are unacceptable regardless of the reasoning behind them. Kind of like "Honey, getting upset and stomping your feet is not ok just because........" insted of "OH MY GOD, YOU ARE ACTING LIKE A FREAKING CHILD YOU DRUNKEN FOOL.". I'm exagerating but not by much.
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Old 08-07-2013, 11:35 AM
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Yeah, try to take the "improvement in behavior" out of the equation. If you would normally say thanks, say thanks. If not, don't. Thanks for going out of your way to do something especially nice that you didn't have to do. No thanks for not puking on the side of the toilet or for not starting a fight at bedtime. Taking out the trash--meh. If you would tell anyone who lives there and contributes to the trash thank you for taking it out, then do. Otherwise, not.
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Old 08-07-2013, 12:32 PM
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My problem with this article is it is written from the perspective of helping the alcoholic.

The whole positive reinforcement thing may or may not help with the A's behavior I can positively say it will reinforce my codie behavior. Because when I am using positive reinforcement with my A I am focusing on them and their behavior and their recovery and I am not focusing on mine.

No thanks, I've done that enough already. I'll be selfish and focus on me because the only recovery I have any control over is mine.

Your friend,
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Old 08-07-2013, 12:36 PM
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Originally Posted by m1k3 View Post
My problem with this article is it is written from the perspective of helping the alcoholic.

The whole positive reinforcement thing may or may not help with the A's behavior I can positively say it will reinforce my codie behavior. Because when I am using positive reinforcement with my A I am focusing on them and their behavior and their recovery and I am not focusing on mine.

No thanks, I've done that enough already. I'll be selfish and focus on me because the only recovery I have any control over is mine.

Your friend,

He Shoots. He Scores.


GOAL! GOAL! GOAL!


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