Sadconfused

Its been awhile, I can never seem to make myself post here as much as I should. Any who, things are changing. I have learned to fully detach from xabf,
I found that when dealing with him it is best for me to just go completely numb and emotionless. Sounds bad but there is just no point, we just do circles as most people do when trying to rationalize with a drunk irrational person. Its actually kind of nice, by giving up what I thought was control and power over trying to maintain and fix him and just not caring, I have actually gained a lot more power over me. I realized that no one controls my decisions and actions. I am free to do what I want, no one can stop me I am not a child.

I guess the real turning point for me was this past weekend. I have been going through some rough stuff for a few weeks and am just generally sad and depressed. I tried to tell xabf this sat morning as he was pretty sober, he had only had a few beers at this point. What was his response?! "I dont care" in his defensive, crappy, attitude filled voice that you would expect from a teenager. I didnt speak to him the rest of the day, he didnt care. He sat here and got wasted while playing his game. So later that evening he passed out sitting up on the couch while I was putting our daughter to bed. I was furious. I sent him a text telling him I was done and didnt want to be with him anymore and left him there. The next morning I watched him read said text without so much as blinking an eye. Completely emotionless, didnt phase him one bit not that thought it would. He never said a word about it, tried to go on and be normal with me but I ignored him, gave him the cold shoulder and went about my day as planned without him. Again later that night he passed out sitting up on the couch. I sent him another text saying I meant what I said and I wanted to split up and I went to bed. A few hours later he woke up, came in my room raising hell. I calmly told him he had all day to talk and chose not too, I would not be woke up at 3 am to talk about it now and went back to bed. I heard him ranting and raving for a while and I guess he went back to sleep. He went to work monday for a few hours and came home early trying to play the i love you and Im so sad, I dont want to lose you. My only response was "i dont care, Isnt that what you told me when I said I was sad? so why should I give a rats hiney" He pouted for awhile but quickly went back to his game and drinking. I have been giving him the cold shoulder since. No I love yous, no hugs, no polite meaningless conversation. I only speak to him when I have to pertaining to our daughter or what not.

I just over it, I am uninterested at this point and am ready to move on alone. He is still just ignoring it. Like he has to accept my break up for it to be official. I am really at a loss for what to do next other than straight up telling him to gtfo. My friend suggested that I just keep living like I would without him. he wants to pretend my words aren't real so pretend he isn't. I dunno, sounds good in theory but she has dealt with many A's. Any suggestions? Helpful encouraging advice? I will take anything. This has to be it, Im done. He makes me uncomfortable, I feel like I cant be myself around him with out judgement. I am so much happier when not around him, he sucks the life and energy out of me. Should I just tell him that? Does it matter what I say if he is just going to blow it off and continue doing what he does. GRRRRRRRR

Wavy

Its great that you've been able to come to a strong decision to remove all that chaos from your life.

The thing that struck me was that if you want him to leave, you probably need to tell him that! You've told him your done and want to break up, I think you need to make it clear what needs to happen now. You might not be able to force him to leave, but if you haven't even asked him to then I'm not surprised he thinks he can still be there like nothing has changed. I'm not sure how just pretending he isn't there will help things progress. Hopefully folks with more experience and knowledge will be along to help you with what options you have regarding getting him to move out. you may be able to do something legally, I don't know.

You can tell him these things, but don't expect them to change anything. They are important things and your truth, but he probably doesn't really respect what you say at this point, by the sounds of it.

fedupbeyondall

Do you have the option to leave and get your own place? If so I would consider that option. Or just tell him to GTFO. Either way you have to do whats best for your and your daughter.

LexieCat

disregard, posted in error.

CentralOhioDad

Sorry to be so blunt, but: why are you still with him? You sound quite done in your heart and head - so what's left?

Just wondering.

C-OH Dad

AnvilheadII

i am confused a bit here as well...you refer to him as your EX but you are living together and still trying to have meaningful rational conversations with a drunk and then give him the cold shoulder with no i love you's, hugs, etc.

let's get basic. he's not your EX.....yet. you have to do the EX'ING part first. GTFO pretty much says it all.

i cannot live with someone who drinks to excess. i am no longer going to try to change you into someone you are not. therefore, it's time for us to part, you have until the Nth of August to get out. (or I will will be leaving on the Nth of August, depending on who has propriety rights to the residence).

atalose

I don't believe you have....

You are still trying to seek comfort from someone not capable of providing you with that...an ex as you call him.

Very poor advise to a codie who is still trying to fix and repair the man she wants him to be and the man she continues to share a home with.

You need counseling to help you let go of this person that you struggle to let go of. What about al-anon, what about moving out yourself?

Sadconfused

Sorry, I must have typed something wrong or didnt make something clear enough. I have a hard time putting my thoughts in an organized easy to understanding manner. I have not been trying to have meaningful rational conversations with him, not anymore. Ive have told him I dont want to be with him and that I think we should split up. I told him there was nothing more to say, thats it. He is just sitting there like a lump acting like Im not serious. I call him my ex because that is what he is becoming, already has in my mind. We have no relationship we have a 3 yr old and live together, no emotional or physical relationship what so ever.

We live here with my dad, its his house, he pays rent. My dad is also an A. It makes things messy when trying to deal with them both at the same time. I know my only option is to give him a deadline to just get out but I am assuming it is going to be the same fight of trying to get him to take me seriously. I mean if someone bluntly told me they didnt want to be with me and they thought we should split up I would take the hint and exit said relationship. He clearly doesnt think like this. I am just starting to regain some power here so give me a little break.

SparkleKitty

I am assuming you don't feel like you would be successful enlisting your father (the actual rent-payer) to help get your XABF out of the house. If that is an incorrect assumption, then I think that is an option you could explore.

Other than that, you could spend the next ten years trying to get him to take you seriously, but nothing changes if nothing changes. How soon could YOU realistically leave this leaving situation if you had to?

Sadconfused

No, I dont think it will help at all. He could if he was always sober. He isnt always drunk by any means but as soon as he was it would go very bad. They arent on great terms as it. Xabf is very unstable and hostile while drinking and my dad is a 70 yr old vet who is not in great health.

I am going to try to catch him sober one more time and explain Im done, we are over and he needs to move. I dont want to fix him anymore, trust me. There is nothing he can do to make me want to stay with him, he could turn into mr perfect and I would still want out. Too much damage has been done. At this point fear of him and his stupidity is what has keep me with him. I am finally finding the courage but not enough clearly.

SparkleKitty

My concern is that he has too good a situation at your home to do anything but ignore your words, whether you are 'together' or not. So many A's are afraid of losing the status quo, and will go to any length to maintain it. Tread very carefully here, SC, I'm worried for you.

I would also strongly encourage you to see what other options you might have for getting yourself and your daughter out of the house instead, or even until he goes. Leave the two A's to duke it out without having a front row seat!

Sending strength and courage.

amy55

sadconfused,

I think you have made a lot of progress. You are sounding so much better then you did months ago. It's baby steps, but that is sometimes what we need to do.

I do want to caution you though, that you are starting to show some strength to him, and he will be using different tactics now. Be prepared for them.

Did you ever call the DV hotline? You can gain a lot of strength and knowledge from them also.

I would vote for the GTFO, but I was in a situation that I felt I couldn't get out of. Sometimes tiny steps so that you can feel yourself getting stronger is what you might need.

I don't recall if there was also physical violence, just make sure you keep yourself safe.

The progress I am seeing here is that you are accepting the situation as it is. That's a big one to go through.

If you feel he can turn violent call the DV hotline, go to the shelter. If you do leave I would also keep in mind that you can call Senior Protection Services for your father.

I don't know your whole situation, so was just throwing a few things out there.

Sadconfused

This is my thought too. He has it made here, no rent, no responsibilities, gets to play with his kid when he wants too and keep tabs on me while still doing whatever he wants.

He has been violent, he has smacked, choked, shoved, tackled, and held a pillow over my face. Just thinking about all that and typing it makes me sick. Its easy to block it out and forget sometimes as time passes but when it pops in my head especially the pillow incident because of the look of pure hate and anger in his face the feelings are just as fresh as ever. That incident was just in april. He hasnt shown any signs of violence through all of the recent stuff, he seems just as numb as me at this point. I dont know if that should worry me or not. I am always on gaurd with him and always tread lightly with him which is why I guess it is so hard to just tell him to gtfo.

I am finding strength, mainly because I guess Ive accepted that all he can do is kill me and sometimes that seems better than living like this forever and Im sure he is just going to get much more as we age more. I am just trying to find the safest and least chaotic exit at this point.

Sadconfused

Just standing up to him in very small ways seems like such a step in the right way, it makes me feel stronger, more independent, less controlled. I know they are all very small steps to most but you dont understand the courage it takes to do just those small things. Its the only speck of hope and courage I have got at this point.

SparkleKitty

I think you are incredibly strong. And every step you take, whatever the size, is a step in the right direction. Let them build upon one another and you will get where you want to go.

LexieCat

Sc,

Call your domestic violence advocate or the DV hotline. The history of violence here should entitle you to a restraining order. That will REQUIRE him to leave the house and to have no contact with you.

They can also help you create a safety plan, which you will need even after he leaves. Please do it--at least get the information. I think if you wait until he takes you seriously, you will have a long, long wait. Or there will be another explosion of violence. Please at least talk to them.

Sadconfused

I had done a little research on restraining orders and epos here, from what I took I have to have some sort of proof of the violence, it most cases apolice report before a judge will approve it but Im sure they will know a lot more. Im not sure why I have such a hard time calling, i find it hard to open up to strangers and I never have much alone time and peace to call. No excuse I know , I need to just get it over with.

And thank you Sparkle Kitty, you dont know how much something so small helps. <3

LexieCat

Your testimony is all the proof that is NEEDED. This isn't like a criminal case where it has to be proved beyond a reasonable doubt. The court just has to be convinced that it "probably" happened. Of course, that doesn't mean you are guaranteed to get it.

The counselors will be able to talk you through it. If there is one thing I've learned over the past several years, it is that keeping stuff to yourself just keeps you in misery. Reaching out for help to deal with problems is so much more likely to open doors and make things happen that I sometimes mentally kick myself for not doing it sooner.

amy55

Sadconfused,

I also had a hard time making that first call to the DV hotline. They answered the phone, I told them that I didn't know what I was supposed to say, they just talked to me like we were friends for over 20 years. I started feeling comfortable with them, and I just let it all out. Talked to them for over 2 hours. They were very calm and reassuring, they told me what resources were available to me. They were simply amazing.

Then one night, my ex grabbed me by the neck and threw me to the floor. I had no problem calling the local dv shelter, and after giving me instructions as to where to meet them, I did go to the shelter. They also did give me the option of having the police come to pick me up to bring me there, but I did have a car.

I really think that you will feel a lot better when you make that initial phone call.

You can get a temporary restraining order without proof of anything, just based on allegations. This is enough to get him out of the house. If you do this, then document any attempt he makes at trying to contact you. Phone calls, emails, texts, report all of them. DV hotline can help you a lot with this.

Oh, and I do remember you. I used to check here every Monday to make sure that you were OK.

Sadconfused

Thank you all, I actually just found a woman's law website and it cleared up a lot on some of my fears. I know I need to call, I think it would make me feel a lot better in the end. I need to get up first thing in the morning and do it. He will be home soon and I want to be alone when I call.

I am still going to try to tell him one more time tonight that he needs to start making other arrangements for living and what not. We will see how it goes but i am expecting a big fat load of nothing to come of it. Thank you all for the support, I will be back on tomorrow.