ScaredSon

Hello everyone, this is the first forum I have ever been a part of so forgive me if I make any mistakes. Ok, so I need some advice on what to do about my alcoholic mother. First a little bit of backstory. I live with both my parents and my two younger brothers. My parents are two people who should have never gotten married. My father has borderline personality disorder, which basicaly means he is borderline psychotic, and he has abused my mother mentally and emotionaly since they were married. My mom had a god awful childhood, she was poor, had an absent father and had to drop out of school in 8th grade to take care of her mom who was always sick. She was also raped when she was very young and on top of all that she is dyslexic. She started drinking when I was around 9 or 10 and has never really stopped(I am 24 now). Her and my dad used to take pills and drink on top of them, but my dad sobered up after he had his second stroke in 2011. My mom has been sober off and on over the years but she always ends up drinking again and its usually during a time of stress over money or when my dad goes off on one of his psychotic tirades. However, my dad had been doing better these last couple of weeks and today my mom went and got her a small bottle of vodka. Now my dad is pissed and said he I done with her and he said, "I'm gonna fire her ass up", whatever that means. He is also talking about getting a new place to live and has invited me to come with him. I really don't want to because I know how he can be and I think he is a big reason why my mom drinks. A couple more things about my mom: she claims she has fibromyalgia, which may be another reason why she drinks, and she has never been an everyday drinker. I think my dad is overreacting (which he often does) because she had been doing really good for some months. That being said, I am always afraid of my mom drinking and of my dad going nuclear about it. I have lived with terror my whole life, weather it be my mom drinking or my dad starting fights with her and abusing her. I just don't know what to do. I don't have a job right now and I don't really have anyone to talk to. I just can't take it anymore.

thislonelygirl

I see alot of excuses about your moms drinking.
First...theres no excuse other than addiction. It is what it is. I used to reason with it and then I finally accepted the fact that good day bad day....rich poor ...it didnt matter everything is an excuse to drink. The sooner you accept that the better it will be for you. This is also a form of enabling.
Alot of people live tough lives and alot dont turn to drinking or drugs.
Addiction isnt the symptom to a problem ..its the cause.
Responsibility starts with tge person. Its one of the major things a person learns in recovery and how to cope. Anyhow I am sorry your in this situation . I cant imagine growing up in a home like this....
As soon as your able I would say the best thing for YOU is to leave and seek help.
Best of luck

lillamy

Hey,

It sounds like you're in a really tough situation, and that you have been for a very long time. And it also sounds like you don't really have any good options right now - go with the abusive dad or stay with the alcoholic mom... That sounds like you're choosing between what's the least bad. And I kind of think you deserve more than that.

It also sounds like you're very protective of your mother and don't really have very warm feelings for your father? And that's OK. I mean, it's damn hard to love someone with BPD. They're not very lovable, in general. And if you've also witnessed him being abusive to your mother, so much harder to love him. But I'm just guessing here based on what I read - I'm sorry if I'm misinterpreting what you're saying.

You sound worried about your mom. I would be too if I heard someone say what he said about her. I'm not sure what it means either but it doesn't sound good.

My story is that I was married to an alcoholic for 20 years. I loved him. And I desperately wanted him to stop drinking. It was very hard for me to accept that I couldn't. That I didn't have power to make him do anything. I had thoughts like "if he loved me, he'd quit drinking" and "if I was just different, better, he would get sober." Our kids believed that if they just did better in school or didn't fight, he'd quit drinking. None of that was true but we believed it anyway.

I don't have any great advice other than that... No matte how much you love your mom, you can't make her stop drinking. But you can help yourself. I would go to a few Al-Anon meetings and listen to the stories of other people with alcoholics in their families and how they manage to stay same. I'd also recommend any books by Melody Beattie about codependency.

I'm sorry I don't have anything ore helpful tonight, and I'm even more sorry about the situation you find yourself in. Just know that it's not impossible to feel better. And I'm sure other people here with have lots of good things to say. So hang out for a while. This is a pretty good place for support.

NWGRITS

Welcome to SR, ScaredSon! You've got a real whopper of a family of origin, and that has put you between a rock and a hard place. Have you made your way over to the Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents board yet? We would love to see you over there.

As an ACoA for 30 years now, I've played pretty much every role in the codie playbook. For the longest time I thought that if I just acted better, got better grades, avoided my AM, tried to not rock the boat, and on and on, that she would stop drinking. If we could just create a stress free environment for her, it would all stop. That's not the way addiction works. Nothing you or anyone else does causes your mother to drink. That's the first thing you need to realize: You are powerless over her drinking. What you do have power over is your self-preservation and your recovery. The recommendation of Al-Anon will be given to you a lot on these boards. If you can get yourself to meetings, please do.

I know what it feels like to be stuck. I know what it feels like to think that if only this would happen, or if only that would stop, things would get better. You can If Only yourself to death and she will still be drinking. You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it. Please keep reading here, and go visit us on the ACoA board.

PippiLngstockng

Hi ScaredSon,
I understand your story. I didn't grow up with an alcoholic, but my father was always abusive and my mother put me in the role of protecting her and I left home at 15.

I really focused on my grades and getting a good job to get out of my situation. It didn't all work out, since it turns about my children's father is an A and I had to get away from him.

So now I am starting over.

Al Anon and SR and friends have really helped me to figure out my situation. I really recommend investing the time in understanding alcoholism and abuse.

Then what about you? What dreams for yourself do you have? What steps can you begin to take to get you where you want to be next?

honeypig

ScaredSon, welcome to SR. Sorry you had the need to search for this kind of help, but glad you found us. I've learned so much from reading and posting here and hope you are able to do the same.

I would strongly suggest you get to an Alanon meeting as soon as you can; a lot of comfort and hope are offered there. Here's a link to a meeting directory http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ and here's a link within SR regarding members' experiences w/Alanon http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ings-like.html

SR is a wonderful place, but sometimes you need face-to-face talk and help. I use both SR and Alanon for the strengths of each; maybe something similar would work for you too.

Again, sorry to hear about your situation; it sounds like you have a lot to sort through. I wish you strength and clarity going forward, and some moments of peace here and there.

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome! I don't have experience with alcoholic parents myself, but I have many close friends who have grown up in these kinds of households.

Al-Anon can help you a LOT. I suggest you find a meeting or two and get going. You can't "save" or protect either parent. But you can save yourself, and stop the cycle.

Is there any way you can get out on your own? Just getting physically away from the craziness can help a LOT. I know it's expensive to live on your own, but there are a lot of other people out there your age who need roommates. Just a thought. There are options. Getting involved in Al-Anon can help you free yourself emotionally from this mess.

ScaredSon

Thank you for your kind responses everyone, I really just needed to get that off my chest and see what other people had to say about it. I will definitley consider going to al-anon. I am also looking for a job so that I can move out. I love my mom but I am done trying to change her. If she ever wants my support for getting sober, I'll be there for her but other than that I'm just going to live my life and let her reap what she sows.

Recovering2

AlAnon has taught me to "love them where they're at". We can love the A in our life, but we have to accept their choice to be where they are right now. We can't control or cure it. We CAN find a way to get peace and be more centered in our own life.

I hope you get to an AlAnon meeting sooner than later. It's suggested you go to at least 6 before deciding if you like it or not. There are men only meetings. Different meetings have different formats, so find one that works for you. You will find yourself among friends who truly "get it", and their experiences will help you formulate a plan for your life.

Hope you stay around.