HopefulinFLA

Last week AH says to me that he can't live like this anymore and he needs help. Says he's going to start going to AA meetings, and maybe counseling. Sounds good, but I try not to get my hopes up and feel like all is well. I've been disappointed so many times before, time will tell.

When I get home from work tonight, he has admittedly had a "couple", but tells me that he's looking at it as a positive thing and he's very proud of himself because he was able to leave after just a few and not stay out til the wee hours of the morning hence missing work the next day. (big smile on his face) Oh, and btw not a single meeting or counseling session has yet been attended.

Seriously, sober is sober. I don't think there are any degrees of sobriety or shades of grey here. Sounds like his addicted voice was just blabbering away. I'm so flippin frustrated!

Thoughts, opinions anyone?

Tuffgirl

Slipped? I think that only applies to icy or slick sidewalks/roadways.

Drinking is drinking. Sure, he thinks its positive that he didn't drown himself in booze this time. But what about next time?

Recovering2

He's still active in his addiction...period. Don't listen to what he says, watch what he does. No AA meetings, no appointments made with a counselor. Now trying to control it, which never works.

Find a way to detach. He's either going to get sober, or he's going to drink. There is no in between. Nothing you can do about it either way. Your own quotation from the Dalai Lama says it best.

nbay2013

After my XAB decided his drinking might be a problem he tried all sorts of interesting things to cut back. I remember, he used a smaller glass for the vodka. He would only have one cocktail out at dinner, and wait until he got home to have more. He was proud that he NEVER drank at parties; only at home. Wow, I never really thought about all this. In retrospect I am assuming he must have had a big internal struggle that I was not aware of. I didn't know the extent of his problem until after we broke up. I do remember being confused about why the whole thing seemed so complicated. The issue that scared me the most was his combining sleeping meds with alcohol. That was one of the main wake up calls for me. I remember pleading with him not to do that dangerous combination. His solution was to drink earlier. Yikes; I had forgot a lot of this.

Bottom line. There was nothing I could do. I just didn't know it at the time.

thislonelygirl

My ah went from stopping cold turkey, sobreity for 2 months give or take and being a wonderful sound and mind human being to back to drinking again.
Sober IS definitely sober. No inbetweens.
My ah knew and knows deep down he should quit....he tried cutting down.claims to do so now (bs!) But it wasnt the same HIM unless dry like he was before.
Your husband knows its a problem but isnt doing anything to fix it.
Its almost like a lazy addictive smoke up the bum blabbering.
You can talk and talk. And about doing something but its just talk until there is action.
Its like saying look honey I did the dishes I just didnt use water or soap and half of them are soaking in the sink. Lol
Its just not getting the job done.
I wouldnt be impressed unless he went all the way

LexieCat

I know it looks like NOTHING is happening, but trust me, this is a process virtually every alcoholic has to go through. I did it for four and a half years, playing those same kinds of moderation games. I think it's necessary because to really recover the alcoholic basically has to be convinced that doing it this way won't work. And the only way most of us are convinced is to try and try again and keep screwing up.

So it isn't a total negative, necessarily. No telling how long he will stay in this phase, but at least the wheels are beginning to turn. All I suggest is that you not join him in celebrating his "progress". You can just say, "That's nice," and change the subject. He's gotta convince himself. And the more you stay out of it, the less he will need to defend his efforts to you.

HopefulinFLA

Lexie,

Thanks for the perspective. Now that you mention it, he has been doing a lot moderating over the last couple of years. Switching from tequila (nightmare) to vodka (tiny bit better), limiting the number of hours he drinks or defining what constitutes a day he can drink such has having no work the next day or only on weekends. Still, it always seems to get the better of him eventually.

Like you mentioned, I didn't engage in celebration with him over his victory. I also didn't engage in an argument about any of it. Arguing doesn't do anything to further his recovery, it only upsets me and makes me anxious and stressed. I'm learning.

LexieCat

I had a little notepad on the wall I used to count my drinks. I was honest about it (at least until I got too drunk to remember to mark them). I measured. I ate first. I drank more water. I tried to quit earlier in the evening (that one almost never succeeded).

Like I said, I did this for four and a half years, while telling myself I was "working" on my drinking problem. It got progressively worse during that time, but it took me all that time to wake the hell up. So it isn't hopeless. How long you can tolerate it is an individual thing. And how long HE can tolerate it is, too. I know people who have been stuck in this pattern for literally decades. They keep trying and trying to control it, convinced that if they do this or that differently, this time it will be different. I'm thankful it didn't take me longer.

atalose

I hear the frustration and disappointment in your post, it’s very difficult wanting to believe when they say they want to change only to witness they don’t really mean it.

Reading Lexie’s post reminded me of years ago in al-anon I learned about the three A’s. Awareness, Acceptance, Action and they happen in that order with the middle one being the hardest. Most of us think Action is the hardest because we haven’t Accepted yet. Once you Accept that he is exactly who he is, that your life is exactly they way it is and the chances are much greater it will stay this way then suddenly change into what you want it to be, then the Action will come.

AnvilheadII

so does he ever NOT drink, or does he just change up how and what he drinks? what you describe is NOT a slip....it was intentional drinking, with malice aforethought.

HopefulinFLA

Yes, he can go for days and weeks with out drinking. The longest I've ever seen is 6 months. There isn't much of a pattern except that after a series of 2-3 day benders he'll stop for a period of time, however long that may be.

As for malice, I really don't think that describes it. It's more like losing a battle within himself. The frustrating part is that if he really wants to make change he needs to do something different like AA or counseling or whatever the hell works for him. I don't much care what it is as long as it is an honest effort in the right direction with a real desire to succeed.

HopefulinFLA

So that's what's been going on in my head lately! Thanks for putting a name to it.

HopefulinFLA

Thanks Lexie, I always find your insights very helpful.

LexieCat

I think Anvil meant that in the "legal" sense of the word. Not malice as in ill-will, but malice as in premeditation. It was a decision on his part.

And, in a manner of speaking, it was. It was a product of rationalization, the alcoholic's best friend. He gave into the drinking because he was able to make it OK in his own mind because he decided he was only going to have a couple. And he was thrilled he succeeded. I remember those "victories." They are very deceptive--you really feel like you're doing better.

Until, of course, you aren't any more.