NYCDoglvr

In the same way alcoholics crave booze, codependents are addicted to them. When I learned to tell the difference between love and need in Alanon, so much became clear. It's no coincidence both AA and Alanon use the same 12 Steps. I've been where you are and the obsessing is torture but it will pass. Just maintain no contact. You're doing great!

blake1989

Hey Zen. Believe it or not, your screen name, and your responses to my posts were very powerful, and I've reread them many times. I envisioned myself in your shoes months down the road in the future if I made the tragic, difficult, painful decision to break it off with my gf. So to see this post I just have to tell you what I learned from you.

In one of your responses you said to me:

"As you start to have more aha moments I believe you will come to understand you are getting the short end of the stick here."

God I love her. She's never violent or anything. But she's a mess. Did I ever dream of this for a relationship? No. But everyday, literally everyday, I picture (mind you, not dream of) that day or night I drive home after I leave her. She quit drinking around me recently. Yet I still feel I'm getting the short end of the stick here. Just as you said.

Maybe you can take some power from what you said to me.

ZenMe

Most people hit pretty close to home with what I experienced, a combination of fantasy, emotional high, etc.

I remember when my x quit drinking around me, the sad truth was she just kept drinking when I wasn't around. Then finally when we were on vacation a few days she couldn't stand it anymore and ordered wine with dinner. Yet another eye opener.

Anyhow just wanted to share that, maybe it applies. Hopefully you don't experience too many eye opening experiences, once they are open that's all it should take, not a constant closing/opening cycle that drags.

Anyhow, thanks!

nbay2013

Originally Posted by ZenMe
I was totally drunk on my emotions, blasting music, reminiscing and floating in my own reverie.

I am on week three of no contact. I am in the stage of feeling of constant anxiety and having chronic conversations between my Ex-AB in my head. I think the only reason I am keeping myself together is by being numb and logical. I wouldn't even dare consider playing music or reminiscing because I might just go running back to the Ex; and that is NOT an option. So, I think Zen, you are farther along in healing than you think. Like one person wrote on this thread, and I agree, if I knew my ex-ab was with a woman camping, eating marshmallows and ****, I would just friggin lose it.

I read SR twice a day; at least. I don't have any wise advice. All I can do is tell a bit of what I am experiencing day to day and try to be honest. I know I am mostly scared, often terrified, and wondering how the f**k this happened. I know I have a lot of work to do. I look forward to down the road when I can have more clarity to help me understand how the last five years with the XAB affected me and how I let so many lines be crossed.

ZenMe

Ok so another thing that has really been taking up room in my brain lately are thoughts like.

"I will always be there for her even if she knows it or not"
"She has trouble making real friends, I will help her out later if she needs it"
"If she ever stops drinking we could be friends"

I envision a future where she is still somehow in my life. Maybe because I don't want to think of it as a death/obliteration.

Of course if she tried to contact me and said she needed help or what not I wouldn't even reply back.

What kind of codie craziness is this? I know this is all fantasy and I'm no way in hell going back. But it's soothing to think these thoughts. They calm me somehow.

Peppermynt

Zen - I totally understand your feelings, I just broke up with my ABF. Actually, I think he broke up with me, which does wonders for my ego. But he is in the grips of the disease right now, so it's for the best.

What I will say to you - a day at a time really applies here. You have no idea what your future or your ex's will bring. So try and stay away from obsessing over the past and future as much as possible. I know easier said than done - I'm doing my best at it right now. But it makes the world that much more bearable. Also read anything you can get your hands on. Even if it has sunsets on the cover and looks cheesy and weird. Just read it. Al-Anon meetings, books, and podcasts help, too. My best wishes for you.

nbay2013

ZenMe:

I would discourage that kind of self soothing. It's a way to avoid feeling the uncomfortable emotions. And we have to go through it. Fantasizing about possibilities is a way to stay connected and avoid pain. So when you fall into that kind of day dream; I would recommend you gently just pull your thoughts away without self judgement. Bonding with a human is normal and we have had unhealthy bonding on top of it. So over time, it will become less and less. Having said all that; and myself being in week three of no contact and ANGER, I have to pull myself out of anger rants in my head.

It's very disturbing. Writing my anger rants on paper seems to help.

Big hug ZenMe,

Carrie

lizatola

Oh, this is a good one. I definitely have an attention problem, paying attention to other people's problems instead of my own life.

Sending you support, ZenMe. It sounds like you're on the right path and by just coming here it shows you are trying to work through things and keep an open mind.

By the way, backpacking sounds like so much fun!!! I backpacked the Grand Canyon MANY years ago and would love to get fit enough to do it again. I hope you had a great weekend and have another fun weekend planned ahead!

ZenMe

The trip was amazing, river hiking with 100+ft walls surrounding you.

I'm like 2 months into NC. I'm able to distinguish between fantasy and I'm able to pull myself out of it. It's just so interesting that those thoughts would be soothing. I do agree that it is a way to stay connected and avoid the pain of severing the connection fully.

It is becoming less and I know I'm on my way. SR helps ground me in reality and help me point my own compass. I'm currently planning the next 1-2 years or my life and have tons going on. So not only am I disconnecting from a relationship but from living here since I plan to move.

NYCDoglvr

God, do I relate. I went through the "withdrawal" from a codependent relationship and it was just like this. The obsession was torture, like a bunch of bees swarming in my head. I can promise you it does pass. I tried to keep as physically busy as possible and started fast walking, which helped a lot. I called people, volunteered and kept time alone in my head as minimal as possible. Just keep going ... you're doing great!!