AH coming home drom rehab
 

My AH just called to let me know he would be home on Wednesday from inpatient rehab. He has to go directly into IOPR. I am afraid. He already did the intensive outpatient rehab in November. He fooled them all. Then tested positive again and had to do inpatient rehab.
Any words of wisdom from those that have been in my shoes before? I am very afraid that he will get back into the real world and start behaving as he did before. I don't have an exit plan in place, I'm not very far on my recovery for codependency and I don't know what to expect. Any insights?

Get to alanon and worry about your own recovery. He had to want it for himself.

Work the same kind of program you'd like to see HIM work. :)

He might do really well. He might drink again. Either way, what can you do about it? So why drive yourself crazy about it? All you can do is go to AlAnon and focus on your own recovery....the way you hope he focuses on his.

I say this because I lived through 2 outpatient and 2 inpatient rehabs with my RABF before he truly got sober. I learned that whether I fretted or not....didn't have any impact on his recovery...just made ME crazy. It wasn't until I learned to "stay on my side of the street" and focus on MY recovery...ie not HIS recovery.....that I started to feel better. I didn't ask questions, didn't ask about AA/counseling, etc. It wasn't easy at first, but it was the right thing to do.

[QUOTE=. It wasn't until I learned to "stay on my side of the street" and focus on MY recovery...ie not HIS recovery.....that I started to feel better. I didn't ask questions, didn't ask about AA/counseling, etc. It wasn't easy at first, but it was the right thing to do.[/QUOTE]

Thank you for that. That is part of what I'm so afraid of. I am afraid I am so new to my program that I won't do the correct thing such as put up the boundaries I need for myself. There are just so many things I don't know about all if this yet. And I am so unhealthy, that I will worry about 13 stepping, etc while he is recovering. I just need to follow y'all's advice and work extra hard. It has been easy to distance myself and put up boundaries while he is only on the phone. But in person, I am not sure ill be able to. I am thankful for this forum to help inspire.

This ^^^.

I lived through four inpatient and 4+ outpatient programs with my STBXAH and he still doesn't have it together. The more I worked my program, the more clear it was to me that he was still giving me lip service on all the things I needed to stay in the relationship and no action was backing him up.

When they discharged him from Rehab #3, we had a joint counseling session where they laid out what his "best practice" aftercare would be: weekly solo counseling sessions, regular AA meeting participation, a sponsor, and a full time job/volunteer position. After rehab #3, I told him he could only live with me and the kids if he was doing those things. He never did all of them at the same time, or for any length of time. When he relapsed, as was his pattern, I kicked him out and changed the locks on the doors and we haven't lived together since.

For awhile I fantasized about us reuniting, and right as I was about the pull the trigger, he lost another job, and relapsed again (he thinks it's a secret), and went to rehab for the fourth time. While there, he lied about a lot of things, cut me out of his treatment process, and rallied his remaining codependents to help him maintain his addictive behavior. I filed for divorce while he was in Rehab #4.

There are a lot of people here who have a range of experiences and various approaches to hope and faith that mitigate their feelings about the addict. What I know is that I loved him, he purported to love me, but that didn't stop him from leaving me over and over again, abandoning my son/his stepson without a thought, and relying on me to raise his baby daughter while he blames me for his chronic unemployment, total lack of friendships, and ongoing rehab soap operas. I made a lot of excuses: he was such a good guy, "if only," "except," "but." I lost myself and my loves and interests in his drama. My kids missed out because all my focus was on his insanity. I'm ashamed of that.

So regardless of what he did, I had to focus on myself, why I got into a relationship with a guy who treated me like this AND STAYED, loooooong, long, long, long past leaving time. I had to make changes regarding how I meet the world's challenges. I had to change the way I saw my life and my choices. I do not attend Al-Anon, but I went to individual therapy for 2+ years and participate heavily here at SR. There are dozens of wonderful people with loads of experience here. Post frequently, cry, rant, and most importantly, be open to changing yourself. Put some of that energy that's focused on him and your worries about him back on you. Find some joy and stay there, and the ground will shift under your feet.

Thank you for that. And it definitely has helped and opened my eyes to a lot reading these posts. I was very surprised that he is being released and they did not call me for a family session. They never told me about visitation etc either. They know I exist because they called a few times early in his rehab. But after I told them about the abuse, they said they needed to talk to him about it and they never called me again. I called once to ask why they had taken ah off his medication for anti depression. They said he seemed in a good mood and didn't have a problem with it. I told them how irresponsible I felt that was. To listen to someone that is an A and has by definition alone a history of lying. I told them to try and talk to the psychiatrist here because I was not getting in the middle of that one. (Which in hindsight, I guess I actually did)
On here I keep hearing about family visitation and counseling before release. But I have gotten none of that.

For what it's worth, I only got counseling that one time. A couple of things to know is that a lot of treatment centers believe that us codies need to be cut out because the relationship is toxic. For a lot of us, I think that's true. Those centers that take a family approach, which I like but I think has its limitations, require you to be listed as an official contact.

My AH took me off his contact list when they started discussing things he didn't want me to know about, and if he thought I would share things with the counselors that he didn't want them to know.

When it comes down to it, you can't control the outcome of his rehab stay. Stop trying to sway this doctor or that, stop telling the docs how to do their jobs. Stay in your own lane. Clean up your side of the street.

Time will reveal how serious he is about getting better. You can't help him with that. You just can't. Use that time and energy and anxiety to clear the debris from your own life, so you're okay regardless of what he's doing.

xx

Florence,

I know it appears I was trying to control what doctors did. From my view point, I wasn't. I just wanted his doctor here to be able to talk with the doctors there. My ah couldn't contact the doctor here or facilitate it from in there. I just was telling them my thoughts more on a general level. But I can see what you are saying.
I have come such a far way. Before I would have called the facility and arranged a family session if they didn't call. But now I just let it go. I have not called them at all again after the doctor thing. I was just curious because I thought the family counseling was the norm.

RichardsWife, I do know that there is a great deal of difference between treatment centers. There really is no standardization. I now that this makes it difficult for you--especially since you (logically) were expecting different.

Looks like you might as well let this go, anyway. It will be one less thing for you to have to worry about.

dandylion

I agree Dandilion. I know you are right. I just would have appreciated some insight in his condition, what to expect and also someone to help me know what healthy behavior I should do so that I don't make the situation worse. He has had this time away in this bubble, learning how to be healthy. I have had to try and find sources and learn on my own to be healthy while all of life stresses are thrown at me to deal with by myself. I'm not bitter, or upset. It is what it is. But I would appreciate some guidance to help me understand all of this also. But everyone is right. This is my "stuff" and I need to worry about me and take care of me. His job took care of him and I can no longer worry about anyone or anything but my "stuff". I guess become the self centered, self absorbed, disengaged, distanced person that all codependents try and get away from.

If it's any comfort to you, there isn't much you can do to threaten his recovery, short of offering him a drink. If you keep your focus on your own recovery and let him deal with his, that's the best thing you can do to support him. Less is more when it comes to "helping" someone in early recovery.

Boundaries are for us......to be safe, serene and secure......My counselor was tough......she knew both of us/ me and xah. She said tell him to do 90 meetings in 90 days or it was done. He didn't and we were done.:gaah

RW, it is not "self-centered" or "self-absorbed" to take care of yourself. It is healthy to do so, and empowering to find the love for yourself that makes it possible.

Richardswife, I can tell you from my personal experience that the more I distanced myself from the "stuff" of the difficult alcoholic---the better I was able to function--the more clarity I had. It reduced the conflict between us and I felt less helpless and less crazy.

It is a hard concept to wrap your m ind around, at first. I think, though, that when you try it.....you will see what I mean.

dandylion