Probably not what he expected
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 47
Probably not what he expected
I haven't posted much here so far, but because I find what others share so invaluable I thought I'd share what happened at my house today.
My AH came home from work and wanted to talk about the fact that we haven't spoken to each other in 4 days, because he was giving me the silent treatment and I wasn't doing anything to re-engage him. I thought it was because I didn't say "Hi" to him the right way a couple of nights prior but it turned out to be something else, which I'll get to in a minute.
When asked what my problem was, I laid it out for him--that I've lived with the impact of alcoholism since the day I was born and now I'm done with it. (I'm giving you the short version--we used a lot more words). He gave me a whine about how I'm hurting him with my distance and coldness and I said that it's true I've my immature moments I have not been openly rude to him and he brought this problem into our lives, not me and my distance is to protect myself.
He also wanted to know what my deal was with kicking him the other night (this was the reason he wasn't talking to me). I had no idea what he was talking about. Apparently, last Wed. night I kicked him while we were in bed and claims he said, "WTF was that about?" and I ignored him. He also wanted to whine about how his leg hurt at work the next day, but I cut him off before he got too far with that and said "you've disturbed my sleep plenty, so I guess whatever, I guess we're even." (Not really--but, oh, well). I think I was either out cold and didn't know I had done it or he dreamt it and was having psychosomatic pain the next day.
He also said all the usual things, such as "I haven't done anything to hurt you." I said, "I'm sure that's what you believe", and "I love you and don't want to lose you." He asked me if l loved him and I told him I wasn't able to say right now. He admitted he has a problem (although he did not use the words "drinking problem" or "alcoholism" or anything similar to such--big surprise) and said he will quit. I just said "time will tell". He also wanted to know that if he quit drinking would everything be good between us then (he said he needed to know), to which I said I have no idea, that would only be a first step to repairing the relationship, if that is even possible. At the end of the conversation, he asked me if he could touch me (I think he was gonna go for a hug) and I said "no".
Anyway, more was said, of course, but I think I've let this get long enough and my overall feeling afterward was that as stressful and unpleasant as it was, I'm glad we had the conversation. I was proud of myself for being blunt and honest, but not mean and not getting sucked into the manipulation tactics he tried. (Although I must say he didn't try too hard--I think he can see I'm different now). I feel like I just checked a major task off my to-do list. I was waffling back and forth about whether or not to have such a conversation with him, knowing that if I did (thanks to you guys) it would be to serve what works for me, not to fix him, and I couldn't decide if it would serve me or not. Turns out it does.
My AH came home from work and wanted to talk about the fact that we haven't spoken to each other in 4 days, because he was giving me the silent treatment and I wasn't doing anything to re-engage him. I thought it was because I didn't say "Hi" to him the right way a couple of nights prior but it turned out to be something else, which I'll get to in a minute.
When asked what my problem was, I laid it out for him--that I've lived with the impact of alcoholism since the day I was born and now I'm done with it. (I'm giving you the short version--we used a lot more words). He gave me a whine about how I'm hurting him with my distance and coldness and I said that it's true I've my immature moments I have not been openly rude to him and he brought this problem into our lives, not me and my distance is to protect myself.
He also wanted to know what my deal was with kicking him the other night (this was the reason he wasn't talking to me). I had no idea what he was talking about. Apparently, last Wed. night I kicked him while we were in bed and claims he said, "WTF was that about?" and I ignored him. He also wanted to whine about how his leg hurt at work the next day, but I cut him off before he got too far with that and said "you've disturbed my sleep plenty, so I guess whatever, I guess we're even." (Not really--but, oh, well). I think I was either out cold and didn't know I had done it or he dreamt it and was having psychosomatic pain the next day.
He also said all the usual things, such as "I haven't done anything to hurt you." I said, "I'm sure that's what you believe", and "I love you and don't want to lose you." He asked me if l loved him and I told him I wasn't able to say right now. He admitted he has a problem (although he did not use the words "drinking problem" or "alcoholism" or anything similar to such--big surprise) and said he will quit. I just said "time will tell". He also wanted to know that if he quit drinking would everything be good between us then (he said he needed to know), to which I said I have no idea, that would only be a first step to repairing the relationship, if that is even possible. At the end of the conversation, he asked me if he could touch me (I think he was gonna go for a hug) and I said "no".
Anyway, more was said, of course, but I think I've let this get long enough and my overall feeling afterward was that as stressful and unpleasant as it was, I'm glad we had the conversation. I was proud of myself for being blunt and honest, but not mean and not getting sucked into the manipulation tactics he tried. (Although I must say he didn't try too hard--I think he can see I'm different now). I feel like I just checked a major task off my to-do list. I was waffling back and forth about whether or not to have such a conversation with him, knowing that if I did (thanks to you guys) it would be to serve what works for me, not to fix him, and I couldn't decide if it would serve me or not. Turns out it does.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by NWGRITS 
He's testing your boundaries. His only love is the drink, so I call shenanigans on the sappy lines to reel you back in. Good job on not engaging.
Originally Posted by NWGRITS
Btw, I just geeked out a little at your avatar. 
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Good for you for finding the courage to speak your mind. With every step forward the more you will feel empowered and the stronger you will get.
I agree, he's testing your boundaries seeing where you might give in or if he can push your guilt button.
I agree, he's testing your boundaries seeing where you might give in or if he can push your guilt button.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Québec Canada
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MrsDarcy, Wow, did we both just have the exact same conversation with our AH? Or are we actually sharing the same AH?? The only difference is my AH did not ask if he could touch me, he came straight for the hug, that was sooo awkward. He has a habit of putting me on the spot like that, sometimes in front of people, or even the kids. which I detest. So let me ask you what I've been asking myself for the longest time, what now? where do you go from there? I'm still wondering.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Originally Posted by Ripper
MrsDarcy, Wow, did we both just have the exact same conversation with our AH? Or are we actually sharing the same AH?? The only difference is my AH did not ask if he could touch me, he came straight for the hug, that was sooo awkward. He has a habit of putting me on the spot like that, sometimes in front of people, or even the kids. which I detest. So let me ask you what I've been asking myself for the longest time, what now? where do you go from there? I'm still wondering.
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