Court orders puts us at poverty level
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Your X sounds like a tool Pippi.
My thoughts: he is trying to get you to give up and send the kids back to him.
If you can't feed the kids, then he is making himself out to be the only one who will.
He is trying to starve you into giving up.
He only wants to win.
What skill do you have that you can use to make money? Are you bilingual? Could you get work as a translator or interpreter?
Could you teach English in the country where you are living or tutor students of English?
My thoughts: he is trying to get you to give up and send the kids back to him.
If you can't feed the kids, then he is making himself out to be the only one who will.
He is trying to starve you into giving up.
He only wants to win.
What skill do you have that you can use to make money? Are you bilingual? Could you get work as a translator or interpreter?
Could you teach English in the country where you are living or tutor students of English?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
Lulu,
That's exactly the words I use. He wants to starve us into going back to the US.
And he's in a fury that HE has to pay money for ME to live HERE.
Makes him look like an idiot, for once. He agreed to let us stay on so long because it gave him the freedom to do whatever he wanted while he was away from us for most of the year. And he still got to brag about his family living in Europe, becoming bilingual, etc. i, as a parent, would NEVER have agreed to letting my children live away from me. I can't go without them! His desire for freedom is what got us to this point. He made a choice. He gets to do what he wants. My choice is to prioritize raising the children in a sober, loving, stable home.
Well, I just saw my lawyer here, who reassured me that stbxah won't succeed in getting immigration to force us out, since I have a European passport.
But yes, I need to get a job NOW. I have a Master's and experience in management and teaching. I can also wait tables, type, translate...teaching English is quite possible. I have quite a few contacts I have reached out to.
It's completely uncertain. My lawyer said 'just don't crack'.
Find a job, don't crack, keep the children happy and healthy.
I am down to the basics.
I did learn that I can accept help from unemployment. And local churches.
You realize in a tough situation what is really important, you find strengths you never knew about, and you do learn to live day by day.
Thank you, lulu!
That's exactly the words I use. He wants to starve us into going back to the US.
And he's in a fury that HE has to pay money for ME to live HERE.
Makes him look like an idiot, for once. He agreed to let us stay on so long because it gave him the freedom to do whatever he wanted while he was away from us for most of the year. And he still got to brag about his family living in Europe, becoming bilingual, etc. i, as a parent, would NEVER have agreed to letting my children live away from me. I can't go without them! His desire for freedom is what got us to this point. He made a choice. He gets to do what he wants. My choice is to prioritize raising the children in a sober, loving, stable home.
Well, I just saw my lawyer here, who reassured me that stbxah won't succeed in getting immigration to force us out, since I have a European passport.
But yes, I need to get a job NOW. I have a Master's and experience in management and teaching. I can also wait tables, type, translate...teaching English is quite possible. I have quite a few contacts I have reached out to.
It's completely uncertain. My lawyer said 'just don't crack'.
Find a job, don't crack, keep the children happy and healthy.
I am down to the basics.
I did learn that I can accept help from unemployment. And local churches.
You realize in a tough situation what is really important, you find strengths you never knew about, and you do learn to live day by day.
Thank you, lulu!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Alabama
Posts: 164
Pippi, you are going through alot of the same things I went through with my first husband, and the father of my children. From my experience, listen tonYOUR gut. Bottom line, and not all lexiecat for example, most family law attorneys only care about making money the easiest and fastest least amount of work for them as possible. They are NOT living your life and have no idea what you are going through. You do what is in the best interest of you and your children. Try to hear that voice inside you. You have good instincts. I've seen that on here. The American atty is angry because if the are moves over there then her fees and being able to bill you goes out the window. Do not care if anyone gets upset with you. You are doing what is best for you and your kids.
I let my ex scare me with his threats and I stupidly gave in. Which if I had been stronger, I wouldn't be in the mess I am in with AH (second husband) I know in the states at least that no judge will allow one party to be poverty level while the other has plenty. Especially when you have the kids. The judges try and put the kids needs first. If he is threatening you, I would take that as a good sign. He is scared. He knows if this goes to court he WON'T get everything his way. The more he threatens, the more secure you should feel. Document everything in writing!!! I have gotten to the point where I don't take phone calls from my XH I only communicate in emails first and texts if I have to. But I follow up with an email. PM me if you think my experience can help you. I have gone on the county website and printed off the forms so that I can file motions myself. And I simply explain to the judge I cannot afford an atty. they usually are more lenient in protocol with that. Also, your stbxah will have to pay his attorney to write the orders etc.
you will be fine. You are intelligent and have a great education! I said it before, you are so far ahead of some of us. I know you can do this. You will surprise yourself. I know it is hard and daunting. And when it is happening to you it is difficult to be objective. Try and look at the situation as if it were happening to your friend. And give yourself the advice you would share with her.
You are doing great! Trust and have faith. I know you will get through all of this with flying colors!
I let my ex scare me with his threats and I stupidly gave in. Which if I had been stronger, I wouldn't be in the mess I am in with AH (second husband) I know in the states at least that no judge will allow one party to be poverty level while the other has plenty. Especially when you have the kids. The judges try and put the kids needs first. If he is threatening you, I would take that as a good sign. He is scared. He knows if this goes to court he WON'T get everything his way. The more he threatens, the more secure you should feel. Document everything in writing!!! I have gotten to the point where I don't take phone calls from my XH I only communicate in emails first and texts if I have to. But I follow up with an email. PM me if you think my experience can help you. I have gone on the county website and printed off the forms so that I can file motions myself. And I simply explain to the judge I cannot afford an atty. they usually are more lenient in protocol with that. Also, your stbxah will have to pay his attorney to write the orders etc.
you will be fine. You are intelligent and have a great education! I said it before, you are so far ahead of some of us. I know you can do this. You will surprise yourself. I know it is hard and daunting. And when it is happening to you it is difficult to be objective. Try and look at the situation as if it were happening to your friend. And give yourself the advice you would share with her.
You are doing great! Trust and have faith. I know you will get through all of this with flying colors!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 276
So many of us in the same boat!
I am a SAHM who hasn't worked in 17 years. I'm in the same situation, basically, as all the other moms here. I haven't left yet. I know once I start the process it will be war. I went to see a lawyer and she basically told me that my husband only has to pay support until the kids are 18. My oldest is turning 18 in a couple months. She is a senior in HS (lawyer said doesn't matter that she's still in HS he won't have to pay!) Also, the debt and expenses follow the asset. So, if you want the house to provide stability for the kids the debt and expenses are paid by the person who gets the house. I'm agreeing with the mom who said "If you gave up your career and supported your husband you get screwed." This is so true!
On the bright side, I've been looking for a job for 6 months and finally have an interview! Wish me luck.
On the bright side, I've been looking for a job for 6 months and finally have an interview! Wish me luck.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Alabama
Posts: 164
Originally Posted by Flavia2 
I am a SAHM who hasn't worked in 17 years. I'm in the same situation, basically, as all the other moms here. I haven't left yet. I know once I start the process it will be war. I went to see a lawyer and she basically told me that my husband only has to pay support until the kids are 18. My oldest is turning 18 in a couple months. She is a senior in HS (lawyer said doesn't matter that she's still in HS he won't have to pay!) Also, the debt and expenses follow the asset. So, if you want the house to provide stability for the kids the debt and expenses are paid by the person who gets the house. I'm agreeing with the mom who said "If you gave up your career and supported your husband you get screwed." This is so true!
On the bright side, I've been looking for a job for 6 months and finally have an interview! Wish me luck.
On the bright side, I've been looking for a job for 6 months and finally have an interview! Wish me luck.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
when I got divorced (in NJ 1987)....my attorney had written in that my X-husband would be responsible to support our daughter until she was emancipated (through with ALL schooling, not just until she was 18). He also agreed to pay for car insurance for her. He agreed to all of these demands during a long messy, drawn out forever divorce...he dragged it out for 3 years....the judge was thoroughly annoyed and he was ordered to pay all my attorney fees, yes he did...I refrained from leaping over the table and kissing the judge when he said that.
when we finally sold the house, he ran off with the new bedspread and took the phone too....so I couldn't call the movers......(this was before cell phones)
she just started grad school last year, but he died in 2009.
when we finally sold the house, he ran off with the new bedspread and took the phone too....so I couldn't call the movers......(this was before cell phones)
she just started grad school last year, but he died in 2009.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Actually, Fandy, in NJ divorced parents are generally required to continue to support the child until they are done with college (and sometimes even grad school). I don't know that I agree that it should be imposed in virtually all cases (after all, NON-divorced parents don't have any obligation to support a child beyond 18), but that's the rule here. I just finished paying child support this past year--I continued for several months after my youngest graduated, just because I could afford it and because their dad has been very cooperative with me when my income temporarily dropped significantly (while I was living in Colorado during my 10-minute marriage to number two).
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
The good news first: children had a great first week back in school.
I have friends helping me try to drum up a job.
My family members have been sending money to help us with food.
Stbxah sent money for school supplies and agreed to pay for kids' lessons.
The stuff I am having trouble with:
It has been 4 weeks and won't get any child support still for another week. In the meantime, the kids and I have been sending daily emails to stbxah asking for money for kids' clothes, haircuts, food, health insurance, school books, bus pass, lessons...
Half the time he ignores us. Other times he responds right away. His responses are so strange to me. HE is being so strange!!! He has given us money for school supplies and agreed to cover their phone bills and lessons.
No reply to requests for money for food, health insurance, children's eyewear, or haircuts.
But he wants to take them to the Meditteranean this fall and fly them to the US for christmas.
No one understands his behavior. He is unpredictable and selfish and reliably unreliable.
Oh, yeah. He's also an alcoholic. And thanks to the stupid judge and the stupid law and my stupid lawyers and my stupist Ah, five people are living on one-fifth of his income and until I get work we are needing to ask for money just to get through each day.
I have friends helping me try to drum up a job.
My family members have been sending money to help us with food.
Stbxah sent money for school supplies and agreed to pay for kids' lessons.
The stuff I am having trouble with:
It has been 4 weeks and won't get any child support still for another week. In the meantime, the kids and I have been sending daily emails to stbxah asking for money for kids' clothes, haircuts, food, health insurance, school books, bus pass, lessons...
Half the time he ignores us. Other times he responds right away. His responses are so strange to me. HE is being so strange!!! He has given us money for school supplies and agreed to cover their phone bills and lessons.
No reply to requests for money for food, health insurance, children's eyewear, or haircuts.
But he wants to take them to the Meditteranean this fall and fly them to the US for christmas.
No one understands his behavior. He is unpredictable and selfish and reliably unreliable.
Oh, yeah. He's also an alcoholic. And thanks to the stupid judge and the stupid law and my stupid lawyers and my stupist Ah, five people are living on one-fifth of his income and until I get work we are needing to ask for money just to get through each day.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
P.S. it has been 4 weeks since the new American temporary orders were determined and we have one week to go before the first check goes through. Stbxah knows and doesn't respond to emails explaining the situation. Since the judge made his ruling last month, stbxah emptied all joint accounts.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
I sympathize Pippi.
I too am living without child support while I'm being taken to court for shared custody.
Grrr.
I know its wrong, I know it's awful but we are the strong parents & we will get through this.
Go for all the support you can get, believe in yourself, I believe in you.
Hugs.
I too am living without child support while I'm being taken to court for shared custody.
Grrr.
I know its wrong, I know it's awful but we are the strong parents & we will get through this.
Go for all the support you can get, believe in yourself, I believe in you.
Hugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
Thank you, Rosie P!
It's the silence that hurts. It's chilling, that stbxah knows we have nothing for food, no health insurance...my boy got sick because he grew out of all his pants over the summer. It was cold on the first days of school and by Friday, he was sick.
My mother forwarded a letter I wrote to her that explained our lack of money for basics and overall financial straits. She sent it to ah's parents and brother. Brother, ( a president of a hospital, no less) wrote back that he would put a restraining order on my mother if she sent the family another email. And that she should tell me to move back with the children to the US and stop living in Europe.
In the meantime, he and his wife live in an enormous house and ignore my children's (their nieces and nephews) very existence.
Please God give me the strength to put all this aside so that I can sleep at night and wake up the next day with kindness for others and the strength and hope to go find a good job.
This week I need to be productive! Going back to unemployment, sending out resumes, fighting for my support and believing in myself!
Thank you RosieP!
It's the silence that hurts. It's chilling, that stbxah knows we have nothing for food, no health insurance...my boy got sick because he grew out of all his pants over the summer. It was cold on the first days of school and by Friday, he was sick.
My mother forwarded a letter I wrote to her that explained our lack of money for basics and overall financial straits. She sent it to ah's parents and brother. Brother, ( a president of a hospital, no less) wrote back that he would put a restraining order on my mother if she sent the family another email. And that she should tell me to move back with the children to the US and stop living in Europe.
In the meantime, he and his wife live in an enormous house and ignore my children's (their nieces and nephews) very existence.
Please God give me the strength to put all this aside so that I can sleep at night and wake up the next day with kindness for others and the strength and hope to go find a good job.
This week I need to be productive! Going back to unemployment, sending out resumes, fighting for my support and believing in myself!
Thank you RosieP!
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