How to you get to healthy when your are both sick
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Or.
Posts: 109
How to you get to healthy when your are both sick
I have such a wave of emotions going on. My husband is in rehab and I am attending AA meeting. The problem is that when I talk to him all he talks about is recovery alcoholism and what he plans on doing when he gets home ie. going to meetings therapy every day of the week after work. I don't know if there will be and us anymore. Not one time has he said anything about us or we. I feel like our relationship will not be there when he gets home. Feeling confused..
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 327
I dont mean to sound harsh...but I wish I had your problem. My boyfriend is MIA right now and out on a drunken binge. I would love it if he went to rehab but he isnt ready to quit. I am also alcoholic and have 20 days today. Count your blessings that your husband is somewhere safe and try to be there for him and if he drives you nuts with recovery talk, introduce him to some AA folks that can lend an ear for awhile. Good luck!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm not sure I understand--are you attending AA meetings for your own alcoholism, or are you attending Al-Anon meetings?
Believe me, if he doesn't do all those things he is talking about, there isn't likely to be any "us" in any event. If he does those things, and truly recovers, your relationship can be stronger than ever, though it WILL change. I wouldn't expect him to be really engaged in the relationship for several months to a year or so. If you concentrate on your own recovery, and leave him to his, your chances of eventually mending the relationship are much, much better.
Believe me, if he doesn't do all those things he is talking about, there isn't likely to be any "us" in any event. If he does those things, and truly recovers, your relationship can be stronger than ever, though it WILL change. I wouldn't expect him to be really engaged in the relationship for several months to a year or so. If you concentrate on your own recovery, and leave him to his, your chances of eventually mending the relationship are much, much better.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Gently, MTD, I would suggest that you focus on your own recovery right now and try not to worry about what will happen when...if...etc. You only have control over what you choose to do with the one precious life that's been given to you. One day at a time...and the rest will work itself out. Hang in there.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by MTD 
I have such a wave of emotions going on. My husband is in rehab and I am attending AA meeting. The problem is that when I talk to him all he talks about is recovery alcoholism and what he plans on doing when he gets home ie. going to meetings therapy every day of the week after work. I don't know if there will be and us anymore. Not one time has he said anything about us or we. I feel like our relationship will not be there when he gets home. Feeling confused..
Starting dates from RFR (Return From Rehab -- starting my shorthand, here)
Can tell you that OUR last 8 months have been a TOTAL mess.
I am doing Alanon. At this point she is . . . dunno. wtf.
I guess doing Therapy and going to AA meetings it seems when I remind her.
Everyone says expect the first 3 months to be WHACKED.
By 6 months things are supposed to be getting better.
But like I say we are at 8 months, and I plan to pull the plug if things are not in good working order by 12.
Your Mileage May Vary.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
focus on YOU - he's in rehab taking care of business....you too are going to have find your own way. meetings, meetings. quit drinking. you are no good to yourself OR him if you keep drinking and he does not.
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: california
Posts: 103
I hear ya. I always imagined RAH sobriety would make everything better. and much of it is.
I don't have to worry I will find him dead in the morning kinda thing....however, now that the panic high adrenaline period has ended and the decompression has arrived. I am seeing how alone I feel in all this....had a crappy husband for years, and still feel alone in all this.....yes it is our responsibility to get help for ourselves....but this illness is exhausting. I hear ya......stinks that I can't express a concern or emotion regarding our life without it affecting his recovery.
I don't have to worry I will find him dead in the morning kinda thing....however, now that the panic high adrenaline period has ended and the decompression has arrived. I am seeing how alone I feel in all this....had a crappy husband for years, and still feel alone in all this.....yes it is our responsibility to get help for ourselves....but this illness is exhausting. I hear ya......stinks that I can't express a concern or emotion regarding our life without it affecting his recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Originally Posted by Amber23
I hear ya......stinks that I can't express a concern or emotion regarding our life without it affecting his recovery.
And with my ABF back at Day ZERO (for the last 10 days), that year is getting farther and farther away for me. Probably slipped off the horizon, completely at this point, sadly.
Good luck to you - I always love reading about success stories - so please keep us posted.
SQ
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Me and my husband have both got 14 months of sobriety. We followed completely different paths to get this. Our sobriety is our own and not dependent on the other.
If he should relapse, I would not and vice versa.
It hasn't been an easy year and a bit, we had decades of drinking together and had what could only be described as an unhealthy codependent marriage. But we have always loved each other very much and that has pulled us through.
Marriages, relationships...well even the healthiest of them require work and commitment and that's hard to do when you need to stay focused on yourself. Hard but not impossible.
He is taking his sobriety seriously. For you to have any chance of building a future together, you need to do the same. Get well. Get sober and stay sober and who knows what will happen...
Best wishes to you x
If he should relapse, I would not and vice versa.
It hasn't been an easy year and a bit, we had decades of drinking together and had what could only be described as an unhealthy codependent marriage. But we have always loved each other very much and that has pulled us through.
Marriages, relationships...well even the healthiest of them require work and commitment and that's hard to do when you need to stay focused on yourself. Hard but not impossible.
He is taking his sobriety seriously. For you to have any chance of building a future together, you need to do the same. Get well. Get sober and stay sober and who knows what will happen...
Best wishes to you x
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