cinmarc

I am new to this site. My wife just got finished with inpatient for 30 days. We have had problems for the last several years with my control issues, as well as her spending habits. She called me controlling because I had to stop things she wanted in order to have the money and pay the bills. Regardless, she now wants a divorce, even though her counselor said to give it a year before making life decisions. I was wondering if anyone out there had similar circumstances and got back with your husband. Does anything I said seems familiar to you. We have been married for 40 yrs and I am heartbroken that she does not want to do marriage counseling or give change a chance.

Any suggestions that might help me. All her friends say make myself scarce and leave her be. She did move out and got an apartment. My lawyer said that even if I am served it still will take 6 months to a year to complete anyway. Please advise if you have anything to give me

OnawaMiniya

I haven't been in your shoes exactly but I know others here will have more experience with this than me and will be along to comment.

It's not unusual from what I understand. I can see why. It's a hard road, being with an alcoholic.

Just wanted to offer support, empathy, and say please keep coming here. It helps. So many at so many different points, so many different experiences - so much to be learned here, not to mention the support people here provide to one another.

Peace.

LexieCat

Hi, neighbor (south Camden County, here)!

Sounds like her friends are giving you good advice. See what happens--if she files for divorce, as your lawyer said, it will take some time to go through (I think NJ still has the 18-month separation rule for no-fault divorce).

Meantime, have you been to Al-Anon? I think you will find it a tremendous help.

honeypig

Welcome to SR, cinmarc. I'm so sorry to hear what's happening in your life and hope you find as much help here as I have.

I would recommend reading here as much as you can, making sure not to miss the stickied threads at the top of the page. If you can educate yourself about alcoholism, it will help you a lot in making decisions in your life.

I would also strongly recommend finding an Alanon meeting and going as soon as you can. Here's a link to a nationwide directory http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/how-to-find-a-meeting SR is full of great folks, but any online forum has its limitations; sometimes you need to physically be there w/other people who have stood in your shoes.

Here is a link within SR to let you know what to expect at Alanon. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ings-like.html

Again, I am so sorry for the pain and confusion you must be feeling right now. Wishing you some peace at some point in your day.

Summerpeach

Sorry for your pain. But look at it this way; sometimes separation is the best form of couples therapy. Time away for both of you is a good thing. Painful, but it will either make or break what is not meant to be anymore.
It's so natural to fear the unknown and when you're with someone for 40 yrs, that is all you know.
Get to Al Anon and therapy and work on you and if the marriage is meant to be, it will happen. In the meantime, the pain is great, I know and I am so sorry, but what else can you do? So all you can really do is heal yourself

hug

cinmarc

Yes, I have been going to al anon for 4 weeks now. Just getting used to it. My wife thought of divorce 3 other times, but most of our problems were magnified by her drinking. major control issue was because I nixed many things she wanted to do, but I always paid the bills and if I did not do something we would not have been able to pay them. I also hindered her independence which I was very wrong about and know. I have been working with a therapist on that for about a year. I had to go to the police because she hit me severely in the eye with a bottle and I feel that was the catalyst that reminded her if the other times she did not go through with a divorce. I love her and we just renewed our 40th anniversary vows. With all that has happened she has no interest staying married. I would give my life for her and she knows it. Every one else, our adult kids and her sister who she pushed away, she is now embracing. And me she says get away and I am divorcing you.

dandylion

cinmarc, in addition to the above suggestions---may I recommend this?--there are some excellent articles on the difficulties of early recovery for alcoholic and spouse---and, it CAN be a very difficult period for most! website: peggyferguson.marriage-family.com
It is a large site--look on the left-hand side of the home page and choose the category for the addicted family. You should find it helpful.

Alanon, I think, is a good idea--you could use a soft place to fall, right now, I imagine.

Keep posting.

dandylion

****looking at your own behaviors is essential--no matter what happens. It is not easy to recognize our own faults---but, oh, so important!!!

atalose

No can’t say I have been through what you are going through but looking in on the big picture of things from way up here in North Jersey! (hi neighbor) she is only 30 days sober and already NOT listening to her counselors, not a good sign.

She seems to still be impulsive, another, not a good sign.

Maybe it’s the way this is meant to be for you – to be out of her line of fire if she relapses.

I tend to agree with her friends, leave her be and keep yourself busy with YOU and YOUR recovery.

cinmarc

What do you mean not listening to her counselors. Is it that they say to give it a year before making life decisions? If so, that is what my therapist, my sponsor and everyone else is saying. Even the man who did the intervention to get her to go said the same thing before she got out. He said to me she still may divorce you, but we told her to give it a year, so I might want to take what she says with a grain of salt. I just talked to my attorney, who is very compassionate and he said the same thing. leave well enough alone until her attorney makes the next move.

atalose

I was refering to that statment you made. When they choose NOT to listen to the experts and instead choose to do it there way.....you have to remember that their way is what feeds the addiction. There best decisions are to drink.

She has NOT surrendered to her addiction yet.