How to approach my AH
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think when you do talk to him, share exactly what you just shared with us. Be prepared for his denial then turn and put all the blame on you. If he’s putting that much effort into hiding it, thinking he’s managing it and pulling one over on you, he’s going to be pissed he’s been found out.
Prepare yourself emotionally and like it’ been suggested, talk with an attorney to see where you stand legally.
Prepare yourself emotionally and like it’ been suggested, talk with an attorney to see where you stand legally.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 148
It helps so much talking to you all. I was talking to a friend on Saturday that kind of knows what is going on, but I felt horrible after talking to him because he was making me feel bad for being upset about "nothing"! He said "You shouldn't be upset about him drinking and lying...that is not a big deal, now if he was cheating on you and lying then you may have reason to be upset". So I really needed the reassurance from my intelligent friends that know and understand the hurt of living with addiction! I don't even know why I was talking to him about it anyway, because I have learned that the people outside the rooms of Alanon and SR just don't get it! I guess he just got me at a down moment and wanted to make me feel better, but I actually felt worse!
So again - I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart. I have grown so much since finding this site :-)
So again - I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart. I have grown so much since finding this site :-)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
you can say it as simply as i can't do this anymore. i can't live with someone who drinks to excess. and i can't spend any more time trying to make you change into someone you are not. so in the best interests of both of us....we need to split up.
But seriously Unhappy, I actually may, word for word, quote Anvil. It may be a text (sorry Lexie) or an email, because being in the same room with him is like the A sitting across from the full, tantalizing whiskey bottle, and saying, "I"m done with you!". HA!
I am so close. And I love him so. I understand your dilemma, Unhappy - hope it gives you strength and courage knowing how we all "get it"!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hillsboro OR
Posts: 25
I understand
Originally Posted by unhappyspouse
It's just so hard - I know you all know this! He is really good to me and I have given it some thought to try and live with it, but I don't like the uncertainty of who I am going to come home to - the person that I married or the buzzed person that has been drinking, hiding the cans, brushing his teeth and gargling mouthwash and getting dip in before I get home. If he would put that much effort in getting sober, we might would have a chance!
If you are not happy then change it. Dont listen to your friend. Cheating is awful yes but hes cheating you on a life you want and deserve by being the way he is now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 148
They really do get good at it. It just makes me sick to my stomach to be treated like this and have to be the one to make these changes happen when I do everything to be the best wife and companion. And you really cant blame it on the person because it isnt them doing it, its their addiction. I want to be mad, but its hard to be mad at the person when they are not the one in control, their disease is....it's SAD!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
Thank you for this thread, it really helps me as well. I am in a similar situation, wondering when to pull the plug and just how exactly to do it. Right now things are "good" less but still hiding so I am in a holding pattern so to speak with my plan ready but I know its only a matter of time till its "bad" again and I will impliment it. I am just taking it "one day at a time".
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 148
Holding Pattern is right! And I don't know why we have to wait til another incident to do something and then we don't that time either, we wait again!! Its like you are on a sinking ship that the A is attached to and you hate to bail without them. You keep holding out hoping the ship will magically fix itself :-/ ugggghhhhhhhhhh - whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
UnhappySpouse, for me the decision to leave was both easy and a surprise. It happened when I realized that the pain of staying was greater than the pain of leaving. At that point I had no choice, I had to leave.
Your friend,
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Yeah, it's different for everyone, that "Ah Ha" moment.
Something I have learned recently is to let go of being ashamed of myself for allowing the degradation of my life & dreams, the constant disappointments, the sad and lonely hours spent. That's also a vicious cycle that keeps us "suffering" in love.
Instead I am acknowledging how loyal and hopeful I am capable of being, how passionate and devoted. And wouldn't it be awesome if all that energy went out in to the world in a creative, useful way, that lifted up others? Instead of into a black hole?
Feeling for you, Unhappy. Take good care.
SQ
Something I have learned recently is to let go of being ashamed of myself for allowing the degradation of my life & dreams, the constant disappointments, the sad and lonely hours spent. That's also a vicious cycle that keeps us "suffering" in love.
Instead I am acknowledging how loyal and hopeful I am capable of being, how passionate and devoted. And wouldn't it be awesome if all that energy went out in to the world in a creative, useful way, that lifted up others? Instead of into a black hole?
Feeling for you, Unhappy. Take good care.
SQ
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 628
Take a blank sheet of paper. Draw a line vertical line dividing the page. On the left hand side list all the reasons you want to remain in this relationship, on the right hand side list all the reasons you are better off separating. If the left is heavier that the right, stay, if the right is heavier than the left, separate. Review this page on a monthly basis - add or delete entries, as long as the dilemma persists. Make preparations either way. Even if you separate does it have to be forever? if he changes or gets into recovery can you not get back together. (though I have no experience in this area and will likely depend on the person(s) and their age, situation etc.).
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