lettinggoagain

i have been in love with an alcoholic for two and a half years now. it has been a roller coaster ride from hell and i know its not over yet. i am not ready to let go. my mind and my heart havent met yet. he has said he wants to get better all along...mostly over this past year and a half when he started spiriling out of control....surrounding himself with trash...now he is in jail. i went to my first coda mtg today.....that was awesome and i am going again on tues. i am also starting counseling tomorrow....thank god.....my self esteem is so low right now...i have spent two days now waiting for him to call....after all i have done i am sitting and waiting for some guy to call me from jail....it has come to this.....its unimaginable....but it is my life right now....i love him i will do anything for him....except let my health and happiness suffer...he didnt like what i told him about how his sister was handling his stuff...even though he is lucky just to be alive right now.....he is feeling like he has no control i get it....he doesnt know i get it....he is punishing me somehow and i hate it.....i am here for him .....i didnt take his animals and i know he is mad at me for that...but my thoughts are he is lucky to be alive and the only thing he should be thinking about is him getting better in every way possible. he is 49 yrs old. he had his first problem when he was 24 when he and his friend were drunk...he decided to drive....they crashed....his friend died...he used an inheritence to bail out of that...never suffered the consequeces or the pain from losing his friend or dealing with the guilt...he never did any of that....went on to get 7 more duis and luckily didnt kill anyone else or himself.....i met him before the last two duis....i didnt know the whole truth i knew about his friend but i didnt know that he never faced that the way he should have...to learn and grow from it....so now he has those charges attached because he was let off easier i guess...i still dont understand it all and i hate that i have even been exposed to any of this......i just know that i love him and want to be his strength through what he is going to be facing. my problem is that i will never know he is ready...i hear the words from him that he is starting couseling and aa but i dont hear the part about him being ready yet....i have ignored my gut for so long but not anymore....i know he hasnt told me that hes ready yet....and i am so scared for him. i am waiting for him to try to call me again and i dont know why.....i wrote him a long letter with parts from my journal so he will understand how i feel but he isnt calling....i am so glad i am starting counseling tomorrow and plan to go to the other meetings.....but how do i stop waiting and praying for him to call?

Tuffgirl

Ok, so you really won't do everything for him. Good. Just because we love people doesn't mean we have to sink right along with them. As a matter of fact, one of the healthiest things we can do for someone is to let them go so they can figure out their own lives. And the healthiest thing we can do for ourselves is to acknowledge when we are in toxic situations and change that.

Maybe instead of focusing on your love for him, spend some time finding your love for yourself.

Good luck with counseling, keep going to meetings, read as much as you can, and understand that before you can really love another, you must love yourself.

Peace,
~T

Summerpeach

You stop waiting and praying for him to call or get better or wanting him back when you're sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Therapy and meetings a a great start, but you may need to fall a few more times before you finally get up and see there is little hope for healthy love here

Recovering2

Let go or be dragged. You can't save him, but if you let go you can save yourself.

spiderqueen

^^^THIS^^^

I am so sorry, Letting Go. I am in the middle of this pain RIGHT NOW, and understand. I understand your anguish, regret, the fact that you still love and even obsess over him in spite of his shameful, toxic behavior, maybe some guilt mixed in? am I right?? -- I really understand.

I was sick last week (nothing serious, but I really needed some TLC). I am usually NEVER sick, so it was kind of a shock. And ABF was too drunk to do one. damn. thing. to help out. I *think* I may have finally woken up.

When you wake up, you'll know.
SQ

NeedHappiness

You WILL KNOW when you've had enough of this kind of life. It took me several "tries" before I finally "got it"..... but now I DO get-it.

atalose

I am so glad you are in counseling and attending coda meetings. My hope for you is that you put as much energy into yourself and your issues as you have his.

You can’t hold on to someone who doesn’t want to be held. You can’t expect a letter about yourself and your feelings to guilt someone into calling you and begging for your forgiveness for how he has treated you. That’s fantasy land.

Reality is he’s treated you badly and you’ve gone back for more, at this point expecting him to be or do something differently is just not real – not with an alcoholic/addict.


The fact is you fell in love with an active alcoholic whether you knew it or not doesn’t really matter today does it, the damage to you is already done – no going back – no do over’s – not with this guy at least.

Unplug your phone, take the battery out and get on with your life.

lizw

Cripes! I hear you and know that pain. Have you tried focusing on what you can do for yourself and living in the present?

You could try doing something nice for yourself. Hot bath, read a good book, go see a movie, cook yourself a nice meal.

Al Anon have a book called 'when I got busy I got better'. It's very good and had a lot of practical suggestions about looking after ourselves. I am currently trying to practise some of that myself. I think it works a treat.