good day, bad day, and boundaries
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 188
good day, bad day, and boundaries
The good: My day started off well enough. When my XABF picked up our son for his visitation, I went off to the beach. To my surprise, there was a spiritual and cultural festival occurring. It was incredible to be around that positive energy! I also was given several free books on spirituality, meditation, yoga, and a free cookbook. I then made my way to the beach and practiced meditation (I am still a newbie but the results have been great so far). I made my way back home and I felt light and happy.
The bad: When my ex picked up our son for visitation in the morning, I noticed he was not driving his car, but rather an older van. I asked him why he was driving that, and he said that the tire blew out in his car so he had that. I asked who else was in the van (the windows were tinted) and he said his wife (the supervisor). I didn't actually see her since he parked a few houses down (red flag!). I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
The next red flag happened when my ex dropped off my son. This time, he parked the van directly in front of my house and I saw an older man sitting in the passenger seat. My ex said it was his wife's father, that her parents came to visit. But the windows in the van were tinted and I didn't even see his wife either in the morning or when he dropped off our son. After he dropped off our son, I texted him that from now on, I will walk our son to/from the car. (That way, I can make sure that his wife is actually there acting as the supervisor and I also would be able to see who else is in the car with them.) He texted, "Why do you say that?" I didn't respond. I felt foolish that I gave him the benefit of the doubt yet AGAIN. On top of that, I have a gut feeling that something is wrong.
More bad: My brother called me this afternoon, very upset. He said that yesterday, my mother went to the hospital and then filed a police report against my father (who is an active A) for domestic violence. Last year, my mother also filed a police report against my for domestic violence but ended up dropping the charges. My brother kept going on and on about my parents and their terrible marriage and how crazy they are and how stressed out he is. I kept asking, why are you letting other people's behavior affect you? He kept saying, "Dad should do this, mom should do that, blah blah blah." I ended up recommending Melody Beattie book and counseling and I hung up. I did some controlled breathing to calm myself down. Although I have been trying to instill into my head that "all is well today," I feel horrible about my mother and the anguish she is going through
Question about boundaries: Is it crazy-making for me to ask my XABF why he didn't just say his wife's parents were in the van with them in the first place this morning? And how can I support my mother but still practice detachment? I was doing so well this morning, and then things seemed to collapse (again).
The bad: When my ex picked up our son for visitation in the morning, I noticed he was not driving his car, but rather an older van. I asked him why he was driving that, and he said that the tire blew out in his car so he had that. I asked who else was in the van (the windows were tinted) and he said his wife (the supervisor). I didn't actually see her since he parked a few houses down (red flag!). I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
The next red flag happened when my ex dropped off my son. This time, he parked the van directly in front of my house and I saw an older man sitting in the passenger seat. My ex said it was his wife's father, that her parents came to visit. But the windows in the van were tinted and I didn't even see his wife either in the morning or when he dropped off our son. After he dropped off our son, I texted him that from now on, I will walk our son to/from the car. (That way, I can make sure that his wife is actually there acting as the supervisor and I also would be able to see who else is in the car with them.) He texted, "Why do you say that?" I didn't respond. I felt foolish that I gave him the benefit of the doubt yet AGAIN. On top of that, I have a gut feeling that something is wrong.
More bad: My brother called me this afternoon, very upset. He said that yesterday, my mother went to the hospital and then filed a police report against my father (who is an active A) for domestic violence. Last year, my mother also filed a police report against my for domestic violence but ended up dropping the charges. My brother kept going on and on about my parents and their terrible marriage and how crazy they are and how stressed out he is. I kept asking, why are you letting other people's behavior affect you? He kept saying, "Dad should do this, mom should do that, blah blah blah." I ended up recommending Melody Beattie book and counseling and I hung up. I did some controlled breathing to calm myself down. Although I have been trying to instill into my head that "all is well today," I feel horrible about my mother and the anguish she is going through
Question about boundaries: Is it crazy-making for me to ask my XABF why he didn't just say his wife's parents were in the van with them in the first place this morning? And how can I support my mother but still practice detachment? I was doing so well this morning, and then things seemed to collapse (again).
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
I don't think it's crazy at all. Obviously there is a reason visits with your son are supervised. You are looking out for his best interest. Violating the supervision, it if it is a court order can jeopardize his future visits with his son. It is completely normal to wonder who he was with and where the car came from since things are different than the norm. To me, it sounds as if you set great boundaries and stick to them, even with your parents and brother. You are doing what is needed to take care of you. Great job. In regards to your mom, Has she tried Alanon ? You may suggest she try it or read some of the positive excerpts to her if she seems interested.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I think in the future, you can insist on seeing the approved supervisor when your son's father comes to pick up your boy for visitation, but I think you are only asking for a world of drama if you try to pick apart what happened with the van and the mysterious passenger. If she wasn't there, it's too late to do anything about it and you will likely just get an earful you don't really need.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Too late to say anything about who was or wasn't in the van. Lesson learned. Next time walk out to the van, while the kids are in the house, and verify who is there. With respect to your Mom. Remember the 3 C's and don't get caught up in the drama. If your brother has an issue, it's his to work out. Suggest Alanon, then let it go.
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