jenniferaz1980

Ok guys, I am new to this whole thing. I am really not like the meetings but I keep going anyway. I was wroking on my step one last night. I read some stuff that my sponsor had given me about step one and codependency. I came to the relization that I have a problem with most people in my life. Not just my using girlfriend. I think that I can make others happy when really it is up to them to make themselves happy.

Now of couse I do it more with my girlfriend. Perfect example. She went and drank and smoked all her money away and she was upset yesterday because she did not have any money. I set her the money that I did have to make her happy. I really did not have the money to send her. But that did not matter to me I did not want her to do with out. I never thought that I am now doing with out becasue she has my money. This is just one example of many.

But now I have to go on to step two and that is the one out of all of them I dont think I can do. I am not keen on this whole higher power thing. Is there one? Yes! but do I want to reconize him No!!!! Do I want to talk to him NO!!!!!

I guess I got to keep going forward thought!

Rose56

Welcome Jen, to the gang!!! Most of us codies handle relationships in a codie way. It takes awhile to begin to think differently and then act differently. I have been coming here for 2 years and I a beginning to really get it. Working the steps is a great idea, don't rush yourself. take as long as you need for each step. The awareness in step 1 took me a long time to really feel and accept. Luckily we can handle our higher power any way we choose in Alanon. No one will tell you how to believe and what to believe. Baby steps on our own special course. Try out a few different face to face meetings, they can be very different. I have found these meetings to be very healing. take good care and keep sharing here.

larry g

jenniferaz1980,
One thing I feel I have learned----we do the best we can until we learn a different way. Keep going to the meetings, ask the wise people here on SR for help (pick the suggestions you like or feel best to you), and keep working the steps. By the time you get through all 12, I believe you will have a better understanding of your recovery.
As far as your choice of belief in a Higher Power, only you can decide that. The steps I have found to be "spiritual." Religion is a personal choice. You can choose anything that you feel comforable with as your Higher Power. Once you work Step 1 and admit your own powerlessness, it opens a world of oppertunities.
One question---do you feel better without your money? Being involved with someone in active addiction, they will take your money if you allow. Not as an afront to you personally. It is just the nature of the disease.... Did your gift of money go for food or child care, or did it allow her to continue her run?
There is no wrong in trying to do the right thing as you see it... But maybe we can learn a better way that comfortably works for us, and in the long run better helps our partners.
Keep coming back.
larry

jenniferaz1980

I gave her the money for food. I sent it to her. Right now she is in a diffrent state and finshish residental and now she is living in transitional living. She was staying clean till reciently and she said it was a one time thing. I took the blame for it because we were fighting over me not going out there. Well she has been moody becasue she is hungery. She dont like the food there.

I guess part of me did not want the money if that ment she was happy. Everytime she is not happy it make me unhappy.

I guess that is where the problem is huh.

with the god thing. I belive in a higher power I just dont want him in my life. That is what the hardest part for me will be, Growing up god was a very important part of my life. Then I grew up and becasue who I am today and it is very against what I thought god to be.

Magichappens

Something that was suggested to me was start small. If the God thing is too much, try using the meetings, literature, and your sponsor as a higher power. The main thing is to learn something different and stop depending on our twisted thinking to try to make things work. A lot of people have an idea of God that comes from our old life. It takes time to realize that our ideas about God are not healthy ones. Learning love and kindness and open mindedness from the program can help us change and grow. We can start with a clean slate and rewrite our life as long as we are willing to try something different. Don't give up. Hugs, Magic

margo

Hi Jennifer - I might be reading something into your post that isn't there, but it sounded to me like there is some kind of pressure for you to go on to step 2? There is no set time limit to doing each step, and they are not a race. The steps are a process and the time it takes each person is different. Step one is really the most important one of all - think of it like the foundation of a building: if you do not have a solid foundation, then it's possible that somewhere down the road you could run into problems. The money you sent your girlfriend may have made her happy, but it would only be a very temporary happiness, and in the meantime you are doing without. No thing that you do will make her happy, not in any real and lasting way. The fact that you sent the money to her shows that you still believe you have some kind of power where she is concerned, and you don't - you are powerless. That's what step one is all about. That, and accepting that your life has become unmanageable. It's unmanageable if you are doing without for the sake of someone else who doesn't really need what you are giving and you do, as is taking the blame for someone else's using. You're not responsible for that. By working step one really thoroughly and taking your time, you will be much better prepared to deal with these kind of situations if they come up in the future.

I myself am an addict in recovery and have also struggled with the Higher Power concept. As a recovering Catholic, it's hard to shake the early years of conditioning. My sponsor pointed out to me that the most important word in step two is came. We came to believe.... Again, it's a process that takes place over time. My sponsor also pointed out that it's important to try and stay in the particular step we are working on at any given time and not to worry about what comes next. It's a pretty good bet that by the time you've properly worked one step and are ready to go on to the next that you will be thinking and feeling quite differently from when you started. What you fear about step two may not be quite the issue that you fear it will be by the time you are ready to work it.

Remeber baby steps, Jennifer, and keep coming back!

Lorelai

Jennifer -
For me, it is weird how the steps work. While I'm in the middle of one, it seems like such a struggle. When I get through it, I look back and think, "Wow - that was easy." For me, once I had completed each step I KNEW I had completed it and could move on. I'm not trying to rush through. I think that the journey is as important as the destination.

I also had a problem with step 2 but, something that was written on this board helped me a lot. Ann said that you can "come to believe" - even a little bit. I didn't have to jump right in and believe with all my heart. I could just accept that there was a possiblity. Once I did that, other things began to fall into place.

I'm glad that you're working on you. Keep trying and give it some time.
Hugs - L

jenniferaz1980

You know I am in such a hurry to get to step two and get it over with. You guys have mad me relize that it is ok to stay on step one for a while.

I walked in to an alanon meeting think that it was going to show me how to help my partner in her recovery. Did not think that I was the one with the problem. It is just coming to me that maybe I have a problem too.

I have done the whole 12 steps in another program and since then there has been alot in my life that has changed and I have not applyed the steps in all my life. I chose to hate god and in that everything has fallen apart.

It is ok for me to start at step one and If I stay there for awhile it is ok. I will worrie about step two when I get there.

vikster

My AH tried 12-step programs in the past and, as an atheist, had a very negative reaction to all the higher power stuff and God. And the fact that he wasn't really recognizing he was an alcoholic didn't help. Now he is back in AA because he hit rock bottom and truely seems to see he is an addict. In one of his recent meetings, someone described their God as "Good Orderly Direction." To my extreme amazement that definition got through to him in a big way. He talked about having a spiritual awakening and, for the first time, the ability to think about a higher power. And that definition of God is something that rings very true to me as an agnostic.

It only goes to show that there are many ways to think about the meaning of the 12-steps. This board and meetings are important ways to hear how others have absorbed the help inherent in the steps. I am very new to this all myself and find I have a great deal of resistance to applying the 12-steps to myself. I really don't see myself as significantly flawed and in need of major reconstruction, but I recognize the need to make some changes in myself to deal with the presence of addiction in my marriage. And I consider it a major victory when I read or hear something that really gets through to me. Any bit of progress is helpful!