Please...Say a prayer for us
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Join Date: May 2013
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Oh, and it would be REALLY great if he would let people at the meeting know he will be needing rides for the foreseeable future. That can be a GREAT way to get to know people--and a nice little lesson in humility, too.
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Of course I wish you the best....
You all are still newlyweds under a year!
With this is happening, not judging,
I hope things don't get worse.
Not a good way to start a marriage.
You take care of yourself, make sure friends
and family know what's going on.
You have helped me and many with your posts!
You all are still newlyweds under a year!
With this is happening, not judging,
I hope things don't get worse.
Not a good way to start a marriage.
You take care of yourself, make sure friends
and family know what's going on.
You have helped me and many with your posts!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Originally Posted by wiscsober
Of course I wish you the best....
You all are still newlyweds under a year!
With this is happening, not judging,
I hope things don't get worse.
Not a good way to start a marriage.
You take care of yourself, make sure friends
and family know what's going on.
You have helped me and many with your posts!
You all are still newlyweds under a year!
With this is happening, not judging,
I hope things don't get worse.
Not a good way to start a marriage.
You take care of yourself, make sure friends
and family know what's going on.
You have helped me and many with your posts!
Peace.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
so - he got drunk, intentionally got behind the wheel of a car, got pulled over, blew a .13 and got arrested.
so far outside of some time in jail, what CONSEQUENCES has he had to endure?
YOU paid his bail
YOU called his job and made up an excuse.
YOU tell him to go to meetings and even hold his little hand to make sure he goes.
HE IS STILL DRINKING.
if it was your recovery, i'd say you are doing a great job...but it's not. you can't do this FOR him. you mentioned training wheels...it doesn't work like that.....
WHAT IF instead you step back and let HIM handle this? or at least observe if he has any intention of doing so. you aren't making getting sober EASIER, you are enabling him to keep drinking.
so far outside of some time in jail, what CONSEQUENCES has he had to endure?
YOU paid his bail
YOU called his job and made up an excuse.
YOU tell him to go to meetings and even hold his little hand to make sure he goes.
HE IS STILL DRINKING.
if it was your recovery, i'd say you are doing a great job...but it's not. you can't do this FOR him. you mentioned training wheels...it doesn't work like that.....
WHAT IF instead you step back and let HIM handle this? or at least observe if he has any intention of doing so. you aren't making getting sober EASIER, you are enabling him to keep drinking.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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I tend to agree with Anvil about the "no training wheels" idea. I went with my first husband to his very first meeting. He didn't start going for real until I took a break from our relationship for a few months. He got it in his head, finally, that nobody else was gonna do it for him. And he got lots of rides to/from meetings. LOL, he talks about being driven to his very first solo meeting by a coworker who kept getting lost (I think he was coked out, himself, at the time), but that friend was determined to get him there. The friend followed him into sobriety a few years later.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
so - he got drunk, intentionally got behind the wheel of a car, got pulled over, blew a .13 and got arrested.
so far outside of some time in jail, what CONSEQUENCES has he had to endure?
YOU paid his bail
YOU called his job and made up an excuse.
YOU tell him to go to meetings and even hold his little hand to make sure he goes.
HE IS STILL DRINKING.
if it was your recovery, i'd say you are doing a great job...but it's not. you can't do this FOR him. you mentioned training wheels...it doesn't work like that.....
WHAT IF instead you step back and let HIM handle this? or at least observe if he has any intention of doing so. you aren't making getting sober EASIER, you are enabling him to keep drinking.
so far outside of some time in jail, what CONSEQUENCES has he had to endure?
YOU paid his bail
YOU called his job and made up an excuse.
YOU tell him to go to meetings and even hold his little hand to make sure he goes.
HE IS STILL DRINKING.
if it was your recovery, i'd say you are doing a great job...but it's not. you can't do this FOR him. you mentioned training wheels...it doesn't work like that.....
WHAT IF instead you step back and let HIM handle this? or at least observe if he has any intention of doing so. you aren't making getting sober EASIER, you are enabling him to keep drinking.
In all honesty, if my health were not so poor, I would not have stuck around even this long. Mentally I'm no shrinking violet. Physically, I'm limited. It's incredibly hard. I made a CHOICE to be with him, and am in over my head. For sure. I moved across the country. Haven't been here long, don't have connections. I screwed up.
I'm trying to protect myself in some ways. His job depending on a clean driving record in part, and living right where he works...complicate things terribly.
I do understand this is not working.
As far as meetings, he has only been to one so far. We have even talked about me m not participating at all. He seemed receptive. Understood that my presence might not be beneficial. I worried about that before ever going. I guess I figured if I went to one, two, three meetings, at least he would have done little comfort zone until I stopped, then maybe would be comfortable enough to stay.
I do realize that there are harder things I could do to make him face things. Not an excuse, poor health does complicate my ability to get out and away. I'm also afraid to. Doesn't make it impossible. But it really does make it so much more difficult and complicated, in ways many people don't even think about, because they don't have to.
Thanks for the bonk over the head. I do appreciate the straight shooting.
Peace.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
I tend to agree with Anvil about the "no training wheels" idea. I went with my first husband to his very first meeting. He didn't start going for real until I took a break from our relationship for a few months. He got it in his head, finally, that nobody else was gonna do it for him. And he got lots of rides to/from meetings. LOL, he talks about being driven to his very first solo meeting by a coworker who kept getting lost (I think he was coked out, himself, at the time), but that friend was determined to get him there. The friend followed him into sobriety a few years later.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
How about telling him you will take him to the meeting, but it's up to him from here on. There are people at the meeting with cars who will happily give him a ride and phone numbers. Convey that bit of information, and let go of what he does with it.
Don't be shocked if he comes home drunk. Your picking him up won't forestall the inevitable if he wants to keep drinking. And that can be IT for your efforts to get him to meetings. If he blows it and then decides he wants to go again, you can tell him to call Intergroup and ask for a ride.
If he wants this, nothing will stop him. If he doesn't want it, nothing you do can make him want it.
Don't be shocked if he comes home drunk. Your picking him up won't forestall the inevitable if he wants to keep drinking. And that can be IT for your efforts to get him to meetings. If he blows it and then decides he wants to go again, you can tell him to call Intergroup and ask for a ride.
If he wants this, nothing will stop him. If he doesn't want it, nothing you do can make him want it.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
How about telling him you will take him to the meeting, but it's up to him from here on. There are people at the meeting with cars who will happily give him a ride and phone numbers. Convey that bit of information, and let go of what he does with it.
Don't be shocked if he comes home drunk. Your picking him up won't forestall the inevitable if he wants to keep drinking. And that can be IT for your efforts to get him to meetings. If he blows it and then decides he wants to go again, you can tell him to call Intergroup and ask for a ride.
If he wants this, nothing will stop him. If he doesn't want it, nothing you do can make him want it.
Don't be shocked if he comes home drunk. Your picking him up won't forestall the inevitable if he wants to keep drinking. And that can be IT for your efforts to get him to meetings. If he blows it and then decides he wants to go again, you can tell him to call Intergroup and ask for a ride.
If he wants this, nothing will stop him. If he doesn't want it, nothing you do can make him want it.
Peace.
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Oh, and encouraging him to get numbers. He knows one guy in there, he used to go to this group a time ago, before me. He gave up. That guy tried to get him to a separate meeting on another day. He will end up bonding with that guy, I can already tell, if he sticks to going that is.
Up to him. Up to him. Up to him.
Up to him. Up to him. Up to him.
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Let me just repeat that a few more times.
Up to him.
Up to him.
Up to him.
Up to him.
Up to him...
I have a lot of work to do to get away if that's what it comes to. I have to get ready for that regardless since I don't know what the future holds. I don't want to leave him because among other things I love him. But if I have to save myself, I do.
All I can do is pray that he becomes awakened. Awakened and motivated.
Up to him.
Up to him.
Up to him.
Up to him.
Up to him...
I have a lot of work to do to get away if that's what it comes to. I have to get ready for that regardless since I don't know what the future holds. I don't want to leave him because among other things I love him. But if I have to save myself, I do.
All I can do is pray that he becomes awakened. Awakened and motivated.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
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I did the same thing when my ABF was arrested on DUI-related charges. Paid bail, called work, the whole thing. I tried to get him to meetings, to rehab, to no avail.
Then I took a huge step back (granted we don't live together currently, which makes that a lot easier) and stopped saying and doing anything. Yesterday, out of the blue, he told me he signed all the paperwork for detox and outpatient rehab and is now only waiting for a bed. After six years of saving, trying, begging, and enabling, I realized the best I could do was to not do anything.
I am so sorry this is happening and I hope you can get some peace very soon!! <3
Then I took a huge step back (granted we don't live together currently, which makes that a lot easier) and stopped saying and doing anything. Yesterday, out of the blue, he told me he signed all the paperwork for detox and outpatient rehab and is now only waiting for a bed. After six years of saving, trying, begging, and enabling, I realized the best I could do was to not do anything.
I am so sorry this is happening and I hope you can get some peace very soon!! <3
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by OnawaMiniya
Let me just repeat that a few more times.
Up to him.
Up to him.
Up to him.
Up to him.
Up to him...
Up to him.
Up to him.
Up to him.
Up to him.
Up to him...
Many, if not most, of the time I wasn't even understanding that I was doing it - it was just so 2nd nature to "fix" everything & justify it because *I* was impacted by his problems. (financially, etc.)
Good luck Ona, sending you lots of strength!
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Well AH went to the store for drink. Asked me to drive him. I said no I'm not helping you with that are you insane?
Either walked or rode bike. Not far, judging from time home he probably rode bike. I didn't watch him leave.
We shall see if he decides to go to the meeting tonight, 4 hours from now.
Either walked or rode bike. Not far, judging from time home he probably rode bike. I didn't watch him leave.
We shall see if he decides to go to the meeting tonight, 4 hours from now.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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can i ask a question? what is it YOU think a meeting is going to do FOR HIM? he just left to go BUY BOOZE. we suggest to look at their actions....not their words and not our fantasies. only one of you really seems keen on meetings...and it's NOT the one currently working on a good buzz...............why not just bag the idea?
if he can ride a damn bicycle to get BOOZE he can ride a damn bicycle to go to a meeting.
you are as they say dear, p*ssing up a rope........
if he can ride a damn bicycle to get BOOZE he can ride a damn bicycle to go to a meeting.
you are as they say dear, p*ssing up a rope........
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Onawa,
I'm so sorry you are going through this.. I don't really have any advice for you except to listen to the "old-timers"..
I think I understand how complicated it is when your own well being is mixed up with his. So I can see why you called into work for him, and bailed him out, even though you knew it wouldn't help. It seems like coming up with a plan to establish your independence is of paramount importance right now.
I don't know what your health issues are but living under this stress can not be helping them.
It is time to think about YOU and what you can do to find health and peace in your life. I know you love this man but you need to love yourself more.
In the meantime, we are here for you.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.. I don't really have any advice for you except to listen to the "old-timers"
..I think I understand how complicated it is when your own well being is mixed up with his. So I can see why you called into work for him, and bailed him out, even though you knew it wouldn't help. It seems like coming up with a plan to establish your independence is of paramount importance right now.
I don't know what your health issues are but living under this stress can not be helping them.
It is time to think about YOU and what you can do to find health and peace in your life. I know you love this man but you need to love yourself more.
In the meantime, we are here for you.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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It may seem cruel, but it's time to get out of the way and leave him to his path. As long as you "monitor" him you are making it easy for him to keep drinking. What is it you think an AA meeting will do for him, when he drinks before and after? If he's not truly looking for sobriety, attending the meeting is not going to make a difference. I agree with Lexie, wouldn't bring the meeting up again. He's a grown man. He found a way to go get booze, he'll find a way to get to AA if he truly wants sobriety.
Time for you to stop focusing on him and start focusing on you. Whatever the issues are that keep you in this situation, take your energy to address those things. Find a way to detach from his behaviors. Instead of babysitting him in an AA meeting, take yourself to an AlAnon meeting. It will do a lot more to help you, which is the only thing you can do anything about.
Time for you to stop focusing on him and start focusing on you. Whatever the issues are that keep you in this situation, take your energy to address those things. Find a way to detach from his behaviors. Instead of babysitting him in an AA meeting, take yourself to an AlAnon meeting. It will do a lot more to help you, which is the only thing you can do anything about.
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