healthyagain

Does anybody feel the same? That alcohol is an unscrupulous lady (well, more of a b*tch) seducing your loved one? I was just thinking about it today, how my hubby has been actually cheating on me for a very very long time. We do not spend time together, there is no intimacy, there is no fun. He is with his lady on a Saturday night, and I am alone.

So, two weeks ago, he said he would cut drinking. He said he drank because he was bored and that he understood that he should cut. So I thought, OK. This never happened before, him deciding to cut (and I have not even mentioned anything, I gave up long time ago). And for a whole week, he managed to stay sober in front of me. Second week, supposedly, he was still cutting slowly, but I noticed that he had more than he said he would (it is just his behavior, unfortunately, I know). But I could not tell by the number of beers he had.

So yesterday, I take a look at that bottle of brandy we got for "special occasions only," and of course, he was compensating. The bottle was almost empty. This type of disappointment is difficult to describe. It is like he cheated on me, I swear.

Then, this morning, there was a big beer mug in the fridge. First it was full, then it went to half, and then it was empty. And I asked him why he had beer in the morning again. He said he did not. He said that he did not and that he had poured it out. And he was looking at me straight in the eye, lying so apparently. I called him a liar. That is all I could say.

And then you get this sharp chest pain, right through the heart. It just makes your chest crumble. And you feel so helpless against this mistress of his. You realize that he takes you for a fool.

Well, I poured the brandy out and the wine he got us for our anniversary. I poured them out because they were bought for "us," for our time spent together. It is so mind blowing. He buys it for us, and drinks it alone, when he needs to compensate. And what the hell is there for us to celebrate anyway???

I just feel like I lost my husband and my friend. And maybe I should start thinking of leaving him.

BoxinRotz

GET OUT OF MY HEAD WOMAN!

I so hear you! I feel your pain! I think of it just that way... Take a back seat to the bottle, his love.

healthyagain

And when you confront him about stuff, he starts finding bad sides of you (at the moment, mine is that I "do not wash the dishes because I do not know how." I guess beer scrubs them real good.

And no matter how many times I say i am stronger and that i will let go, and will not care...It is just so devastating, as if I am living with a total stranger.

BoxinRotz

He likes to ask me, How many times do you sweep and scrub the kitchen floor?!!! I tell him, It doesn't matter when you have 120lb Rottweiler who adores mud and leaves baby rottweilers in her wake (shed hair)! I could sweep and scrub every day and it wouldn't make a difference!

dandylion

healthyagain, when you extract a promise from an alcoholic (or accept one), you are setting yourself up for certain heartbreak. The reason being that an alcoholic can't keep those promises---even if they want to at the time they make them---because they aren't capable in the face of active addiction. The compulsion to drink is so powerful that it feels like life and death to them--this powerful compulsion will overide all other concerns when it comes on. Sobriety is the only way to put this into remission. This is why it is a disease.

The disease, the "alcoholic voice" inside their head, lies to them--they mistakenly believe the voice---and, they tell the same lie to you.

It is asking a person to do something they can't do.

dandylion

healthyagain

Nah, he won't stop. The voice of the dark A lady is way too sweet for him. There is nothing I can do to bring him back. So yea, I feel cheated on.

thislonelygirl

No doubt. They are willing to lie, sneak around, completely indulge in and hide to be with their mistress. Forget any one or thing. The most important is the drink.
Its what they run too....what they pick first and what consumes their minds.
For awhile my thoughts were its a mistress ...simple as that.
Now its hes a cheating d*** lol frustration has grown the longer the drinks been in the picture and how second me and the kids are.

KKE

It took me a little while to realise my A was an A and for some time I was convinced he was having an affair. It all made sense when I realised he was having an affair with more than one. Their names were Beer, Cider and Drugs!

It's crazy though how addiction brings out similar sneaky and deceitful behaviour to someone who's having an affair.

LifeRecovery

As someone who lived in both situations.

My behavior around the alcohol use was the same as it was when he was having an affair.

I thought it was my fault. I thought I could "make it better." I thought if I just made it all okay it would go away.

In reality the drinking AND the affair had little to do with me, but had a lot to do with him and his desire to escape reality.

It was my choice however to stay and try to make all those changes...when in reality it really was my decision at any time to say No to all the games.

I guess what I am saying is the analogy fits, but you have a choice in this...many in fact. How are you going to behave to make this situation tolerable for you?

Sueski

Yeah, what LifeRecovery said.

BeYourself1

Did you interview my ABF to obtain this statement? lol. In the past, I would take this comment personally - that I was boring, uninteresting, un-exciting, unattractive, un-everything. Just recently I have come to accept that he is absolutely correct. It has nothing to do with me. At this point, I feel that I have two options:

1. Stay and accept this type of living condition for the rest of my life.
2. Leave and create the life I want for myself.

In some ways it's very easy to choose #2. In other ways, it will be the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

I'm finding it more and more difficult to maintain a polite, caring and loving attitude toward him. In just a few days, we will be going on vacation for two weeks. Honestly, I'm really not looking forward to it

To those in a similar position, how do you keep it all together?

Flicka57

HealthyAgain:
You nailed it "Alcoholism = Cheating". They lie, that's cheating. They steal, that's cheating. They make promises they never intend to keep, that's cheating. Yours has done all of that. Mine even went to cheating the next step with affairs, porn, escorts. You are being cheated and everyone living with an active alcoholic is being cheated and that is also a form of abuse. Recognize this and start your healing for yourself and separate you from him. He cannot be your friend when he loves the alcohol more. He cannot be intimate. It so saddens those of us who still love them but we must separate & detach emotionally or this will really start to affect you. Get group support and individual support, please.

healthyagain

Here is the thing. I have noticed a change in my feelings toward him. It is not like I do not care, but I did become more self-centered, questioning my decisions (and many times I call myself stupid. I did not cause his alcoholism, but I got involved). Also, I know for a fact that his "love affair" is going to destroy us as a couple. I cannot fake my feelings. I just do not like the fact that the intimacy is gone, and I absolutely hate liars. You just should have heard and seen how he lied. Just like that. And at that moment, he became a stranger. And I was like, so what else I do not know about you? Who are you after these seven years? But before you ask that, you get this shooting pain in the chest.

We slept in separate rooms last night. I just live with him from one day to another. Some days are better, some days are very bad.

dandylion

I think, when all is said and done---one can hang in and suffer a slow destruction by a thousand cuts. Or, one can go through the short-term pain of extracting one's self from the situation and bring the suffering to an end. Short-term pain for long term gain. There is no completely painless way out. Even when the "love" has finally withered away---there is the grieving of the lost dreams and fantasies. No painless way out.....

dandylion

OnawaMiniya

Oh my. I just wrote a poem about this. I had said to him that alcohol was his mistress. Upon reading a blog where someone said something about considering alcohol to be the mistress but realizing they were the actual mistress and alcohol was the first love, I thought wow, that's true, and wrote this.

Even though you're right here
I'm so very, very lonely.
Thought the bottle was your mistress,
but in reality, it's me.

You said your vows so long ago,
till death do you two part.
So when you said those same vows to me,
I never had your heart.

My sick, sick man - so sick you are,
with golden hair so beautiful.
But it's to your golden woman
that you're most loyal and dutiful.

You'd rather taste HER on your lips,
and hold HER in your hands.
You long for her obsessively,
while I'm never in demand.

So easily you break promises to me,
but to her you're always true.
I'm left abandoned, tossed aside,
while she makes love to you.

She shares your good times and the bad -
things you'd never share with me.
You love to be alone with her,
and there's no room for me.

When I lure you to the bedroom
she is there between the sheets.
The evil b**** can't even let
my "husband" enter me.

I once was desperate for your touch,
for your kisses sweet and kind.
But I can smell her on your breath,
and see her in your eyes.

Your hands have been all over her,
but they never reach for me.
She dances round and round your tongue,
that hurls insults at me.

You two are in a private world,
but from me you're far away.
The love between you two is strong,
while you just push me away.

And so I sit right next to you,
miles and miles apart,
watching this wh*re seduce my love
without your best interests at heart.

She will kill you one day,
while I long to share our lives.
But you'll choose her over me anyway -
because without HER, you'd rather die.

It must be nice to be so wanted,
to be so very important...
To be so desired and hungered for,
that you forsake all others.

I listened like a fool
when you said you'd leave your wife.
But it was a lie, through and through -
You'll never leave her side.

You always go home to her at night.
What was I to you at all?
A temporary indiscretion?
A sleazy booty call?

And she forgives you, takes you back,
for sure knows she holds the reins.
And I am left humiliated,
lied to, and in pain.

You handle me so carelessly,
and treat me like I'm waste.
Yet you handle her so gently -
God forbid that bottle breaks!

And my heart's less important than a bottle,
for you've left it broken and bruised.
If only you cared as much for me
as you care for your REAL wife, booze.
©OnawaMiniya

endlesspatience

I was very moved by that poem. Thank you so much for posting it and please consider sharing it elsewhere on the forum as I think it would be of value to alcoholics and their partners.

healthyagain

OnawaMiniya, thank you so much for sharing your poem. You have actually covered every aspect of alcoholic adultery with it.

Sueski

OnawaMiniya!

NYCDoglvr

For active alcoholics the bottle is GOD, their higher power, the great love of their life, the only thing they need. It's just a reality check

Mightyqueen801

I laughed.

My husband was a drunk, cokehead, compulsive gambler, eventually stepped up to prescription pain meds, but mostly, he loved alcohol. But I really don't think he was a cheater.

His other woman, the love of his life, the one that came before me always, was the bar.