SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

In families, the process of scapegoating can occur. Usually one child or family member is selected. However in some families, more than one person can be placed in the role of scapegoat. There can be so much emotional and verbal abuse of the family scapegoats, that they can easily begin to feel they should have never been born. This sense of guilt at being is even greater if those who are being emotionally scapegoated are also being physically or sexually abused.

Family scapegoat who become the objects of frequent or ongoing verbal or other forms of abuse need to develop coping strategies to survive, some of which may be dysfunctional. For example, abused persons with little support and no way out may start to drink, use drugs, overeat, lie, steal, or they have memory problems and make frequent mistakes. These behaviors then become the object of criticism by the other family members and the scapegoated person may criticize himself or herself as well. The self-criticisms and the criticisms of others lead to guilt of doing, which only reinforces the scapegoat’s fundamental feeling of guilt of being.

Another important factor in such situations is the humiliation involved in being the recipient of verbal, physical or sexual abuse. The awareness that one is being used and that others have power over one’s body, emotions, thoughts erodes the integrity, which can make one feel like a thing, not a person. This vulnerability to the verbal and other forms of attack to others can create a sense of powerlessness and worthlessness that can lead to a sense that one does not deserve to live and a feeling of guilt at simply being alive.

One woman writes: "I’ve been criticized from the day I was born. My mother told me she was ashamed to have such an ugly child. My dad wasn’t happy with me either. I felt I shouldn’t have been born and never existed. I felt guilty for being alive -- for breathing, eating, sleeping, having fun, working, anything. Even today I can feel guilty about anything I do, even going to church or doing good deeds, because I feel like I shouldn’t have been born.

"To try to steal a little peace and happiness, I lied a lot about what I did and where I went. I stole money too, to feed my addiction. Of course the family caught me lying, stealing, and drinking, which only gave them more cause to hate me and criticize me. I couldn’t argue with them because, of course, it was wrong to do those things. But even if I never told another lie and was the holiest person in the world, I would still be guilty in their eyes -- guilty for being me or for just being."

" I’ve cleaned up my act somewhat. No more drinking, stealing, lying. But I slip sometimes, and when I do, I’m scared that doing just one little wrong thing will cause my family to reject me. Then I’ll be outcast. It’s like they are all watching me, waiting for me to make a mistake. I know I’m exagerrating the feeling of being watched, but it’s also true that they look, and judge me, more than they do others. I’m not imagining that they are looking and judging. They are. And they only see the bad, not the good. I can feel the negative energy coming towards me and it destroys me. I don’t even have the energy to fight back. I shrivel up. Then that makes me feel guilty for taking up room on the world, guilty for just being alive."

Aphrodite Matsakis, Ph.D.

Substitute the alcohol addiction with our co-dependency. These feelings may keep us from detaching from our A or they may still be with us after detaching from our A.

I think maybe a start would be self possitive talk. Pernell posted a topic on possitive talk. Maybe we who feel this way should start there.

<a href="http://soberrecovery.com/ubb/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=000416#000002" target="_blank">http://soberrecovery.com/ubb/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=000416#000002</a>

Any thoughts?

MG