Day 16 - backslide

Old 08-02-2013, 06:13 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, ca
Posts: 268
Day 16 - backslide

I am on day 16 of No Contact. My ex-AB has been in recovery (AA) for over a year and we were discussing reconciliation, resumed our physical relationship after a year and then he went AWOL. He resurfaced days later via email, saying that he is all confused, and well..just doesn't feel that way about me anymore. I wrote about this in much more detail in this forum, so I will cut to the chase.

I thought I could handle no contact, but it was driving me crazy that I didn't get to respond to his final email; the one that says, "He takes full responsibility" and "it's not me". Well, I already knew it wasn't me and he didn't take responsibility by doing a "F**K and Run" move. It was just brutal...one day it was intimacy and laughter and plans...then gone. So I called him today (yes, I hear the collective groan in these rooms). I basically just wanted to say, that I didn't have a problem with his deciding against reconciliation, it was the having sex, making promises and disappearing part and THEN deciding it wasn't for him. All in a few days. I had to say my piece with him listening, hearing my voice.

Could he hear or feel or understand me? Most likely he just heard "Blah blah blah" from me. He told me he loves me and is sorry for "breaking me". I told him, I am not broken and that is not how people who loves someone behaves. I just wanted him hear my voice say these words, not via email, that it was a brutal way to treat me or anyone. And I, right now, cannot forgive that.

So, I feel like I am on day 1 again. This is a set back emotionally, but it allowed me to grieve some more and to finally block him on Facebook so I can stop this maudlin mooning over his picture.

Is it normal to have these emotional setbacks? I hope I am not back at day 1, because the last 15 days have been difficult and were getting better.

Love/Hugs

Carrie
nbay2013 is offline  
Old 08-02-2013, 06:27 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
AnvilheadII's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
sweetie, this is where we have to revise our concept of CLOSURE...in theory it goes...I will say this, from my heart....he will listen, and respond, from his heart....we will be adults, shake hands and move on.

RARELY even in really good relationships do endings go quite that smoothly. we leave because it's time for us to leave....period. we no longer NEED their acknowledgement, validation or permission. WE say when WE are done.

no matter how clearly or concisely we speak, we can NEVER control what the other HEARS. today I thought for sure I heard the radio tell me not to DRINK AND VOTE. there is some off cycle election going right now. but we also have seafair going with tons of boats out on the various waters. what they SAID was....don't DRINK AND BOAT. their message clear...what I heard? not so much!
AnvilheadII is offline  
Old 08-02-2013, 07:28 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: West Coast
Posts: 24
Hey nbay, I'm sure more people who have experienced this and come out the other side will be along to respond to your post, but I wanted to say that I am currently in the middle of the same s*** (in terms of wanting closure yet being reminded again and again that he is not capable of giving me the kind of acknowledgement of his responsibility that I want) and wanted to give you my support and a hug. Don't beat yourself up for anything. Know that wherever you end up in your journey will be a better place than you are today and this is just a natural part of the process!
BoxOfRocks is offline  
Old 08-02-2013, 07:40 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
amy55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
nbay, just know that we love you, we care about you. You have family now. We'll help you back up when you fall, and we will tend to your wounds.

I do understand that you felt that you had to do that, but it is similar to trying to get empathy from a rock. Perhaps you needed that to quicken closure for yourself. I would hate to say how many times I did that.

((((((((((hugs)))))))))) we will help you through this.
amy55 is offline  
Old 08-02-2013, 07:54 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, ca
Posts: 268
Thank you Box: Yes, we are both new. I read a couple of your threads and I see you are struggling with anger/missing/love/hate all mixed up also. Yikes! This s**t is getting real.

I have a cold today and that certainly does not help. I am even betting my "slip" has something to do with being sick and feeling sorry for myself.
nbay2013 is offline  
Old 08-02-2013, 08:01 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, ca
Posts: 268
Amy: Thank you so much for your post. Ok, I am really crying now, out of gratitude and relief to just hear your words "love", "care" and "family". Thank you for that. You guys, I am so worn down; my 24 y/o daughter had a toxic reaction to a prescribed medication (prednisone) 5 months ago and had been in and out of the hospital for a couple months with seizures, mania, and psychotic behavior. She is getting better now, and hopefully will resume college in the Fall. My life has been a 24/7 intensity for a long time. I am ready for serenity. Now.
nbay2013 is offline  
Old 08-02-2013, 08:33 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, ca
Posts: 268
Originally Posted by amy55 View Post
I do understand that you felt that you had to do that, but it is similar to trying to get empathy from a rock. .

You know, I figured that after 14 months of sobriety, that he would develop empathy. I was wrong. I see many of these posts are about active drinkers; my ex-AB is sober. I guess I am supposed to be grateful for that, but the thing is, I didn't know he was an alcoholic until we split up. Same as alcoholic behavior; I just thought he was an *******/chaotic/angry/dramatic/negative mess. He drew me back, because he outed himself as an Alcoholic with promises of recovery. I was excited...there IS a reason and it CAN be fixed. Not for us. Holy ****, this stuff is complicated.
nbay2013 is offline  
Old 08-03-2013, 01:39 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 51

I hear ya!
mcaiwas is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:12 AM.