wife1020

Just came from the attorney office. I filed for separation from my husband. they should serve him Monday. Today he is supposed to start sleeping at his parents place and will take him a few days to get stuff out of our house.
I am scared yet really excited to move on with the next phase. I dont know if we will get back together. For now I am telling him that for the indefinite future I am living my life just me and the kids.
He doesn't know that he will get served.
I just keep emphasizing that he needs to live somewhere else for a few weeks to save money, get his life figured out and then look into a more permanent residence for just him. A little apartment or something. I really hope he can get his life together and not fall to a victim of this progressive disease. I would love to continue our life together and be a old happy married couple but seems like those miracle happy stories dont happen very often.

firebolt

Thinking of you - stay excited, and be PROUD of yourself - no matter his reaction! No matter what happens between you, your future just got brighter because YOU changed something that wasn't working for you!! Congrats!

lillamy

Good for you. I understand that you hope for the best for him and for a future with him, but I hope with him moving out you can focus on you and the kids and leave him to handle his own demons.

Don't worry. It gets easier.

LexieCat

Congrats on your impending freedom! I would lay off the advice to him about what he should do in terms of getting his life together. Do you think he is going to gratefully accept it, and say, "Wow, how nice of you to figure this out for me! Sounds like a great plan, I'll get right on it!"?

Not gonna happen. You just concentrate on getting YOUR life together--you will be ahead of the game whatever he decides (on his own) to do.

wife1020

He spent sunday morning trying to convince me to let him stay in the house, that he wants to work on us and that I should go to counseling. NO mention of HIM addressing alcohol issues, treatment or program ideas or anything. Just talk about working on US and marriage. But the alcohol has been the main factor for years and years. He will be shocked when I he gets served with a legal separation filing. I have made no indication its coming but I am holding my ground. I want him out of the house. He still has not left yet. He says by Wednesday. I wont serve him until after he is gone incase he gets mad.

LexieCat

Um, I'm a little confused here. You have already insisted he leave the house, and he is (supposedly) making arrangements to move. And you think the legal papers will make him mad? Unless you are in fear for your safety (and you haven't mentioned any abuse as I recall), why not simply serve him so he can see that this IS happening, and he is going to have to deal with it.

It's a legal separation, not a divorce, and he is already planning to move out. So that is a de facto separation, and all the legal document does is to protect both of you legally.

If it were me, I'd go ahead and get him served now.

Flicka57

I am just a little worried--perhaps you should plan on staying away from the house the day he is served or notify your local police. . .just in case. Sometimes some people get very upset and even the most mild of people can have a meltdown when they get served. Please be careful & good luck. . I am sure things will start to get better for you.

wife1020

I dont think he would get physical. He is not like that. The older 2 kids are away at camp this week so its just me and the 17month old. I just think it will bring on yelling and his needs to talk about it and I hate the confrontation. I feel like when he calls me out I get nervous and all my reasons and justifications disappear from my head and I just cant firmly hold my ground on my needs.
I just want a few weeks of quiet and moving on alone before we start to talk about things but he really wants to have these deep conversations every single day. Its exhausting. Especially because I feel like its still turned around and he blames me and accuses me of where we are now. He still doesnt understand how the years of his drinking and emotional abuse has really taken its toll on me.

LexieCat

Well, I will be very surprised if he is gone by the end of the week. He will keep up the talking, hoping to wear you down. Maybe I'm wrong, but I have a feeling he won't leave until it gets REAL for him.

dandylion

wife1020, entering into the "deep" conversations with him will not help you at all--and probably just confuse you and wear you down. Sounds that he is just deflecting responsibility all onto you, keeping the spotlight off the drinking issue, while fighting for all he is worth to preserve his ability to still drink. Doesn't sound like he is at the point that he will do what is necessary to become truly sober........all the deep talks in the world with y ou will not get him there.....

dandylion

wife1020

dandylion thanks for saying this! I keep telling myself I want a few weeks break. Let him see what he does with his life, will he continue to work, start saving money, focus on himself? He keeps going away from that and just wanting to work on us more and more. the more he badgers me the more I start to think I dont want to eventually work things out.
And no matter all the talks I have not heard him once to commit to staying sober. He thinks avoiding hard A will be good for him but I dont get the impression he is going to stop drinking beer or having a social drink with buddies....I know I am ready to move on just me and the kids and I hate that he keeps making me second guess myself. He keeps making me feel bad for wanting to do this.

SparkleKitty

I would suggest a different perspective on these talks...his comfort zone is being threatened. He will do whatever he can NOT to make any changes, or have any changes forced upon him, including and especially moving out. Maybe he thinks that if he can delay leaving until the older kids are back from camp, you won't *really* make him go.

If he truly does not understand how his drinking has affected your marriage, I would be surprised. It's just that until now there have been no consequences for it. An addict will fight with everything they have to keep the status quo -- and that includes keeping us too exhausted and emotionally drained to stand our ground.

The papers, on the other hand...they cannot be denied. They are physical evidence that you have had enough. Unless you fear for your physical safety, why delay having him served? He is not getting the message otherwise.

27cougar

I feel like when he calls me out I get nervous and all my reasons and justifications disappear from my head and I just cant firmly hold my ground on my needs.
.......but he really wants to have these deep conversations every single day. Its exhausting. Especially because I feel like its still turned around and he blames me and accuses me of where we are now. He still doesnt understand how the years of his drinking and emotional abuse has really taken its toll on me. [/I][/I]

Yeah me too on this one. So exhausting, don't you wish he would just go and be done with it LOL!

wife1020

Another update, its been one week. the court has still not responded to my filinfg for separation. My big kids have been camp so they are out of the house this week. My H has not moved out yet. He is stalling and multiple times has tried to talk me into just letting him stay. I have not told him yet that he will get served soon. I am desperate for the court to hurry up. I want him to get served and see how serious I am because he is not understanding me. I am loosing my will and strength to fight but I know that I want him out for now. I dont know how long and I dont know how he will do. I am a puffy eyed mess and just drained this week.

LexieCat

I would call the court and ask when they can serve him, and also ask if it would be acceptable for you to have it served through a process server, yourself. I did that when I divorced my second husband. I paid a process server to handle it.

MrsDarcy

Hang in there! You can do this !

wife1020

this is the first week of RAH living with his parents. I still end up seeing him almost every day. there have been two nights where he tried to come over for dinner and see kids and so we could talk. we have car issues to figure out and he still wants to date and try to win me back. but these times he is over we fight and I dont feel comfertable having him in the house. These were the only times I cried and got upset this week. I think this is a sign I need to be separate longer and detach more to get some distance. He wants to do a family hike this weekend and I said no, he should just take the kids. The court came back with the case# for separation and we have to each attend parenting classes! $267 each person. I didnt know about this. I cant afford this. I wonder if I made a mistake filing with the court but I know that I want to be apart but he is all I have known for 13 years now. This is hard.

keeper7

Not sure how it works in your state but in both states I have lived serving him is your responsibility whether you take the paperwork to the sheriff office and pay them to serve him or have a friend do it for free you have to get someone to do it, the courts don't just serve him. You may want to talk to a legal aid and make sure what needs to happen.

On a separate of note good for you! I am in a very simular situation but have already served him and have my first court date next week. I will pass on to you what I have been told over and over and has been true for me...He will say whatever he thinks will get him back in your home, so be ready for those overwhelming never ending conversations. I have had to get a court order for suppervised parenting time dependant on clean u/a's. I have made the choice to set boundries on phone time, txting ect. I have to watch that I don't burn up my day dealing with him and not being a parent to my kids. I did things a little differently and moved out and did not tell him where the kids and I lived for over 6weeks not because I was scared of him but because I needed the break from his emotional draining and I needed to take care of stuff to get the kids and me stabble. Once I got the move and finances taken care of and the older kids and I in therapy then I started to let him back in a little at a time. My priority is me and my kids and whatever keeps them safe and stable, which also means a stable mommy who is not always to stressed out with life to be a mom. For me that means letting go of having a perfect home and just hanging out with my kids. It means jumping in the car and running to the store just because we deside to we need a frisbee to play with right now. I have had to be mom and dad for a long time thats not changing, what changed for me was how much time and energy I burned on his drama and his problems. I can be a good mom, no matter what he desides to do or not to do.
Hope thats helps some you are welcome to message me. Hugs! If your a reader I totally recommend the boundry books by Cloud and Townsend.

keeper7

Do you have any income separate of him? If not you may qualify for assistance with or a full forgiving of court and parenting class costs. Mine when from over $100 to $10 when I filed the low income paperwork. I know it's hard to jump through someone elses loops but for me it is more then worth it as it protects me from his crazy spending habits and it gives me a set amount of money a month in childsupport so I can budget and keep my kids stable, before he never gave me gas money and we lived very rural so the kids and I never left the house. I am talking 6-8weeks without seeing another human being. You made a choice to set boundaries don't be to quick to pull them back just because you are asked to do a little work and sacrifice a little $. Safe stable boundaries are worth it in the long run. Just my $.02!

Hugs!

keeper7

Sorry about extra words and spelling. Mistakes typing on my phone and can't reread my phone goes nuts when I try to scroll after typing something. Crazy thing!