bigsombrero

You all have some really good advice here, and I was wondering if this post fits into something you could help me with.

I'm a recovering alcoholic. My cousin is getting married in two days. My father lives across the country and is flying in for the wedding. His ONE JOB was to take his mother (my grandmother who is suffering from dementia) to get her hair done tomorrow. He was asked to please just help out, because his sister is the mother of the bride and does not need to worry about this damn hair appointment. It's a small, simple request. And he agreed to do it.

And he's not coming. He begged off, last minute, saying he needs to take a later flight. So now....I will be taking her. I have my own battles to fight this weekend - it's my first sober "family event" since I got clean last year.

FYI my grandma recently starting spiraling into dementia, and my father has not seen or talked to her since. About a month ago she took a bad fall, and has not been the same. My dad has always been very afraid of her, and he has completely avoided seeing her in any way since she's transitioned into "crazy mode" - she can be quite venemous and very rude, and I know she has become worse recently.

Now he's thrown me under the bus and that hurricane will be directed at me tomorrow. I could not say no to this request because I love my aunt and cousin and I can't put them into a bad spot the day before the wedding. #$@(#%$*

This is not the first time my dad has ran and hid when someone needs him. He really hurts people when he does this. How can I make it clear to him that this kind of behavior is NOT OKAY? And he is also already playing the "victim" here in the whole thing. He is acting like this whole flight delay is going to cost him money and his car rental is going to be screwed up, etc. Boo-hoo. Grr....he could have easily gotten here tonight and done his job tomorrow. He chose not to.

Impurrfect

Wow, that's a lot to deal with!!

My dad is a raging codie and control freak. Oh, and I live with him and my A stepmom. He really likes his "victim mode".

It's taken me YEARS and a lot of time on the F&F forums to almost get to a point where I realize I can't change him.

It's hard, as I do love him and he stuck by me through the addiction phase.

However, that was years ago. Now? I need to do what is best for me.

FWIW, I work as a caregiver for people with dementia and alzheimers and it's not easy I'm blessed to have family support from the families.

My best advice is to not count on him. It doesn't sound like he's up to fulfilling what he should do.

For me? I had to learn to have no expectations, therefore I wouldn't be disappointed. It's hard, I admit, and I do slip back into codie mode on his behalf, but it's rarer than it used to be.

I think if you do the best you can do? It's all good. Doesn't mean it won't cause bad feelings, but we know how to get through those.

Have a good time, enjoy the wedding. You can't change/cure your dad...neither can I (though I've darned sure tried for years until it nearly drove me crazy).

Big hugs and prayers to you!!

Amy

LexieCat

Seems to me that this wedding, and your Dad's behavior isn't what will pose a challenge to your new sobriety so much as it is your resentment about it. You mentioned he's "always been very afraid of her" and that she currently is nasty and ruder than usual. So possibly a little compassion for him is in order. Granted, he should not have agreed and then backed out, but maybe he simply can't deal with it.

So I would work REAL hard at letting go of that anger and focusing your energy on this OPPORTUNITY to be of service to your cousin, your aunt, and your grandmother. It's all in the mental attitude. Think of this not as a burden being placed on you, but a gift that you are giving them.

Hugs, if you work on the attitude, this can be a wonderful occasion for you.

bigsombrero

"So I would work REAL hard at letting go of that anger and focusing your energy on this OPPORTUNITY to be of service to your cousin, your aunt, and your grandmother."

"I think if you do the best you can do? It's all good. Doesn't mean it won't cause bad feelings, but we know how to get through those."

Thanks guys. This is really all I needed - sorry to be such a ninny when other people have real problems here! You're both right, I was just in a bit of a tizzy last night and had to vent.

I will enjoy the event, help out, and get over it! Have a great weekend guys.

LexieCat

Attaboy.

Post back and let us know how the wedding went!

Florence

I have some toxic family members (MOM), so when family stuff is going on, I try to concentrate on having a relationship with the rest of my family NO MATTER how the toxic people flail, vent, rant, and misbehave. I have a right to a relationship with my family as I want it. So do you.