Would you ever date an RA
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, ca
Posts: 268
Would you ever date an RA
All of us here have suffered either from alcoholism or from someone with alcoholism (or both). My ex-AB has been sober for a year, and frankly, he seems like emotionally he is still headed in the wrong direction.
So, my question is, seeing how huge the problem of addiction is, would you ever choose to date a recovering addict/alcoholic. I ask this, because addicts/alcoholics are people too and I assume want a healthy relationship like everyone does. Frankly, they scare me. I see on the dating sites, men who "Don't Drink" and I say, "OMG, an alcoholic in recovery, run!!". I see some who are posing with steins of beer and I feel anxiety because the last five years of dating an alcoholic has kind of traumatized me. I have always enjoyed wine, and especially champagne, and I just can't drink right now because of the associations.
Curious,
Carrie
So, my question is, seeing how huge the problem of addiction is, would you ever choose to date a recovering addict/alcoholic. I ask this, because addicts/alcoholics are people too and I assume want a healthy relationship like everyone does. Frankly, they scare me. I see on the dating sites, men who "Don't Drink" and I say, "OMG, an alcoholic in recovery, run!!". I see some who are posing with steins of beer and I feel anxiety because the last five years of dating an alcoholic has kind of traumatized me. I have always enjoyed wine, and especially champagne, and I just can't drink right now because of the associations.
Curious,
Carrie
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I AM an RA, have three XABF's and my first thought is "no, I wouldn't".
However, I have over 6 years in recovery, and I would hate for someone to judge me by my past.
I think it all boils down to "actions speak louder than words". I WORK my recovery. I am grateful for what my addiction has taught me. My actions speak loud and clear.
Yes, I could relapse at any time. I do everything I can to make sure that doesn't happen
I would take it slow...see if the actions meet up with the words.
Every relationship comes with doubts. Will he have a heart attack? A stroke? Will he relapse? We don't know.
My best advice (as an also recovering codie) is to do what is best for you.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
However, I have over 6 years in recovery, and I would hate for someone to judge me by my past.
I think it all boils down to "actions speak louder than words". I WORK my recovery. I am grateful for what my addiction has taught me. My actions speak loud and clear.
Yes, I could relapse at any time. I do everything I can to make sure that doesn't happen
I would take it slow...see if the actions meet up with the words.
Every relationship comes with doubts. Will he have a heart attack? A stroke? Will he relapse? We don't know.
My best advice (as an also recovering codie) is to do what is best for you.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
No. This question comes up here quite often. The reason I resolutely say no is not because there aren't RAs who become amazing people. I know there are. There are several on this board, who are "double winners." There are many RAs who are good friends and make good spouses. Spouses to someone else.
The reason I would not date an RA is because of me. I know that I would never ever in a million years be able to relax and be comfortable that an RA will stay in recovery. I would live with constant dread and expecting the other shoe to drop. Heck, it's hard enough for me to trust a completely trustworthy guy I've known for 30 years and who consumes about four beers a year. With an RA, I would be a wreck and the relationship would be a disaster.
So it's not a judgement about RAs but a self-awareness that makes me say no.
The reason I would not date an RA is because of me. I know that I would never ever in a million years be able to relax and be comfortable that an RA will stay in recovery. I would live with constant dread and expecting the other shoe to drop. Heck, it's hard enough for me to trust a completely trustworthy guy I've known for 30 years and who consumes about four beers a year. With an RA, I would be a wreck and the relationship would be a disaster.
So it's not a judgement about RAs but a self-awareness that makes me say no.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Edmonton
Posts: 10
Hello nbay 2013,
Now that I know what it's like dating an alcoholic, I'd have to say no. Being "traumatized"
is probably the best way to put it. Yes, they're people too and deserve all the happiness but personally I couldn't do it to myself again.
I found that I suppressed a lot of the pain I had felt from the relationship. He said a lot of terrible things to me when he was drinking and often wouldn't remember saying them the next day. I don't think he ever understood how much it hurt me and when we broke up, I was overrun by emotion. The pain took over my mind body and soul...
I think it depends on the individuals...like maybe if I were able to find more balance in that I wasn't constantly putting him before me and if he were open about his drinking/feelings. It takes effort from both sides for sure, and with my ex and I, it felt like I was the only one trying.
Never again though...nu-uh
Now that I know what it's like dating an alcoholic, I'd have to say no. Being "traumatized"
is probably the best way to put it. Yes, they're people too and deserve all the happiness but personally I couldn't do it to myself again.
I found that I suppressed a lot of the pain I had felt from the relationship. He said a lot of terrible things to me when he was drinking and often wouldn't remember saying them the next day. I don't think he ever understood how much it hurt me and when we broke up, I was overrun by emotion. The pain took over my mind body and soul...
I think it depends on the individuals...like maybe if I were able to find more balance in that I wasn't constantly putting him before me and if he were open about his drinking/feelings. It takes effort from both sides for sure, and with my ex and I, it felt like I was the only one trying.
Never again though...nu-uh
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
I'm married, but I've been in a situation where another person drinking (not necessarily to the point of excess, but enough) bothered me. I was not in a place where I was anywhere near recovery myself, so I spazzed out a lot inside over the drinks. Now? Still no, since I'm definitely not far enough into my recoveryto deal with it. I think that if I were in recovery for a decent length of time and they had been working their program for a few years, then it could be different. My ability to trust myself and my program may give me a different perspective. But right now? I'd go batsh*t crazy around an RA. Not good for either of us!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
This question comes up every so often. I'm always surprised that no one mentions the unsaid option.....if you don't date an RA, you may wind up dating an active 'A'......they can be very sneaky hiding their addiction early in a relationship, and then, there you are.....paired with someone you'd never pick on purpose.........just something to think about.
(o:
NoelleR
(o:
NoelleR
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'd date someone with solid recovery sooner than someone who likes wine with dinner every night, a cold beer on a hot day, a few drinks at a party. That's because the drinking would be around me quite a bit, and it isn't something I would choose to live with--however harmless and responsible their drinking is.
I suspect if I ever do get into a relationship again, it will be with someone I've met in the rooms. You actually get a pretty good sense of who seems to have a good emotional balance by listening to shares and chatting after the meetings.
That said, I wouldn't do it with someone with less than FIVE years. Preferably ten, but I could see five if I was feeling really good about them.
I suspect if I ever do get into a relationship again, it will be with someone I've met in the rooms. You actually get a pretty good sense of who seems to have a good emotional balance by listening to shares and chatting after the meetings.
That said, I wouldn't do it with someone with less than FIVE years. Preferably ten, but I could see five if I was feeling really good about them.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
I'd date someone with solid recovery sooner than someone who likes wine with dinner every night, a cold beer on a hot day, a few drinks at a party. That's because the drinking would be around me quite a bit, and it isn't something I would choose to live with--however harmless and responsible their drinking is.
I suspect if I ever do get into a relationship again, it will be with someone I've met in the rooms. You actually get a pretty good sense of who seems to have a good emotional balance by listening to shares and chatting after the meetings.
That said, I wouldn't do it with someone with less than FIVE years. Preferably ten, but I could see five if I was feeling really good about them.
I suspect if I ever do get into a relationship again, it will be with someone I've met in the rooms. You actually get a pretty good sense of who seems to have a good emotional balance by listening to shares and chatting after the meetings.
That said, I wouldn't do it with someone with less than FIVE years. Preferably ten, but I could see five if I was feeling really good about them.
It's a good thing we are happy single because I am 100% with you on using extreme caution and judgment when it comes to the opposite sex and alcohol... knowing I am addicted to alcoholics I would be surprised if someone I had a huge attraction to Wasn't a closet drinker and undercover alkie.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by LexieCat
I'd date someone with solid recovery sooner than someone who likes wine with dinner every night, a cold beer on a hot day, a few drinks at a party. That's because the drinking would be around me quite a bit, and it isn't something I would choose to live with--however harmless and responsible their drinking is.
I suspect if I ever do get into a relationship again, it will be with someone I've met in the rooms. You actually get a pretty good sense of who seems to have a good emotional balance by listening to shares and chatting after the meetings.
That said, I wouldn't do it with someone with less than FIVE years. Preferably ten, but I could see five if I was feeling really good about them.
I suspect if I ever do get into a relationship again, it will be with someone I've met in the rooms. You actually get a pretty good sense of who seems to have a good emotional balance by listening to shares and chatting after the meetings.
That said, I wouldn't do it with someone with less than FIVE years. Preferably ten, but I could see five if I was feeling really good about them.
Me, I would never date a RA - EVER! Not that there aren't good ones and true RA's out there, I just know that I would never feel at ease with them. My issue? Probably, but it's my issues that I have to live with 'til they stick me in the hole.
With that being said - heck, I can't date anyone now because I'm still curently married! So, I gues you're off the hook, Lexie!
C-OH Dad
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Heh, yeah, that's one of the advantages of being happily single. I can afford to be picky in the extreme. 
To COD, dang!! Your availability is what I've been hanging around for. But now that I know you like your responsible drinks, *sigh* I will just have to keep scoping out the rooms.
To COD, dang!! Your availability is what I've been hanging around for. But now that I know you like your responsible drinks, *sigh* I will just have to keep scoping out the rooms.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: toronto ontario
Posts: 185
My answer to your question is a big NO. I'd never had any real contact with an alcoholic til about 18 mos. ago when I met a guy who is into music like I am. I'm happily married, this was not a search for a date or relationship. I didnt know at first that he was an alcoholic but he revealed his personality and all it's accompanying warts pretty fast, and I had no idea how to deal with it. He claimed to want a girlfriend but did nothing towards finding one. Maybe he knew most girls dont want a drunk for a boyfriend? I think most women would be turned off by him really quickly. I dont think an alcoholic makes a good partner in any capacity. I have now gone no contact with this fellow, his alcoholism chased me away.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 329
No way! However, I have known plenty of wonderful people that have been sober and in sucessful recovery for years. I would be very fearful because like many my experience was/is way to painful. I tend to get myself into things and difficult to pull myself out! I guess it's not so much about the other person as it is protecting/fear for myself!
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I've learned to never say never, because life has a way of kicking me in the butt to remind me of what I really have power over!
That said, I would prefer COH's description...someone who does enjoy a cocktail on occasion, or a beer on a hot day, because I do. But an alcoholic? I find it very doubtful in my life that I'd feel comfortable with it, having been down that road already.
I think I've had enough of the chaos that comes with out-of-control addicts so the desire to do it again is nonexistent, no matter how nice, stable, or emotionally mature the person may be
That said, I would prefer COH's description...someone who does enjoy a cocktail on occasion, or a beer on a hot day, because I do. But an alcoholic? I find it very doubtful in my life that I'd feel comfortable with it, having been down that road already.
I think I've had enough of the chaos that comes with out-of-control addicts so the desire to do it again is nonexistent, no matter how nice, stable, or emotionally mature the person may be
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
I'll have a cocktail or two and would like to enjoy that again with a partner. Not that I don't appreciate/applaud/respect long term recovery, heck I'm 28 years clean myself so I know it can be done. My problem with dating a recovering (or recovered) person is all in my own head. My scars are too deep. I would do the future trip freak out if my date were to have a third or fourth drink over the course of an evening. I doubt that will ever go away. Too bad cuz some of the coolest women I know have a ton of recovery. Damnit.
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