nbay2013

Jazzman: "Future trip" I like that.

atalose

Based on my own personal experience, NO I would not date someone in recovery. No matter how many years they have clean/sober I don’t ever wish to travel down that road again.

AlcoholicLove

Never again.

Funny thing with me is, I have NEVER seen him take a drink.
He has told me I have seen him drunk, but I never knew it until he told me.
I have never seen him act the way I have read on here that many alcoholics do.

The longest sober time he had was 5 years and that was a few years ago.
He now goes 1 or 1.5 years and then relapses and starts all over. He had 1 year in March, and the signs are there that he might be on the verge again.....

I just cant put up with the routine, he will be with me constantly for 4-5 months, then pulls the disappearing act.

Never again....

NYCDoglvr

I'm a recovering alcoholic (21+ years) and had a very screwed up relationship with another recovering alcoholic. It was the worst relationship of my life. and I will never repeat the experience, even if he's channeling Bill Wilson. Conversely things go great when I'm with non-alcoholics (my closest friends aren't alcoholics either).

tootsl1

If anything happened to my wonderful supportive husband and I was left alone at 50, I'd hate to believe that there would be no one out there willing to give my loving heart a chance

Carlotta

My answer is no. I am an alcoholic and I have seen too many people relapsing even after years of sobriety. I have also gone through the hell of living with a physically abusive alcoholic/chronic relapser. Never again!
As a double winner who also grew up in an alcoholic household I have come a long way and it took me a lot of work to be where I am at today sober and able to have healthy relationships with people. I cannot afford to jeopardize my sobriety or go back to square one when it comes to my codependency.
Right now I am happily single and loving it, I am in no rush to get into another relationship and if I meet someone interesting I will be careful and take it slowly. I am content and at peace with myself why risk rocking the boat and add some unnecessary drama to my life?

m1k3

I am quite content being mono-sexual.

I even have my dating add ready for whenever I decide to go through with the divorce.

SWM like running, sports, martial arts and video games looking for a nice lady to leave him alone.

lillamy

toots -- I don't think there's no one out there who would be willing to give you a chance. But you wouldn't want to date me or a guy who's like me because I would be a total PITA for you non-stop. If you came home later than you said, I'd be "WHERE WERE YOU??" waving the rolling pin over your head. If we went to a party where alcohol was served I would NOT be fun or entertaining, I would be SUPERVISING you the entire friggin evening. I'd be hissing at you if I saw you in the vicinity of a beer bottle. I would be crying sometimes for no reason because I'd be so afraid that you'd start drinking again.

So see none of that is really about YOU. It's about ME. And just like my partner, who was married to a woman with anger management problems, has chosen to this time team up with a woman who gets really angry about once every five years, I've chosen to date a guy who drinks even less often than I do.

I don't judge RAs. In fact, I'm in awe of all the recovering addicts out there, regardless of DOC. You guys rock the casbah. Seriously. I'll be your best friend but I wouldn't marry you. Not because of who you are, but because of who I am.

LexieCat

Wow, that was so TACTFULLY explained, lillamy! I honestly wouldn't blame anyone for thinking twice about getting involved with a recovered alcoholic. It's sort of a mixed deal. On the one hand, you already would KNOW about the fact that there is an issue--and also know that the person is someone who is serious about living the right kind of life (assuming the person is active in AA and practices the principles). Yet, once burned, ten times shy when it comes to knowing how awful and destructive alcoholism can be if there's a relapse. It would be in my mind too, I think, but I also believe I might be a little better at judging how solid someone's recovery really is than a non-alcoholic would be.

I once had a friend who was in OA who used to hit AA meetings now and then specifically to meet men. Her theory was that it was the one place where you could find a guy serious about working on himself to be a better person. I don't know that I'd recommend AA as a place to pick people up, but just goes to show not everyone is put off by it.

24Years

No; I know there are no guarantees but knowing what I know now it won't happen...ever. Life is too short.

DesertEyes

I did that. I dated a lovely RA who had 23 years at the time. We lived together for 5 years. She never drank or drugged, never gave me any indication that she wanted to.

Turns out she has a bad case of bulemia. She is in the program of OA... sometimes. She keeps in touch with her OA sponsor and medical team.... ocasionally. Every so often she'd loose track of her OA program, quit eating, and a couple days later she is so strung out, exhausted and angry that she would explode and physically attack some innocent passer-by.

Had nothing to do with alcohol. She has more than one addiction. I was _so_ focused on the alcohol I wasn't looking for anything else.

The problem wasn't her. The problem was me, I did not see any red flags for alcohol so I thought there were no red flags at all.

I have dated... a little bit. I am in no hurry. If I meet somebody that rocks my world _and_ has no flags then maybe.

Mike

lillamy

Well... There never are guarantees. Ever. And I guess you take a chance very time you get into a relationship. You never know. So I guess you'll just have to choose where you're willing to take chances.

The man I'm dating was involved for a long time with a woman suffering from anorexia. It still affects him 20 years later. If I say "I really should lose weight so I can start running again" he gets concerned. Sometimes he'll call to make sure I've had lunch. He cooks for me all the time. It's a big fear for him (although if you had met me, you'd know quite how absurd it is to think of me on this same day you think of anorexia). But it's there with him, a constant worry. He has said that if he did see signs if anorexia in me, he would have a hard time handling it. I have no problem with it because I don't have the problem he's worried about. But if I did have anorexia, dating him would be incredibly annoying. I think it's a parallel with me and alcoholism. I'm so afraid of it I would make the life of an RA pretty miserable.

Although I do understand the looking in the rooms for a partner. I mean, not to perpetuate the idea that AA is religious but... If you're a Codie dating someone in AA (someone in recovery) you have the same goals and frame of reference - it's a bit like dating someone of the same faith, no?

Mightyqueen801

I personally would not. I don't care if he had been in recovery for 30 years. I "KNOW" he would drink again, and I would always have that in the back of my head, waiting for that day to come.

I also have issues, some of which might admittedly be in my own head, about the AA mindset. I know that it's not supposed to be "I simply have a disease, so nothing I do/did to you is my fault", but I'm afraid that too often that's how it comes across from people in recovery. Or perhaps it's just that to people in recovery, their alcoholism is STILL their number one concern, and I STILL could never be first in a recovering alcoholic's life.

And as others on here have said, it would be too easy for ME to slip back into old ways. I don't want to be that person again.

I do wish all those in recovery continued sobriety, health, and happiness, and I could (and am) be friends with RAs. But never ever again would I take that risk and get too close to someone with an addiction. Too much damage, too much trauma, as someone else pointed out.

DesertEyes

Yup. How about a codie dating a codie? That's sounds a little more workable to me... and just think of how _clean_ the apartment would be.

Mike

Carlotta

Or a double winner dating a double winner?
Best case scenario they both know the pain of seeing a loved one kill themselves under their eyes so they work extra hard at staying sober or....
they just take turns relapsing and acting the crazy codie:
ok whose turn is it to be the codie this month? Hey you were drunk two months in a row, it's not fair...your turn to be codependent.

Aeryn

The answer for me is no too. I'm freshly legally separated from my AH (what's the acronym for that SAH? still XAH? even though it's separation not divorce?....I'm digressing).....so I was saying I'm legally separated but we've been physically separated for over a year and a few months ago I met someone - a recovering A. I was very attracted to him and he was over 2 years sober so against my better judgement (my inner self was having doubts from the beginning) I gave it a shot. Well a few months in he told me he wasn't sure if this was the right time and that he wasn't sure he was "ready" to date an Alanon - mind you I was over a year in Alanon and the legal process was underway...he wanted me to wait around for him and contact him in 6 months to "see" if he was ready then.

Well you know what? The old me would have waited around for some guy on his terms....the new me decided I was worth more than waiting around for some guy. If he didn't want me the way I was when I was available he didn't want me and it was his loss....plus I had already taken a risk in that I wasn't sure about dating him in the first place since he was an RA. So I told him as much...the old me would never have done that. I was nice enough about it but simply told him it wasn't going to work out for ME and that he wasn't right for ME.

I do not think any RA is right for me because as you see from above I'm just ready to run the minute they make a tiny mistake with me....now if I normie had done that would I have reacted the same? Maybe....I'm not sure.

Anyway as lilamy said it's ME, this is not a swipe at RAs, it's just for ME it is not a good pairing in a relationship. I know plenty of great RAs and I know there are great people out there for them, just not me.

LexieCat

And then they can join the double losers' club!

LOL, this thread sorta reminds me of those old lines about "Some of my BEST FRIENDS are (black, jewish, gay, fill-in-the-blank), I just wouldn't want my daughter to MARRY one."

Tuffgirl

I'm with Lillamy, except for an entirely different reason. I won't hover or worry and fret. But at the slightest indication of a problem - potential or overt - I am OUTTA there.

Why put someone through that kind of insecurity?

choublak

Why does everybody seem to think if you don't drink you must be an alcoholic in recovery or an evangelist? Can't someone just not care for alcohol?

Hammer

hmmm, let me see how to put this . . .


OH NO! HELL NO!


although I did see a cute drunk chick the other day . . . . .


[Hammer smacks Hammer upside the head with a Big Hammer]


That's better! Where was I? Oh yeah.



OH NO! HELL NO!