Im giving up.....
 

A little back story, My AGF got a dui in april, went to 30 days of rehab in may, got out and was sober for 1 week, got drunk for a week, detoxed for a few days drank again etc etc. She has stopped going to AA, nothing in her life has changed since before rehab, except she now has more fancy words to throw around. I went to family week in rehab, drove to tennessee every weekend to visit, took care of her dog, house etc. When she was in rehab she was so clear and focused on what she wanted, but once out she went right back into her old habits.

I have been working al anon and my co dependant stuff but i am at my wits end. I wanted to hang in there with her and make a future. She is always saying "i love you", "i need you", i want to be your wife" etc. But she is still drinking daily, lying to me and disappearing for hours on end. Last week she stayed at her parents house for a few days and told me she had a terrible headache her face was going numb while she was detoxing.

I have been trying to detach and not doing that good of a job, but last night she comes over to my house and of course is drunk and passes out on my couch, another fun night in. I realize that she has been sneaking off at lunch drinking with another man and lying to me about all of it. I am not ok with my gf going out drinking with a guy and then lying about it and trying to make it my fault. She also told me that all of her problems were because of me??? The amount of lying is ridiculous.

I wanted to be that guy that hung in there and we made it out as a couple, but that is impossible. I dont trust her, i dont trust her around my children, i dont trust her around her own children. She was suicidal a few weeks ago and put a gun in her mouth. I have to get out and have made that decision today. I deserve to have some peace in my life, i cant keep living like this. All of this crap has really made me feel bad about myself as a man.

Sorry for the long rant but lesson learned, i knew i should have left her a long time ago but i stayed in the hopes that things could change.

You're not alone in any of the choices you have made or the ones you are making now. You do deserve peace. You also deserve a partner who is ready for the same kind of relationship you are. All you are doing is putting yourself in a position to have those things.

Sending you strength.

I don't think there is one single person here who can't relate to your story, Wes. Really sorry you're where you are at right now.

You have a lot of good support here and at Alanon. Keep doing what is right for you and your kids; somehow it will all work out.

As I've seen others here say, "if we could love them enough to make them get sober, this forum would be empty." Your situation is no different. It is in no way a reflection on you that she is doing what she is doing.

Keep on working on YOU; one step at a time, you'll start to come out the other side of this to a better life than you knew could exist. (Well, that's what they tell me here, and I believe them!)

It's better to make these decisions now, instead of after you're married to an A. Sounds like you did your best, but you can't make it work on your own. The meeting another guy at lunch would be a deal breaker for me.

Stay with AlAnon through this....there is a peaceful future out there waiting for you. :)

What you say sounds very heavy.
There comes a time when your best intentions may not work.
Compassion is fine, but there has to be boundaries.
Sometimes splitting up is the best remedy for all concerned .

I couldn't agree more. And I am so sorry for your loss and disappointment. I wish I couldn't relate so well, but I do! Hope you stay around SR - and any other support you can get for yourself - for as long as you need.

Taking care of you is the right, right, right thing to do.:c011:

I can so relate to this. And that's almost the definition of codependency, isn't it?

You reached your limit. Ain't a thing wrong with that. For me, I hung in there longer than I probably should have because I wanted to know in my heart of hearts that I had done everything possible to help AXH get sober. Someone else here used the metaphor of saving myself and my children from a burning building while leaving him sitting inside insisting that there is no fire.

You've saved your children from a hell mine lived through for way too long. Leaving something that is no longer healthy is not a failure, it's sanity. Like my boss once told me (and apologies for the non-PC-ness of this): "Old Cherokee saying: When you riding horse, and horse dies, get off horse."

Wes58- I think you are dating my EXAG! Seriously, it really sounds like her! The same manipulation, the blame game, the same hooks to keep you in, the lies. I even have been told a story of the gun in the mouth (25 years ago), although she now claims she never told me anything like that.

You are truly not alone in your pain. Alcoholism makes them crazy, and living with an active alcoholic makes US crazy. Do what you need to take care of you and your kids. Her problems are just that- hers.

thanks everyone for your kind words. I know what i need to do, just feeling the loss and tug of my heart. I got to see the woman she could be while at rehab, focused, determined and hopeful. I wanted her to be my partner but its not to be. I called a counselor to make an appointment, a life with an active alcoholic is so damaging to everyone, so sad.

Your stronger than I was Wes, I argued, pled and attempted to educate my ExAH and might still be doing it if he hadn't left me for another drunk who didn't harass him. We were together for most of my 20's; I was in mid-30's (with no kids though I desperately wanted them) when he left and thought my life would never be what I'd hoped for. Turns out the best years were in front of me. I loved my ex, moving on from him broke my heart, but I can't believe how much better my life got once the crazy-making was behind me. You're saving yourself, maybe some day she'll do the same. My heart goes out to you.

I understand all too well what you are going through. I am so sorry. But I applaud you for getting away from this situation before you made a commitment of marriage. Your children deserve to witness an happy healthy relationship between a man and a woman. I wasn't as smart as you. I kept thinking it would change and get better. I kept thinking my ah would be the man he was meant to be. And I made every excuse in the book as to why he was lying, drinking and abusive. And now it is too late. I am not able to get out of this situation and my children have learned all of the wrong messages about marriage, love how a man treats a woman. So please look forward and never look back. You are making the best decision of your life by getting away from her now. Your children will thank you for it!!! You are stronger than you know!

thanks for all of the support and encouragement. I know its the right thing to do and a strange peace has come over me in the last hour. It feels good to have a little peace, the last time i had any peace was when she went to rehab.

This place is full of support and encouragement - it's been a life-saver for me, and many others..

You need peace, you DESERVE peace.. I'm glad you found it so quickly.

Blessings,
C-OH Dad

I am sorry to hear of your situation, it really is an awful place for anyone to be. I do agree you need to get away from this lady, she needs more help than you can offer. I wish you the best.

Wes,

You sound like an incredibly compassionate, loving human being. Don't ever feel badly about yourself because of what someone else did or didn't do.

I have felt very much as you do about hanging in there, (in fact I still am) but if she isn't ready or willing to begin her recovery then there isn't anything you can do for her. You can however do for yourself and your children, and you should. There is no need for you or them to suffer any longer.

Go make your family happy and healthy!