sadielady

Hi everyone,

I've been feeling in a slump lately. Not questioning my decision to end things with my exABF or wanting him back, but feeling some grief -- a new wave about 5 weeks after. Got a message from him (I know I should be 100% blocked, I'm getting there) that said he was " trying again to see if you have gotten over your misplaced sadness" -- what a characterization -- and that I "can't condescend a grown man into cookie cutter recovery." His view is distorted, but makes me face that I was absolutely thinking I could save him, and realizing how far I've come from that mindset in a few short weeks. Feels CRaZY now to think I ever thought I could "help" him do something he wasn't ready to do.

So it isn't a slump as much as a big pause and lots of feelings about it. A growing kind of pain, does that make sense? I don't ever want to use my old behaviors again and am really working through what this is all about.

Soooo I've been UnEffing the he!! Out of my habitat!! Just spent an hour with my daughter on her room and it felt SOOoO good!!! Nice to be helping her with her habits of UnEffing too

We both have the week off and have been taking lots of walks, nature is quite a salve too and I've been taking HUGE big breaths and just FEeLIng and that in itself feels raw but good.

I hope you're all well out there. SR sure is helping me get my head on straight whole being true to my heart.

SparkleKitty

Hey Sadie. You're doing well. This is going to take time. Like, SERIOUS time. It's going to take probably more time than will feel comfortable. It took a long time to build the pattern of behavior that got you here, and it's going to take a long time to build something new.

The good news is that this works you're doing starts to feel really good sooner than you think it will. Patience and courage, Sadie

OnawaMiniya

WOW to the ridiculous things he says. Still blaming YOU for HIS personal responsibility, in complete denial that he has had a profound effect on you. Denial that he's got a problem. Yet, even though it must hurt like hell, are you surprised that he said those things? I doubt it. Doesn't make it not hurt though. In time, it will fade, and so will he from your life.

I hear you, that you are working toward blocking him and aren't there yet. Gently suggesting that this incident might give you food for thought about the decision to block him. In other words, it is hurting you. I know it's hard to let go and I'm certainly not judging you, to be clear. Just hate to see that he's hurting you.

Definitely can understand how you say it's a sort of "growing pain". The fact that you reacted to your feelings of pain by doing something positive is a testament to growing into healthier ways of thinking, and that is so fantastic and takes strength! Hooray to you! You should be proud

And I agree, nature is such good therapy. After living in a more barren area of the USA for many years (has its own kind of beauty, but...), and moving back to NY, I often joke that it looks like the Jurassic era here lol. So beautiful, lush, green...mmm, like I remembered as a child. Just beautiful. I love to just stare at it, and the scent of the greenery even as I drive down the street is incredible. Love it.

Keep taking good care of yourself

spiderqueen

YES^^^^^^YES!!! Beautifully said!

Take heart in your own strength and resilience, Sadieladie, and even in your ability to feel pain, and move forward in spite of it.

Today, though I am sad and sorry that ABF has self-destructed (again) and left me and our plans in the lurch, I took great pleasure in stocking up my fridge and pantry with healthy, yummy food for me and my daughters, who come home to me this weekend. And now I'm going for a hike!

DreamsofSerenity

Hi Sadie,

I can't believe that crap your ex said. He's pretty good--and apparently pretty entrenched in denial too.

I know what you mean about not wanting your A back, but still feeling down. I'm kinda in that place too today. I'm starting to think I will carry the experience of loving this particular alcoholic with me for the rest of my life. That's not to say I won't get over him. It's more that the memory of him and his terrible disease will always be in the forefront of my mind inspiring me to live a healthier life.

I don't know...I can't articulate it very well. Loving him and losing him was one of the most profound experiences of my life. I can't say it was the most painful, because honestly, it wasn't. I guess it's just that it shook my consciousness up more than anything that I've ever done. I can not look at life, other people, or myself in the same way ever again.

Loving an alcoholic is like having one foot in heaven and one foot in hell. Earth never feels quite the same again. Ugggh.

I need to UFMH now. I'm stuck. Do you count daily chores like doing dishes in the 20 minute uneffing sessions?

Hugs

LexieCat

I think anything that makes your world more serene and clean counts as uneffing. Including just doing the dishes.

FireSprite

Sadie, you sound exactly, perfectly ok for where you are right now, IMHO. Uneffing always, always helps me no matter how I go about it, how big or small of a space I conquer or whatever, I feel lighter when I'm done. Sometimes I only have the focus to tackle a junk drawer & sometimes I get inspired to re-vamp a room. One thing that was especially important for me was carving out personal space in the house just FOR ME.

I also agree with sparklekitty - don't forget it's a process, it's going to take time & go through ups & downs. Keep going, you're doing great!

sadielady

Thank you all SO much for such wonderful feedback and support! I decided to take a little getaway with my daughter before she starts school and have been away from SR, also helped me to bask in the positives with her and do some positive things, definite slump busting few days!! My mind hasn't been on my ex, and when I do drift into that place for a few minutes, I feel sad for him then move ON.

And we did some more UnEffing today -- got a few organizational things from Target and made a couple spaces more functional.

AND went to the farmers market foe the 3rd time this week, eating fresh always helps. I feel more connected eating well too.

I just reread your responses and feel so overjoyed with the support here, each time I read all of you it is like a shot in the arm of the things I know in my depths to be true.