fedupbeyondall

I have to share an experience from a few days ago. I've been searching the various forums for something similar and I haven't found it yet. Here's the story.....of a lovely lady (oh wait different thing)........

I over heard (not on purpose, I just happened to be walking into the room) my AH on the phone with one of his friends. "Yeah, (my name), doesn't hound me anymore about my drinking. Doesn't even bring it up. Just lets me do my thing. It's pretty awsome not to have to hear about it all the time. It's like he thinks anyone who drinks is a freaking alcoholic. Seriously I only drink like three drinks a night. I guess he's just accepted it isn't going to stop."

So basically he has taken my detachment as permission to continue down this road. But on the other hand, if I continued down my usual codependant road, he would use my nagging as an excuse. One of those darned if you darned if you don't kind of things. I haven't decided exactly how to address this, of if I even will, I wasn't meant to hear the conversation after all. I definitely feel like this is an idication that he has zero intention to seek recovery any time in the near or distant future. So that really has told me all I need to know about how long I need to "wait and see".

Has anyone else seen or heard their ASO (addicted significant other) using your detachment as a means of "permission" to continue in their addiction?

fedupbeyondall

I have also been setting boundaries with him. Still working out what is acceptable and isn't tho. It's difficult to tell the difference when you've spent so many years just accepting everything. For the most part he has respected those boundaries. My biggest issue is setting up a consequence should a boundary be violated. But that's another topic for discussion.

stella27

The detachment is for YOUR benefit. Good job.

Hammer

Kind of funny if you think about it.

I mean like ha-ha funny.

I suppose that Mrs. Hammer did the same with the Eating Disorder.

Before her sponsor busted her on the ED, think she was planning another 6 year run before she figured permanent physical damage would happen. Since I knew her heart rate and blood pressure (less than 1/2 what they should have been -- from our daughter's Science Fair project) and would watch her fall over in the middle of the day, I knew she did not have that long to live.

But if no one is on their @ss it must be all Okay-Dokey, huh?

And now I suppose the same since Rehab with the Chronic Crazy Lying.

Strange World Over There.

LexieCat

Yes, not your job to set consequences for HIM. The question is what do you do for YOURSELF when he violates those boundaries.

And I wouldn't worry about what he thinks about why you are detaching. That isn't his business. The detachment is for you, not a way to control him. The detachment isn't intended to send any message. It is just a way for you to step OUT of the alcoholic two-step.

fedupbeyondall

It is actually pretty funny. I mean, really, denial isn't just a river in Egypt.

fedupbeyondall

That's what I was meaning. What do I do when the boundary is violated. That's a tough one. For me it's blurs the line of detachment (I know it shouldn't) because I want the "penalty" or consequence, to be strong enough that he knows I won't continue to back down and I really do mean it when I say his behavior is not acceptable. But maintain that balance of not controlling his drinking.

DreamsofSerenity

Hi Fedup,

That conversation would have really started my codie wheels turning. I didn't know what to think after reading your post, but what Lexie said makes a lot of sense: the detachment is so you do not go crazy yourself trying to control the uncontrollable. I'd really stay focused on that.

Alcoholism is so effed up.. It almost sounds like your AH was a teen on the phone to his buddy and you are the nagging father.

fedupbeyondall

That made me laugh. I often feel like I have a child living in the house. I could spend hours telling you the varioius childish behaviors he displays. The funniest one is when he says "I'm bored. There's nothing to do in this place" Uhm, the dogs would probably like a nice long walk, the dishes could be put away, the trash taken out, the bed made, get a jump on the laundry or.....find a dang job.

LexieCat

Boundaries don't come with "penalties" for violations, and they may or may not have consequences for the alcoholic. Consequences for him are not the point. The point is to maintain YOUR serenity. He doesn't have to know about what you are doing in response to a boundary violation, nor does he even have to know there IS a boundary, or that he has crossed it. The point of the boundary is to let YOU know when you need to do something different because something is encroaching on your psychic "space".

m1k3

What you are describing is not a boundary, it is a type of control. A boundary is more like an alarm bell and you have an action already planned for when that bell goes off.

For example, I have a boundary where I won't ride in a car if I know the driver has been drinking. My action is to find another way home. I don't even have to tell the driver anything.

Does that help?

Your friend,

DreamsofSerenity

So you've got a bored, drinking, teen in your house but you can't ground him or take away his car? Maybe you can refuse to buy him that new Xbox for Xmas.

I know how you feel. Whenever I was emotionally compromised either from something with my FOO, or even just bad PMS, I would lie to my exabf and tell him I was at a yoga retreat for a few days without cell reception. It was the only way I could avoid dealing with his childlike response to my emotions (along with those of my actual kids) without getting in a huge fight about it.

I didn't have to support him or do his share of the housework though. I think that would have pushed me over the edge. I feel for you, Daddy Fedup.

fedupbeyondall

I have so much to learn. I was approaching it from a stand point of "I need you to stop doing....... or I will......." ok. Thank you for clarifying

fedupbeyondall

That did help. Thank you!

fedupbeyondall

The financially supporting him has just started a couple months ago after we decided he needed a new career. Definitely needed, not wanted. I just didn't realize he was going to blow through our savings, that should have lasted at least a year, in a matter of three months. I cannot begin to tell you how ticked I am about that. The housework is my issue. I'm a neat freak, he is quite the opposite, so I do it to maintain my own sanity, and sanitary environment.

stella27

That's an ultimatum, which is a means of trying to control his behavior (drinking, lazing around the house, talking smack on the phone with his buddies).

The boundary is you getting a life that isn't dependent on his behaviors or actions.

You may be making a statement when you don't back down, but as you just witnessed by his phone convo with his teen-age slacker buddy, he won't get it. His alcoholic brain is to muddled to understand the way things work in the real world, or as I like to call it "logic."

I have been the mommy in my marriage and my XAH got to be the rebellious teen-ager. It was not any fun for me at all, and I feel like I am just now getting my joy back fully after so many years of exposure to his manipulative games where he got to use me to act out a rebellion fantasy.

Yuck.

FireSprite

I'm pretty sure that part of defining a boundary is defining what you will do about it if that line becomes crossed, but I could be wrong. In situations like this you would already KNOW what your go-to answer is without getting caught up in the emotion of what is happening at that moment.

For me, overhearing that phone call would really highlight just how far apart we are in terms of a livable solution (Plan A) & give me reason to continue working on Plan B. It shows how far apart your definitions of "OK" are and it sucks to say the least.

We lived with the rebellious teen dynamic too, it is NOT fun. (((HUGS)))

LexieCat

Why are "we" deciding he needs a new career?

Seems to me that that is a very personal decision--one that he may choose to kick around with you to get your opinion or feedback, but it is HIS decision.

When it is a "we" decision, then who can he blame when it doesn't work out? You can guess.

fedupbeyondall

Well, it seems I've been thinking about boundaries all wrong. With this new information I think I will better be able to set them and have my plans on how to deal with them when that occurs.

Thank God for SR, is all I can say. I can only imagine the hell I would continue to be stuck in if it weren't for findig this site and being able to learn from everyone elses experiences.

Recovering2

When I detached from my BF's behaviors, it wasn't with the intention of stopping his drinking. I knew I couldn't control that. Detaching was to save me, to let me step out of the chaos I'd been stuck in. His drinking probably got a little worse initially, when he wasn't being followed or nagged by me. Then when he figured out I wasn't engaged in his behaviors, he got mad. Tried to pick fights for no reason. That's when I really really had to practice detachment!

Boundaries are for you. I decided I wouldn't stay in the house if he was drunk. I didn't announce my boundary. When I came home, if he was drunk, I left for the night. I had a trusted friend who gave me a key to her house. Another boundary, I wouldn't get in a car with him if he was drinking.

If anything, his phone comment should help you realize he has no intention of changing. So you have to decide what YOU want. Is this what you want for you life moving forward? If not, time to make some changes. He is NOT changing.