trying to get the AH out of my house
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 9
trying to get the AH out of my house
I just wanted to start by saying this is my first post, and this is a chance for me to share my story. I have been reading through a lot of the threads, and am happy I found a place where other people can relate. I have been married to an AH for 13 years now.
The thing is I am just so emotionally drained from the situation. It seemed to get really bad after my son was born almost 8 years ago. He would stay out all night binge drinking, then come home and pass out and/or puke all over. I had enough, so I left with my son when he has only 6 months old. He came to me begging for me to come back, and promised to quit drinking. So, after 6 months, I moved back. He never quit drinking, but slowed down. Then, when he thought everything was good between us, started heavily drinking again, and fell into the same pattern. I left for the 2nd time when my son was 2 1/2. Once again, he slowed down on the drinking, so I moved back after 6 months. Things seemed to be going well, and we decided to have my daughter. I think I just became numb to the situation. He did his own thing, and I did mine with the kids. He got a DUI, but blamed everyone but himself. I hit my breaking point in April when he took our kids to the nursing home to see my Grandma, and one of the nurses wanted to call the cops and have the kids taken away from him because he was slurring and staggering around. I let him know it was one thing for me to be depressed about the situation, but when you mess with my kids, it's time to get out of our lives. He said it was a wake-up call, and quit drinking for 3 months. Things were FINALLY going good between the two of us, and we seemed like a family again. Then, we went on vacation, and he felt the need to be drunk the whole time. He was escorted by security from the waterpark because he was drunk. I threatened to leave when we got back. He told me he quit drinking again, but I quickly realized that he was leaving the house every chance he got to go get drunk with his buddies. My Grandma passed away last week, and he showed up to the wake drunk. My babysitter also said he showed up drunk when he picked up my daughter last week. Then, this past weekend, he walked around in a drunken haze, and was intolerable and irritable because he was trying to hide his drinking from me. I finally told him to get out. I said I am not leaving, because it is not fair to the kids to make them pick up and leave. He treated me like I was the crazy one, and said I needed to get mental help, because I am overreacting to the whole situation. He yelled at me, saying I was a terrible person for trying to break up our home. So, now I am stuck dealing with this, trying to get him out of the house, but he won't leave. He is not abusive physically, so I can't really get the law involved to do it. I just want him gone! I am so done! Thanks for listening! I just needed to share with someone, because I try to act like my life is normal to most of my family and friends. Any advice or thoughts on how to deal with the situation is appreciated.
The thing is I am just so emotionally drained from the situation. It seemed to get really bad after my son was born almost 8 years ago. He would stay out all night binge drinking, then come home and pass out and/or puke all over. I had enough, so I left with my son when he has only 6 months old. He came to me begging for me to come back, and promised to quit drinking. So, after 6 months, I moved back. He never quit drinking, but slowed down. Then, when he thought everything was good between us, started heavily drinking again, and fell into the same pattern. I left for the 2nd time when my son was 2 1/2. Once again, he slowed down on the drinking, so I moved back after 6 months. Things seemed to be going well, and we decided to have my daughter. I think I just became numb to the situation. He did his own thing, and I did mine with the kids. He got a DUI, but blamed everyone but himself. I hit my breaking point in April when he took our kids to the nursing home to see my Grandma, and one of the nurses wanted to call the cops and have the kids taken away from him because he was slurring and staggering around. I let him know it was one thing for me to be depressed about the situation, but when you mess with my kids, it's time to get out of our lives. He said it was a wake-up call, and quit drinking for 3 months. Things were FINALLY going good between the two of us, and we seemed like a family again. Then, we went on vacation, and he felt the need to be drunk the whole time. He was escorted by security from the waterpark because he was drunk. I threatened to leave when we got back. He told me he quit drinking again, but I quickly realized that he was leaving the house every chance he got to go get drunk with his buddies. My Grandma passed away last week, and he showed up to the wake drunk. My babysitter also said he showed up drunk when he picked up my daughter last week. Then, this past weekend, he walked around in a drunken haze, and was intolerable and irritable because he was trying to hide his drinking from me. I finally told him to get out. I said I am not leaving, because it is not fair to the kids to make them pick up and leave. He treated me like I was the crazy one, and said I needed to get mental help, because I am overreacting to the whole situation. He yelled at me, saying I was a terrible person for trying to break up our home. So, now I am stuck dealing with this, trying to get him out of the house, but he won't leave. He is not abusive physically, so I can't really get the law involved to do it. I just want him gone! I am so done! Thanks for listening! I just needed to share with someone, because I try to act like my life is normal to most of my family and friends. Any advice or thoughts on how to deal with the situation is appreciated.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
I hired an attorney and filed for divorce. After she was served the plan was to file a motion for sole use of the marital home, but she moved out before I needed to pull the trigger on that. Talk to a lawyer and see what your options are. I think you are right to get him out of the house, no need to move the children and make things any harder on them. Good luck.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Shan77, Welcome to SR!
I'm so very sorry to hear about the loss of your grandma!
I have no similar experience, since both my ex-husband and I moved when divorcing. But, as Jazzman said, I think it's best to consult an attorney. I have read here in the past that getting someone out of the marital home does mean filing for 'sole use of the marital home'.
Pay no attention to the active alcoholic's cruel words. Easier said than done, I know. They mean nothing and are merely his efforts to deflect attention from and protect his drinking.
I am glad you are beginning to protect yourself and your precious children from his nonsense.
I'm so very sorry to hear about the loss of your grandma!
I have no similar experience, since both my ex-husband and I moved when divorcing. But, as Jazzman said, I think it's best to consult an attorney. I have read here in the past that getting someone out of the marital home does mean filing for 'sole use of the marital home'.
Pay no attention to the active alcoholic's cruel words. Easier said than done, I know. They mean nothing and are merely his efforts to deflect attention from and protect his drinking.
I am glad you are beginning to protect yourself and your precious children from his nonsense.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Shan, it sounds like you have been on the "rollercoaster ride" for quite some time, now. No wonder you are exhausted.
A basic fact is that your husband is an alcoholic. Without treatment or a program to embrace sobriety, the alcoholism cannot be arrested. He may make promicses, but he won't be able to keep them. YOU DIDN'T CAUSE IT; YOU CAN'T CONTROL IT; AND YOU CAN'T FIX IT.
You only have the ability to control yourself and your actions.
Alcoholics pay more attention to action than words. By now, your words have become very hollow.
Living in this atmosphere is damaging to the children.
I am glad you came here, because there is a lot of educational materials on this site as well as support from those who understand what you are going through. Alanon is also a place where you can sort yourself out and receive face to face support.
If you want him out and he won't go---you will need legal legal advice on how to proceed.
You are in a tough position--no doubt about it---and you are going to need all the support that you can get.
dandylion
A basic fact is that your husband is an alcoholic. Without treatment or a program to embrace sobriety, the alcoholism cannot be arrested. He may make promicses, but he won't be able to keep them. YOU DIDN'T CAUSE IT; YOU CAN'T CONTROL IT; AND YOU CAN'T FIX IT.
You only have the ability to control yourself and your actions.
Alcoholics pay more attention to action than words. By now, your words have become very hollow.
Living in this atmosphere is damaging to the children.
I am glad you came here, because there is a lot of educational materials on this site as well as support from those who understand what you are going through. Alanon is also a place where you can sort yourself out and receive face to face support.
If you want him out and he won't go---you will need legal legal advice on how to proceed.
You are in a tough position--no doubt about it---and you are going to need all the support that you can get.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: The beautiful Midwest
Posts: 202
Good morning Shan.....and welcome. You have found a great place to feel comfortable and learn from others. When I found SR I was in an 4 years relationship with an A and at the end of my rope as well....or so I thought. My relationship with him went on for another 4+ years after I came here....with my XAB coming and going several times over those years. He'd make promises and show a little improvement, just until he had me hooked again, then things gradually went right back to the way they were. He tried everything in the book from "cutting back", only drinking on weekends, limiting to beer only, limiting the # of beers he would have each night....all failed attempts. Said he drank becasue he was in pain. His back hurt, his legs, his knees, every single body part seemed to hurt. He ended up getting pain pills off the streets becasue he "had to have something for the pain" . Next thing I knew, it was pain pills AND beer.
The rollercoaster ride has been terribly draining and exhausting. I got to the point where I just coulnd't STAND IT anymore. Everytime I even looked at him I felt repulsed! the sound of a beer poping open made my blood pressure go up....
He is gone for good now, as of July 19th...and I have finally come to the realization that the only person I had any control over is ME. I needed to change my way of thinking and MY life. I had been so focused on him and trying to take care of him, fix him, guide him, help him, encourage him, research this research that.....that I lost touch with the reality of the situation. I was becoming as sick as he is. After reading your story above, I want to say that I truly "feel" for you. Many of us have been thru exactly what you are now going through....we've had hope and we've looked for answers. We've wanted to believe thier "wake-up calls" were true, and we've wanted to believe they would try to quit. Oh, if only it were that easy.....as someone here once said, "if we could only love sober"
Please don't let his quacking get you down! You will find that A's will say whatever they think will get you off their back. Get some legal advice about how to proceed with getting him out of the house. I immediately started doing things to take care of MYSELF (and your children of course)....read and gathered all the information I could about alcoholism and co-dependancey...... started talking to people who could help me feel better about myself and make a change in my way of thinking......
Things WILL get better for you if you start worrying less about HIM and MORE about yourself. It took me many years to understand and grasp this concept, but it IS true.
Stay here with us and let us help you work on feeling better
Hugs to you Shan
The rollercoaster ride has been terribly draining and exhausting. I got to the point where I just coulnd't STAND IT anymore. Everytime I even looked at him I felt repulsed! the sound of a beer poping open made my blood pressure go up....
He is gone for good now, as of July 19th...and I have finally come to the realization that the only person I had any control over is ME. I needed to change my way of thinking and MY life. I had been so focused on him and trying to take care of him, fix him, guide him, help him, encourage him, research this research that.....that I lost touch with the reality of the situation. I was becoming as sick as he is. After reading your story above, I want to say that I truly "feel" for you. Many of us have been thru exactly what you are now going through....we've had hope and we've looked for answers. We've wanted to believe thier "wake-up calls" were true, and we've wanted to believe they would try to quit. Oh, if only it were that easy.....as someone here once said, "if we could only love sober"
Please don't let his quacking get you down! You will find that A's will say whatever they think will get you off their back. Get some legal advice about how to proceed with getting him out of the house. I immediately started doing things to take care of MYSELF (and your children of course)....read and gathered all the information I could about alcoholism and co-dependancey...... started talking to people who could help me feel better about myself and make a change in my way of thinking......
Things WILL get better for you if you start worrying less about HIM and MORE about yourself. It took me many years to understand and grasp this concept, but it IS true.
Stay here with us and let us help you work on feeling better
Hugs to you Shan
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
sorry but I think that you are very wrong
Originally Posted by Shan77 
He is not abusive physically, so I can't really get the law involved to do it.
the courts will issue a restraining order to have him removed
at least the courts should remove him until the first court hearing
this they do in most all cases just to be safe
then the two of you will meet in court at state your sides of the story
mental abuse of you and the children is frowned upon in most all courts
the courts have seen many a drunk destroy a fine family
and
they are there to protect the innocent
Mountainman Bob
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by Mountainmanbob
I believe with just the facts that you have stated
the courts will issue a restraining order to have him removed
at least the courts should remove him until the first court hearing
this they do in most all cases just to be safe
then the two of you will meet in court at state your sides of the story
mental abuse of you and the children is frowned upon in most all courts
the courts have seen many a drunk destroy a fine family
and
they are there to protect the innocent
Mountainman Bob
the courts will issue a restraining order to have him removed
at least the courts should remove him until the first court hearing
this they do in most all cases just to be safe
then the two of you will meet in court at state your sides of the story
mental abuse of you and the children is frowned upon in most all courts
the courts have seen many a drunk destroy a fine family
and
they are there to protect the innocent
Mountainman Bob
To the OP, you can contact your local domestic violence advocacy organization, which can give you information about what the requirements are for a restraining order. It may be that you do qualify, but I would find out before applying for one.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by LexieCat
but not just unpleasant drunken behavior), you cannot get a restraining order.
picking up and driving around drunk with kids in the car
possibly I also need to re-read said thread
Mountainman
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 199
Shan, I'm so sorry you've been on such a ride but hear the peace tarting to grow in knowing you need it to change. Keep coming here, we'll be rooting for you!
The advice about getting a lawyer is good, finding out how to get sole possession of your house. I want to throw another alternative out there.
You may find that moving isn't as bad as you think and gives you and your kids a fresh start. I'm not saying do it, just keep open in your mind that it is another possibility, if needed, of freeing yourself from his presence.
I divorced my exH several years ago (he wasn't my A, a more recent BF was) and we'd planned for him to move out of the house we owned (we had a baby daughter) but he kept dragging it out. I changed course and moved myself, with our daughter, and it have me tremendous freedom. I've never regretted it.
Not saying that's your path, but keep an open mind. It wasn't my path -- or so I thought -- and it was incredibly freeing.
The advice about getting a lawyer is good, finding out how to get sole possession of your house. I want to throw another alternative out there.
You may find that moving isn't as bad as you think and gives you and your kids a fresh start. I'm not saying do it, just keep open in your mind that it is another possibility, if needed, of freeing yourself from his presence.
I divorced my exH several years ago (he wasn't my A, a more recent BF was) and we'd planned for him to move out of the house we owned (we had a baby daughter) but he kept dragging it out. I changed course and moved myself, with our daughter, and it have me tremendous freedom. I've never regretted it.
Not saying that's your path, but keep an open mind. It wasn't my path -- or so I thought -- and it was incredibly freeing.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by Shan77
I hit my breaking point in April when he took our kids to the nursing home to see my Grandma, and one of the nurses wanted to call the cops and have the kids taken away from him because he was slurring and staggering around.
He was escorted by security from the waterpark because he was drunk.
My Grandma passed away last week, and he showed up to the wake drunk.
My babysitter also said he showed up drunk when he picked up my daughter last week.
Then, this past weekend, he walked around in a drunken haze, and was intolerable and irritable
He treated me like I was the crazy one, and said I needed to get mental help
He yelled at me
and, in no way would I think this to be a waste of the courts time
note
in Calif
the yelling at someone alone is enough
Mountainman
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Dear Shan, I'm so sorry about your situation...but SO glad you found SR. There is so much information here, and so much support for you. You are NOT alone in your situation, most of us have been through the same or similar.
Learn the 3C's that was already mentioned. You didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. It is a progressive disease, so he will continue to deteriorate since he's not seeking sobriety. It is a "contagious" disease, in the sense that the family becomes ill as well. We suffer from GI distress, headaches, insomnia, stress, etc. Kids suffer the worst, they learn they can't trust or feel.
But there is a way out. And you're on that path. The only person you have control over is you. You and your children don't have to live with your AH's choices. Of course, he will blame you. You will hear alot of ugly things from him as you move forward. Remember this....just because he says it, doesn't mean it's true. You know the truth. So it's not easy, but don't take what he's saying personally. It's just the disease talking. Learn to detach from his behaviors until you can get out. Leave him to his path, and focus on you.
Find an AlAnon group near you, many have child care. You need the wisdom and support that is there in those rooms. I watch people come in to meetings totally broken, and over the course of a few months, they begin to heal. They smile, they make new choices, they find serenity. Find a lawyer, get some advice on how to file and stay in your home.
Try not to get into fights about this. You told him you're done. No real need to discuss it with him any further. The argument isn't going to change, he's had plenty of chances. Just move forward.
We're here for you. AlAnon will help you. You're going to come out the other side happier, and your children will be safe. (((hugs)))
Learn the 3C's that was already mentioned. You didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. It is a progressive disease, so he will continue to deteriorate since he's not seeking sobriety. It is a "contagious" disease, in the sense that the family becomes ill as well. We suffer from GI distress, headaches, insomnia, stress, etc. Kids suffer the worst, they learn they can't trust or feel.
But there is a way out. And you're on that path. The only person you have control over is you. You and your children don't have to live with your AH's choices. Of course, he will blame you. You will hear alot of ugly things from him as you move forward. Remember this....just because he says it, doesn't mean it's true. You know the truth. So it's not easy, but don't take what he's saying personally. It's just the disease talking. Learn to detach from his behaviors until you can get out. Leave him to his path, and focus on you.
Find an AlAnon group near you, many have child care. You need the wisdom and support that is there in those rooms. I watch people come in to meetings totally broken, and over the course of a few months, they begin to heal. They smile, they make new choices, they find serenity. Find a lawyer, get some advice on how to file and stay in your home.
Try not to get into fights about this. You told him you're done. No real need to discuss it with him any further. The argument isn't going to change, he's had plenty of chances. Just move forward.
We're here for you. AlAnon will help you. You're going to come out the other side happier, and your children will be safe. (((hugs)))
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
when it comes to the kids I go to very good lengths to keep them healthy and sane...
well...a 12 step program will help ALOT, so much wisdom around those walls, and here too at SR...
keep reading and reading and reading some more...soon your questions will be answers...
welcome
well...a 12 step program will help ALOT, so much wisdom around those walls, and here too at SR...
keep reading and reading and reading some more...soon your questions will be answers...
welcome
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 9
Thanks for all the advice and info! I am trying to find a lawyer now, to get everything going. I let AH know that was the approach I was taking, so I THINK he may be leaving on his own. I will not know until I get home from work today though. I did look into Al-Anon, and I don't think there are any close to me. I did actually look into a restraining order, and they acted like that wasn't possible since there was no physical abuse (I live in IL.)
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
My sister lives in Maryland and she had a heck of a time trying to a RO without bruises and cuts. Crazy but true. In Virginia you can't divorce a drunk spouse unless they are a nasty abusive drunk. Anyway, you're doing the right thing.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by Shan77
I did look into Al-Anon, and I don't think there are any close to me.
If you live in the back of beyond and there really are not any face-to-face meetings, then check electronic meetings (online chat or telephone or email groups), under the same section as "Find a Meeting" on the Alanon/Alateen site.
Alanon is a good place to start getting a handle on how to best help yourself and your kids. Between that and SR, you could become darn near bullet-proof!
Take care.
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