fml23

I bought a bunch of books for myself about codependence and addiction. A few days ago I moved out of the home I share with my H (should I say recovering? He is not drinking but from poking around here I can conclusively say he's not in a program and has been consistently saying his end goal in sobriety is to eventually be able to moderate?!? I feel ridiculous just typing that!!) I was on here this weekend in great turmoil thinking I'm a monster cause I just can't seem to keep my anxiety in check, but now that I have gotten a bit of distance and had a couple 'light bulb' moments I am seeing that I really do need to only take care of my own needs and get myself to a healthy place. So I am making progress, even if at the pace of a snail.

But anyways, I bought this one book 'The addictive personality' by Craig Nakken. And I really like it! Only I keep thinking 'gosh my H would really like this book! Maybe I should give him this copy or mention it to him!' So what the hell? Is that manipulative?!? I can't even tell anymore. Where's the line? I'm not happy with my marriage at present. Regardless of his alcohol consumption H moves through the relationship as an addict and I as a codependent. But what is the difference between manipulating and actually connecting and sharing something that is helping me?!? Like if I say 'I really liked this book on addiction and wanted to give it to you.' And he freaks out and gets mad isn't that his problem?

Ugh. I'm never gonna get this. I want to detach from him but I can't. I just am the type if person who likes to fact find, investigate and like rally ppl. It's my personality type. I also bought 'codependent no more', I see all the behaviors (although I am totally shocked to see myself as a manipulative or controlling person!) but I guess I'm just overwhelmed. Right now I am dancing around the issue of A with my H and I just can't quite seem to understand what normal convos look like. I see where all the 'problem' behaviors are but I don't quite get what the healthy ones are... Guess I need to keep reading.

LexieCat

You might want to become an activist of some type. You'd probably be great at it. But those traits do not work when dealing with an addict.

Unless he asks you for reading recommendations, keep your "finds" to yourself. I only recommended one book in my life to the men I was with who wanted sobriety, and that was the Big Book. Reading that, literally, was what started my first husband on the road to sobriety. I think he still has that book that a friend gave me to share with him back in 1979.

Anyway, the reason the Big Book strikes a chord with alcoholics is it was written BY them and FOR them. Other books on addiction may be interesting and insightful, but they are not going to grab the alcoholic the same way that the voice of experience does.

In any event, the more you stay out of his recovery business, the better. That's MY voice of experience.

Recovering2

I would also suggest you need AlAnon. Going to those meetings, listening to the experiences of others, will help you get it. You'll start to sort through, and things will make more sense. You'll learn how to take care of you, and give him the dignity to choose his own path (even if it's a bad path).

dandylion

Experience has taught me that every well-meaning effort to "educate" or "enlighten" or "rehabilitate" or to "share" is deeply resented by the alcoholic. Anything that comes between them and their ability to still drink is seen by the enemy.

So, it really doesn't change the course of things if you give him the book or not. I gurante you---it won't make him stop, though.


dandylion

Tuffgirl

I was completely amazed when I stopped reading self-help books with my ex in mind, and started reading them again with only myself in mind.

Like you, I read a lot. But nowadays, its only for my own self-enlightenment.

~T

LaTeeDa

LOL, TG! I read "Codependent No More" THREE times before I actually saw how it applied to me. The first two times, all I could think about was how codependent my AH was, my mother, my brother, my aunt, my coworkers.....

Can you say denial? LOL

L

fml23

Lexiecat, ur post made me bust out laughing at myself!! No my can-do life approach really doesn't have any impact whatsoever on H addiction. Cause if it did I probably would already have 'fixed him'. Point taken and yeah maybe there are other ways to channel all that energy.

Recovery2 I am sure ur right. I am trying to go to some more meetings because I desperately need more practical help. I have a lot of support but there just sort of a line between all the 'non alcoholic' advice (maybe he needs more space, perhaps a good vacation to cheer him up!) and the handful of ppl who have shared their personal struggles with addiction.

And yes tuffgirl the irony of my sitting and reading a book about helping MYSELF recover from codependency while thinking of how lovely it would be to chat with him about my finds was NOT lost to me. It's sneaky this codependency thing!

Thanx all. I can't help but giggle at the ridiculous simplicity of it all! Simple does not mean easy tho.

Wavy

I've found it really tough to be at this point because I know what I'm doing wrong, but don't know how to do it any other way yet! Its painful to realise that I am still behaving in damaging ways and seeing myself continue to cause damage, at least before I was blissfully unaware! LOL It is just time and to a certain extent banging our head against a brick wall until that moment of understanding comes and it makes sense. i've a had a few of those along the way (not nearly enough!) and they are worth the wait and the effort.