How to Connect During the Rare Sober Evening?
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 57
Originally Posted by lillamy 
For a while, any sober evening gave me hope and I was all over it, serving him and being present and sitting admiringly at his feet in the hope that if I just rewarded him for being sober he would become sober.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 35
@Ripper: Your description of where you two are now is exactly where I know we are headed. Yes, my ABF continues to tell me that he loves me, talks of the future together, etc and all I can think is, "Really? I told you ~2 weeks ago that I would be leaving if things didn't change. And, as of right now, nothing has changed. Are you freaking crazy?!?!?". I guess the answer is yes. In fact, a couple of nights ago he said to me (while drinking), "I don't know how much alcohol is ok with you?" Seriously? You think your addiction is about my permission?!?! I told him to please not let what I think dictate how much he drinks and that he should do what he thinks is best. Apparently he took that as permission to continue on as normal.
@lillamy: I'm with you - anytime I suggest anything negative about our relationship, he gets all sad and says XYZ is just a phase. I used to fall for that one EVERY TIME. Now, I just shrug it off.
@atalose: The alcohol-soaked brain is terribly difficult to work with! As I noted previously, we work together most days. And, watching him struggle with certain tasks that I perceive to be simple is annoying. Rather than help (because then I'm being bossy) I just sit there while the frustration under my skin mounts.
@POAndrea: I'm with Ripper on this one, you transformed my feelings and thoughts into words.
@stella27: I know just how you feel. I really don't look forward to spending any time together anymore. And, forget about physical intimacy....
@lillamy: I'm with you - anytime I suggest anything negative about our relationship, he gets all sad and says XYZ is just a phase. I used to fall for that one EVERY TIME. Now, I just shrug it off.
@atalose: The alcohol-soaked brain is terribly difficult to work with! As I noted previously, we work together most days. And, watching him struggle with certain tasks that I perceive to be simple is annoying. Rather than help (because then I'm being bossy) I just sit there while the frustration under my skin mounts.
@POAndrea: I'm with Ripper on this one, you transformed my feelings and thoughts into words.
@stella27: I know just how you feel. I really don't look forward to spending any time together anymore. And, forget about physical intimacy....
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,683
We really did kid ourselves all was well when we were drunk. My husband put up with me drinking most days and if I didn't drink one day it was probably because I was recovering.
And I expect everything to be ok after nearly five months sober.
He is probably waiting for me to drink again.. I'm so selfish, I pushed him away, he has learnt to have a life without me whilst seeing me tanked up every night. Not a good sight,,will it work now I'm sober and holier than thou and thinking I can make him change just like that.
Nope, we have or should I say I have my problems with the life he leads now but I probably deserve all I got and deserve it. Can I forgive myself for the heartache I caused, unsure about that one.
And I expect everything to be ok after nearly five months sober.
He is probably waiting for me to drink again.. I'm so selfish, I pushed him away, he has learnt to have a life without me whilst seeing me tanked up every night. Not a good sight,,will it work now I'm sober and holier than thou and thinking I can make him change just like that.
Nope, we have or should I say I have my problems with the life he leads now but I probably deserve all I got and deserve it. Can I forgive myself for the heartache I caused, unsure about that one.
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,683
Hi OP I know my husband wanted me to stop drinking for years but 'I'm alright jack' attitude of mine I wouldn't budge. When I did want to stop, though I didn't say anthing or look anywhere just tried by myself I failed and failed miserably so just gave in to the fact I could never stop and put up with swollen ankles, bloatedness, baggy eye, foggy head, aches and pains, which till I stopped drinking I thought was just getting older problems. Or kidded myself so.
It wasn't till a big row and we sit for a week which was like waking me up.
I stopped drinking immediately. Yes, I've had withdrawals but nothing so bad as the hangovers and problems drink brings with it.
All of a sudden I have nothing to hide behind. I have to become accountable for my actions and be grown up and take responsibility. It is a wake up call having to face me. But I wanted everything to be ok cos I'd sobered up, not they easy.
Husband had gotten used to a drunk for a wife who hardly participated in their marriage. Don't get me wrong, on the surface I went work, cooked and cleaned then drank. So reading the above posts of the spouses of alcoholics I remembered my dad and all the suffering we had as kids when he drank.
Then I go and do exactly the same and cause unhappiness, I think , to my husband causing him to stray on to porn/live sex one to one video sites.
It may not just be my actions but I have to start there and promise myself to never take that first drink.
If you read this to your alcoholic spouses/partners they would say they'd never let themselves get as bad as me, thing is, I lied to myself for so many years. I'm so ashamed that I didn't have the courage but now I've found sobriety and this SR site and life may be full of regrets I know I'm not gonna be in that state again.
Who knows where I will end up with my marriage but I do know I want to do it sober.
I've gotta realise it's not all about me.
I apologise to you guys, on behalf of your spouses who are still in the fog of booze. Just remember there is a human there deep down, how you can reach out to them, who knows, but we have to want sobriety to get it. If only it was that easy. One small step.
It wasn't till a big row and we sit for a week which was like waking me up.
I stopped drinking immediately. Yes, I've had withdrawals but nothing so bad as the hangovers and problems drink brings with it.
All of a sudden I have nothing to hide behind. I have to become accountable for my actions and be grown up and take responsibility. It is a wake up call having to face me. But I wanted everything to be ok cos I'd sobered up, not they easy.
Husband had gotten used to a drunk for a wife who hardly participated in their marriage. Don't get me wrong, on the surface I went work, cooked and cleaned then drank. So reading the above posts of the spouses of alcoholics I remembered my dad and all the suffering we had as kids when he drank.
Then I go and do exactly the same and cause unhappiness, I think , to my husband causing him to stray on to porn/live sex one to one video sites.
It may not just be my actions but I have to start there and promise myself to never take that first drink.
If you read this to your alcoholic spouses/partners they would say they'd never let themselves get as bad as me, thing is, I lied to myself for so many years. I'm so ashamed that I didn't have the courage but now I've found sobriety and this SR site and life may be full of regrets I know I'm not gonna be in that state again.
Who knows where I will end up with my marriage but I do know I want to do it sober.
I've gotta realise it's not all about me.
I apologise to you guys, on behalf of your spouses who are still in the fog of booze. Just remember there is a human there deep down, how you can reach out to them, who knows, but we have to want sobriety to get it. If only it was that easy. One small step.
Last edited by Mags1; 12-14-2013 at 02:38 PM. Reason: Spelling error.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 35
@Mags1: Thank you for sharing your story. Congrats on your current spot in life - it sounds like you are making positive changes for yourself 
When you wrote, "When I did want to stop, though I didn't say anthing or look anywhere just tried by myself I failed and failed miserably so just gave in to the fact I could never stop," I can't help but think if my ABF went through the same thing. Of course, he would never share that thought with me. I wonder if many/most go through the same type of experience.
I wish you the best of luck
When you wrote, "When I did want to stop, though I didn't say anthing or look anywhere just tried by myself I failed and failed miserably so just gave in to the fact I could never stop," I can't help but think if my ABF went through the same thing. Of course, he would never share that thought with me. I wonder if many/most go through the same type of experience.
I wish you the best of luck
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