Affairs in AA...

Old 07-31-2013, 11:14 AM
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Affairs in AA...

Hi everyone
This is my first time posting. I have an alcoholic husband who went thru rehab 18 mos ago and is supposedly still sober. I say supposedly for many reasons.

He "left" me and our 2 children about 3 months ago saying he could not live with my anger any longer. Within a week he was dating a girl in AA who was 26, and sober less than a year. He is 41. Clearly my 'anger' was the excuse. He moved in with this girl within a month, went on vacation with her while leaving me with the family to support emotionally and financially. And 3 weeks ago he supposedly broke things off w girl and wants his family back.

I refer to what he did as 13th stepping. It makes me think less of AA and the people he shares his feelings with at these meetings - and not trust him at all - my way of supporting him was to make it so he could always go to a meeting ... And he used it to date?

Prior to all of this I felt he was slipping in his sobriety. He was acting more and more moody, compulsive, distant - all things he did while drinking. Part of me thinks he just switched addictions.

I don't trust him, yet I am not willing to fully give up on our family with 2 young children. Not sure if counseling will save us.

Any insight is greatly appreciated.
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Old 07-31-2013, 11:22 AM
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I don't really have much advice- but I can relate. I think what you will find from our friends here in recovery is that living a sober lifestyle is much more than just not drinking. Perhaps your husband is just not realizing that yet.
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Old 07-31-2013, 11:23 AM
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How is AA responsible for his irresponsible behavior? The members of AA cannot control another alcoholic any more than you can. HE is the one responsible for his behavior, which I agree is disgraceful. I don't know anyone in AA with good sobriety who would approve of what he did, but they are there to help him with his drinking. And if he isn't working a good program, the help anyone can provide to him is limited.

Are you going to Al-Anon? I would suggest you focus on your recovery and take a wait and see attitude about him. I'd personally postpone the marriage counseling until he gets his act together.
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Old 07-31-2013, 11:32 AM
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Just because he's attending meetings, doesn't mean he's actually working on his recovery. Just like AlAnon, the people at the meetings are there to offer their experience, strength, and hope. They're not going to tell him what to do with his life. If he makes the choice to cheat....that's on him. Just like his choice to drink is on him. No one holds a gun to his head and makes him do either.
What are your boundaries? If he cheats, then you take him back as soon as the gf leaves, what is your message to him? Marriage counseling is a good idea IMO, but only if you're both committed to the marriage. It won't work if he's not taking accountability.
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Old 07-31-2013, 12:16 PM
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I personally would like to stomp on that man's foot then punch him in nose. Damn.

I once had several young children and a husband with a drinking problem who lied and probably cheated. I wish I could go back and time and smack him, too! Or better, just plain get him out of my life earlier, before things got worse for all of us.

Have you let him back in?

Having an alcoholic father is terrible for my children. And, they have learned from him. Now I have teens who need a lot of education about what is and is not acceptable behavior.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. You may have seen nothing yet.

Sorry to be so sobering, but having young children is reason to get him out, Imho, not let him back in.

Courage!
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Old 07-31-2013, 12:28 PM
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Somewhere I read that just sitting in an AA meeting doesn't mean a person is actually in recovery any more than standing in a garage means he is a car...

As someone whose AH has been "standing in the garage" up until very recently, sounds like that's what your AH is doing also. I agree w/the other posters--until he actually starts working a program, you are much wiser to keep him out of your house and your life.

Please don't get hung up on getting him back as some kind of "winning", especially since the gf was so young. As you already know, he is not necessarily a prize, at least not as he is now. You might want to think about whether part of not wanting to give up has to do w/your ego (and I am not judging, I am just suspecting this may have something to do with it b/c I would certainly feel that way, in your shoes).
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Old 07-31-2013, 12:31 PM
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What Pippi said
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Old 07-31-2013, 12:32 PM
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Do you attend church? I'd talk with your pastr if you do go to church. Possibly, he could recommend someone to help you and your husband.

It takes years to rebuild trust. Are you going to be able to forgive him?
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Old 07-31-2013, 12:33 PM
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There are cheaters in and out of the rooms of AA
Infidelity Statistics | Statistic Brain
Once a cheating dog, always a cheating dog. I would not live ever again with someone I cannot trust but that's me.
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Old 07-31-2013, 12:59 PM
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your hubbys actions aren't the fault of AA. they are the fault of your hubby being a selfish,self centered child.

my insight would be don't trust him. trust is earned through actions and there no time limit on when that trust is earned.
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Old 07-31-2013, 02:28 PM
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Sex is only one form of 13th stepping, it happens in ALL 12 step fellowships. I cannot blame the fellowships for another's actions because the exact same behavior happens in churches and bars. It is the responsibility of the individual and when they chose to work an HONEST program they'll take responsibility for it then. All I can do is pray for others and when asked, make suggestions.
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Old 07-31-2013, 03:34 PM
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Just my two cents as someone who experienced both the alcohol use and infidelity in my relationship.

I don't know if they are connected in terms of his behavior, but both the alcohol use and the infidelity made me feel similar. I felt out of control, at fault, unlovable etc.

In both cases I thought it was somehow my job to make it all okay so it would never happen again.

I have learned that in both cases it is all on him to get better (and to even want to get better). The reason for the "unacceptable" behavior does not matter...the fact that is occurred does. I also should not reward someone for bad behavior or after bad behavior because he wanted something (in this case like coming home).

Al-Anon helped me with both types of recovery. As did my own individual counseling. Both of those could have been done regardless of if I was living with my qualifier or not. Honestly I probably got more out of it because I was living alone because I did not have to test my new skills on a person I had struggle to set boundaries with and be detached with before.
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Old 07-31-2013, 03:59 PM
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First of all you are right he did switch addictions.

Secondly don,t let his actions jade your perception of A.A that kind of behaviour is not condoned in A.A.People will do what they are going to do no matter what others say.



Originally Posted by Ledbutt75 View Post
Hi everyone
This is my first time posting. I have an alcoholic husband who went thru rehab 18 mos ago and is supposedly still sober. I say supposedly for many reasons.

He "left" me and our 2 children about 3 months ago saying he could not live with my anger any longer. Within a week he was dating a girl in AA who was 26, and sober less than a year. He is 41. Clearly my 'anger' was the excuse. He moved in with this girl within a month, went on vacation with her while leaving me with the family to support emotionally and financially. And 3 weeks ago he supposedly broke things off w girl and wants his family back.

I refer to what he did as 13th stepping. It makes me think less of AA and the people he shares his feelings with at these meetings - and not trust him at all - my way of supporting him was to make it so he could always go to a meeting ... And he used it to date?

Prior to all of this I felt he was slipping in his sobriety. He was acting more and more moody, compulsive, distant - all things he did while drinking. Part of me thinks he just switched addictions.

I don't trust him, yet I am not willing to fully give up on our family with 2 young children. Not sure if counseling will save us.

Any insight is greatly appreciated.
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Old 07-31-2013, 04:35 PM
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Originally Posted by Ledbutt75 View Post
. . . . and wants his family back.
People in Hell want ice water . . . .

I refer to what he did as 13th stepping.
A common and understood label.

It makes me think less of AA
This may seem strange, but it sort of makes me think more of AA.

You familiar with Orange? Here is a sample on Bill W and his behaviors along the lines of your hubby >>>

The Other Women

So Bill W is a typical lying douche bag A.

See if Bill W were NOT a typical lying douche bag A . . . all the addicts would worship him (they are addicts, after all, and some still try to worship Bill W, anyway), but since it is obvious to most anyone with any functioning brain cells left, that Bill W was a typical lying douche bag A -- that Bill W and his path is NOT the path to follow.

The path to follow is God. That is covered in Step 11. If Step 11 happens, Step 13 does not. Praise God.

I don't trust him, yet I am not willing to fully give up on our family with 2 young children.
You still have your family. Same as you have had during the month hubby was gone. Let's count: 1, 2 kids + you = 3. You had and still have 3 in your family.

Not sure if counseling will save us.
Not sure if counseling will either.

God can and will if He is sought, but then again, maybe He already has saved you and the kids from hubby.

If I may be so bold as to ask . . . Just what WILL it take for you to get rid of this piece of sh1t, anyway?


Any insight is greatly appreciated.
Lulu will probably be along in not too long with her Great Big Knife to cut off your hubby's d1ck. Metaphorically speaking, of course.
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Old 07-31-2013, 04:46 PM
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LedBut, perhaps a legal seperation would be the best solution, right now---It would give you time to work on yourself and to see how you feel about the marriage. Marriage counceling is almost universally considered useless unless the drinking is out of the picture.

Living with active alcoholism and the stress and conflict that comes with it is very damaging to the children. They are better off with one sane, sober, and calm parent.

I would consult a lawyer about what separation entails and find an alanon meeting--ASAP.

dandylion
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Old 07-31-2013, 06:24 PM
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Not sure where you are in faith, but recommendation is to pray and wait for God to answer it.

Keep in mind 'no' is also an answer.

Infidelity is an act of brokenness and he not only acted against God and you, he did it against your kids.

His addiction helped to lead him there, but as with all of this, it was his choice.

I pray for your family's healing: physically, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually.
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Old 07-31-2013, 06:30 PM
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My experience, many people use AA as a dating tool.
In the first week of my ex going to AA, he was wearing nice clothes etc and when I got into his email, I see he was sexing up all kinds of AA women.
It's VERY common in AA.
These people are sick and relate to each other so they bond.

Personally, I think meetings need to have separate meeting for men and women
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Old 07-31-2013, 07:22 PM
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You can wring the alcohol out of an asshat and all you have left is a sober asshat.

Character issues are character issues. Trust is an essential part of a relationship and I would be very wary about a cheater.

My husband cheated and I gave him another chance after he groveled and begged. It was a mistake as he cheated again... that tore it and leaving him was the smartest thing I ever did! My kids are grateful today as he is still a loser!

Can your husband change his character? Yes... but only through an honest, authentic program and sounds like he is a looooong way from that right now. And if he does become a person of integrity, honor and trustworthy it will take time and you will know that he is a different person.

Time is your friend... it will reveal much. Keep him distant and watch his actions...
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Old 07-31-2013, 08:10 PM
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I am sorry you are going thru this & think i can relate to your emotions. I certainly have had my heartache in a similar situation! What I learned is my XABF has serious character flaws! He is responsible for the horrible choices! He made them Over & Over! He came back over and over! Sadly I am responsible for teaching him he could treat me this way! i hope you will be strong enough to make better decisions for yourself & children than I did!

My XABF is in no better shape today & same crappy behavior! It's pitful and the truth is he is a loser! His choice! My guess your husband hasn't changed or he wouldn't have been so selfish in his behavior/choices! In my experience if the thinking doesn't change then the actions don't change. End result is still a drunk! Gosh that sounds horrible! Sorry!

I hope I am wrong & certainly could be but be careful and think this thru carefully!
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Old 07-31-2013, 08:19 PM
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Thank you all for your insight on my post. While I do understand he could have found someone to cheat with in a bar, work etc., to me doing it thru AA was kind of like the therapist who hits on his patients in my mind (:

I am going to alanon when I can (which is challenging with 2 kids and a job)and reading the literature online which helps. It is about me and the kids. I appreciate everyone's support.

I think what I am learning the most is being 'sober' is that you have to do a lot more than not drink. So really, my alcoholic never made it into recovery.
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