Crazed

Just this weekend a friend of mine who has AA experience told me-

"Two sickies don't make a wellie."

To me, anyone who dates that meets in rehab, AA, etc, are in for a doomed relationship.

AlcoholicLove

WOW!!
So this Bill W. that members of AA look up to and worship, was a cheater, mean to his wife(s) and chased new young female members, lied repeatedly, had an addiction to sex and so much more....

That may be why they are what they are...They're just doing what old Bill W did..
Hey, it's not their fault..Bill W makes them do it...

Carlotta

Actually here is a statistic from the site which applies to all men What it means is that whether he is an alcoholic or not, your next boyfriend/husband is 74% likely to cheat if he knows you will not catch him.

legna

That depends on her man picker. The healthier we get the healthier our choices get.

Lulu39

Yeah and it's a blunt knife...

I don't understand why you would want him back

As far as I know, my XAH didn't cheat, I do have proof of him spending hundreds of dollars phoning prostitutes the same night he left this house and that's cheating to me. We were still married and he called hookers = cheating *******. It seems dirty and cheap and scummy and gross to me. And he did it again the first night he had the kids. He put the final nail in his coffin for me.

Your AH left you with two kids and shacked up with a **** buddy for three months. Doesn't that feel like cheating to you? It seems dirty and cheap and scummy and gross to me. Do you really want someone who would do THAT as your partner in life?

FlyerFan

Don't judge AA as a whole based on your husbands bad choices. That behavior is highly discouraged by people in the program. (at least where I come from it is) but it is not uncommon for people to do it anyway. We're alcoholics, our brains tell us to do crazy things.

Protect yourself and your kids. He will only change when he is truly ready to. Some of us never get it and we keep screwing around our whole lives. Others just take a very long time to get it.

Seren

First, let me say how sorry I am that your husband cheated. My ex-husband cheated on me, and I have never experienced a greater pain or betrayal in my life.

I have never been to an AA meeting....but I have been to Al-Anon meetings. I understand that organizationally speaking, they work roughly the same way. It is all about peer support--there is no professional psychologist, psychiatrist, or social worker who leads the group, talks to and counsels the members. Members with more time and more progress in their recovery mentor the newer members.

What that means to me is that everyone in the group either is or has been just as sick as the rest. To me, that has always been helpful because I know that the people in those meetings understand what I am going through.

There are many, many active alcoholics who have never and will never cheat on their spouses or significant others. There are people who have never had a problem with alcohol or drugs who are serial cheaters. In my humble opinion, the location matters not.

If a spouse cheats with someone at work, is it the fault of the company?
If a spouse cheats with another parent at the little league game, is it the fault of the league?
If a spouse cheats while on a guys night out, is it the fault of his friends?

No, it is the sole responsibility of the person who did the cheating. I am sorry for your pain and hope for brighter days ahead for you and your children!

FlyerFan

You got it sister! Lol. And that is why it is so helpful to me, because even people with 20-30 years sober are still just as messed up as I am. :P we all kind of take turns wrangling each other.

dandylion

Crazed----I love this: "Two sickies don't make a wellie"


I want to borrow it!!!!!!!!!!!


dandylion


I can think of soooo many situations where this fits.

LexieCat

I'd agree, so far as meeting in rehab or early in sobriety. OTOH, I know many, many couples who have met in AA after being fully recovered and have GREAT relationships. Of course, such people are not the ones cheating on their spouses. People who have fully recovered in AA can be pretty healthy people, as long as they continue with their maintenance step work.

Crazed

Dandy- borrow at will
Lexie- yes, I would also agree to add the caveat of "in early recovery"

choublak

I see cheating as a separate issue from alcoholism. I know too many cheating non-alcoholics, and all the alcoholics I've known have been 100% focused on drinking or trying to "control" their drinking, no physical or mental energy left to even flirt, much less carry on affairs.

new beginnings

I have wanted to ask my ah to take random std tests. I haven't. There have been so many lies. My ah lies about insignificant things and big things alike. I have a feeling there have been affairs. He cheated in his first wife many times. But how do you know if they are cheating. I don't know if it my paranoia or my gut telling me.

NWGRITS

In my experience, once a cheater, always a cheater. It may not always be physical, but my stance is that anything extracurricular involving emotions or acts that should only be between spouses is cheating. I caught my husband sexting with another woman two months ago. I was livid, but he was genuinely mortified. Granted, she never sent anything back other than an "lol" or "really?", and he said he just wanted to see how easy it would be to get a married/committed woman to engage in that kind of activity. His ex-wife slept with everything breathing that had a penis. We talked about it. A lot. In the end, I really do believe he was curious and meant no harm, but now a part of me still startled whenever his phone starts going off. He knows my trust has been broken and if it was a genuine test, it will show itself in time. I've been cheated on a few times, and this didn't resemble those instances at all (he was honest beyond what I really wanted to hear. Blech. Lol). But still... Do we codies and ACoA do PTSD well or what?

NWGRITS

Get yourself tested and always use condoms. Or just abstain altogether. Been there, done that, took the antibiotics to prove it. You can't force him to get tested, but you can be proactive about your own health.

Hopeworks

Why play Russian roulette with a cheater? Testing yourself for STD's because he is a cheating no good dog??? Some of that stuff doesn't go away with antibiotics and is for life or even life threatening.

Knowing my weakness for the Don Juan's I have experienced plenty of that stuff myself and have also had to have a round of antibiotics...once I confirm they are roaming dogs I snatch the leash up and throwthem out on the curb. I don't give a glance back.... easy peasy.

Now...if they just drank themselves into idiocy I USED to go into intense codie rescue mode because surely he was Prince Charming!

Now I have ruled out all alcoholics and cheaters and that leaves a teeny, timy small percentage of male human beings that could even get into the dating pool of possibilities. Now we cut out all the smokers and the pool shrinks some more. The bone lazy, unemployed have to go too.

Looks like its the single life for me! LOL.

Hopeworks

While there may be some who "worship" Bill W there are many that do not and condemn such behavior in ALL of society.

Bill W. was a very broken man and his becoming sober did not turn him into a saint or perfect human being but who he was as a drunk and who he became sober were light years apart.

My XAH was a cheater and never went to AA or NA and he still uses drugs and alcohol and still cheats so obviously that doesn't work either for character issues.

My Pastor cheated with the church secretary and I didn't blame God. We have had many presidents who cheated and so being elected by a country of citizens doesn't insulate the wives from slinking creepy behavior from husbands.

I'd say cheating has been very widespread and been going on for century after century and will keep going on until the end of time and surprisingly AA meetings do not seem to be magic pixie dust that cures marital ills if someone warms a chair in a room.

AnvilheadII

While I do understand he could have found someone to cheat with in a bar, work etc., to me doing it thru AA was kind of like the therapist who hits on his patients in my mind (:

yeah except cruising AA for chicks is a lot cheaper cuz you don't have to buy them drinks.

all the AA and sober talk aside....he deliberately and while not under the influence of any substances hooked up with another female, LEFT you and moved in WITH her. what are your boundaries around a cheating spouse? IS that a forgivable act? is that at any time for any reason acceptable to YOU? and now that things bombed out with the chickadee he wants to come HOME? at what point does he forgo the RIGHT to still call it HOME? he walked out on a wife and two kids.........

NYCDoglvr

Hey, I'm in AA and can tell you the advice all sponsors give the newly sober is "no relationships in the first year". But this is advice and your husband will do whatever he wants. Blaming AA is like blaming Weight Watchers because you meet someone at a meeting and decide to binge.

So you want him back after the way he's acted? I hope you don't think it will be better than it was before. Codependents have their own issues: like alcoholics we also suffer from denial and justification. Alanon is a good place to talk about issues like these. He's unfaithful and will be again.

new beginnings

How did y'all know he was cheating? I can't constantly go to be tested and then continue to be intimate. If I am not intimate, than if he hast cheated, I would imagine that would be a reason to if he is not being satisfied at home. Two thirds of me wants to walk out the door but there is still that one third that wants to be with him if he can be healthy. But cheating is a deal breaker! How do you find out or how do you know for sure?