living on pins
 

Hi, Im new here but have a years worth of experience having an alcoholic boyfriend. We are not speaking at the moment because he's been announcing to family and me that he isnt drinking anymore starting on days which change to the next day, and the next and so on.
He's been an alcoholic for years, went to aa, was sober for 5 years and when we met he was sober. He then started drinking at weekends, then everyday and we split up earlier this year due to his secretive behaviour and all the usual traits that come with it. Six weeks went by and he messaged me saying he couldnt live without me, and was down to one can a night. He opened up to me and things were great for a long while till recently. the amount crept up and crept up, and he talked about stopping for weeks. His most recent stop day was monday...he had a small amount when he got in from work but did really well the rest of the night-his normal self. Tuesday he bought beer, and when i (nicely) challenged him about it he went crazy shouting (before he'd drank anything) and insisting it was his problem that only affected him, and after a while sent me packing.
Ive told him hes not treating me like that and now of course im getting the silent treatment-ive not contacted him i might add.
Im his rock, he cant live without me and all the rest of it...but he cant stop drinking so i feel that its easier for him to blame me and get me out the picture so he can have his cosy nights in with his beer. What girl in their right mind would settle for that?

No one should have to settle for that kind of treatment. Yet, so many of us have for our own various reasons. If I had a crystal ball the day of my wedding and it showed me what my life would be like today, I would have run for the hills and never looked back. Just my experience..

We are not in our "right mind" when dealing with an active Alcoholic. We get caught up in their lies, their fantasies. We take on their blaming, etc.
He is trying hard to "control" his addiction...that will fail every time. He can't control it by deciding to drink on certain days only, drink pre-determined amounts only, drink certain types of alcohol. Addiction is Addiction. Alcoholism is progressive...he will only get worse if he doesn't get into true recovery. His thinking that it only affects him is bull, it affects everyone around him. But that's part of his denial.
There is nothing you can do about his drinking, or his denial. But you CAN decide what you want for YOUR life. I'm assuming from your post you don't live together. You are still free to make healthy choices for yourself. You're only a year in, not a long time when you look at the big picture of your life. He sent you packing....that's a gift. I would suggest you stay gone...and focus on you. You deserve a healthy partner that can put you and your relationship first, that won't happen with an A. Alcohol will always be first.

No we don't live together-there's been a lot of talk on his part about moving in together as soon as possible but I've not committed to it because of his drinking...I have children who I have to put first..it would be out of the question at the moment. Right now I am determined not to reply when he finally realises what an awesome girlfriend he's lost for the 2nd time. As i left i said i wasn't going back this time. I do deserve better but i know right now im angry and hurt but my worry is how strong my resolve will be when im missing him and sad.

Having an alcoholic boyfriend is so draining.

Those are the words he uses to keep you hooked. Makes you feel empowered and needed by him.

That's what happens and will continue to happen when you try and get between an alcholic and his booze.

An un-healty minded girl, a codependent and someone who needs to focus on their own issues of low self esteem.

Oh yes. The I-hate-your-guts-you-fat-b**ch-I-can't-live-without-you spiel. It gets old fast.

Not contacting him and not taking his calls, texts, e-mails, FB messages, etc., sounds like a healthy plan.

Holy Moly. Where you married to my AH too?

That's so true.

I remember throwing good money after every single new FANTASTIC idea my XAH ever had: a new career, a new Uni course, a new vocational course, "if only I could have that amazing new keyboard my life would be awesome" - I bought it :gaah He would give sermons almost on how all our problems would be solved if only he could have XYZ or if only I would "let him" do XYZ e.g quit another job, buy that guitar.

"I want to be a gardener"
"I want to be a chef - I'm a SERIOUS cook!"
"I need to go back to music"
"I'm starting this FANTASTIC new business, I can work from home!" X 2 - DON'T EVER FALL FOR THAT ONE PEOPLE! We know why they like to work from home, right? ;)
"I hafta quit this excellent job to go and run a bar for these people who have promised they will never **** me over because they know I have a wife and two kids" :lmao

I fell for it. Every single time. :omfg:

And if you translate the statements he made in drunklish (above) what he was really saying was:

"Dang, I've burned more bridges. These people I'm working for have worked out that I'm a useless drunk who can't be relied on for anything. They've seen through my bullsh!t. I need to find something else to do which will allow me to drink and drug for a while, until I get caught being a lazy, drunken, liar again".

transformmyself....I remember reading that a while ago and love it!!!

atalose,
Thank you for that quote.
It is FABULOUS.
Love it. I may have to make it my tagline.
MamaKit

Wow, our situations are so similar. Here's the thing: my ABF does keep realizing what he stands to lose, and he's EXTREMELY TERRIFIED about it. And constantly apologizing, and begging my forgiveness, and telling me I am the love of his life, etc. etc. And HE STILL KEEPS DRINKING. Because alcoholism is bigger than love. And until he changes for himself, nothing will change. TRUST ME. Take care of yourself and your children. That's where love IS enough.

I cant even say it was good while it lasted. I am moving on from his sorry ass and finding me a man who treats me right without all this BS and lies, empty promises, snarly comments, self pity, etc etc. I deserve far better :)