transformyself

Any arm chair analysts out there want to take a stab at this?

AH has been "not drinking" again. He got pulled over and has to go to court for driving w/out a license. It was revoked more that 17 years ago for speeding, accidents and three DWI in a row. He's never getting it back.

But my vent here is about his "criteria" for basically everything that needs to be done. I think he may be OCD or something, and drinks to deal with his total freak outs when **** doesn't go his way.

Or, he could just be a insane. I know I am after living with him all this time.

So he's headed out to run errands, and I asked him to please pick something up from the pharmacy. He looks at me with his eyes bulging out like he can't believe what I'm saying. "I'll try, I'll do my best, but I've got a lot to do."

Seriously? this happens all the ******* time. i just don't get it. I've never seen anything like it, never known anyone who is this tightly wound. I used to give a rats ass about how he felt, but the last year or so I've just been trying to navigate around him. It's really crazy making stuff.

If I ask him to do anything, anything at all that he's not "planned for," it's a nightmare. It's like he's impaired or something. God I'm so mad right now!~

I was going to spray some industrial strength car cleaner stuff on a swarm of earwigs outside, and he freaked out because that's not the intended use of the product. "I want to use that on the car," he said. I told him I would barely use any.

He doesn't share. Anything. Ever. He's really mad at me because I"m using our sons rolling luggage to store my supplies for my cigar box purses, because it's our DS's and not mine. But my son doesn't freaking care and isn't using it.

Now, about me. I know I need to let go of this crap, and do on a regular basis, but today it's really pissing me off . Probably because it's his day off and I will have to deal with him all day long.

And probably because I"m not actively focusing on myself and what I need to do. I've learned so much from you good folks, and what comes to mind now is that I should not be expecting him to behave rationally. It's just hard to disentangle while still living together.

Speaking of which, my oldest son and I are looking for duplexes This makes me very very happy.

Florence

My STBXAH, drunk or sober, thought a full day was a day in which he ran one errand. The rest of the day could have been spent on the couch, screwing around on his phone, in and out smoking cigarettes. But he emptied the dishwasher and went to the bank, so I need to back off. I chalk it up to a maturity thing.

fedupbeyondall

My AH thinks I should fall to my knees and worship him when he cooks dinner. Never mind the fact that the kitchen is now a disaster that I will have to clean up, or the fact that he doesn't have a job at the moment and the laundry isn't done, or the bathroom not cleaned or the bed not made. All of which I get to do if I want it done. But yes honey, you cooking dinner is certainly praise worthy. Would you like me to feed you grapes while you lounge on the couch for the next 8 hours getting s**t faced? And may the Gods have mercy upon my soul if I ask him to take the trash out, ya know, the trash bag that's been sitting by the door for two days because I don't have time to take it between getting up at 4:30 to take the bus so he will have the car, getting ready for work and taking the dogs out for their morning walk..........

fedupbeyondall

So, no Transform, you aren't the only one with a crazy AH.

fedupbeyondall

Ok I just went back and re-read this..http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...collector.html

The fact of the matter is, they are selfish and feel their tasks or errands are the priority regardless of anyone elses needs to wants.

Sorry, didn't mean to hijack your thread, I guess this kind of disrespect if more of a trigger for me than I thought.

LexieCat

OMG, Florence, that is freakin' HYSTERICAL. I STILL count my successes that way, a lot. Really sucks having all these "things to do"--and so MANY of them simply DON'T STAY DONE. Sheesh, I cleaned up the kitchen last week, why should I have to do it again? It's not FAIR!!

HopefulmomtoD

I'm curious- how is he running errands if he has no license and ability to drive?

ichabod

My RAH has OCD. He has a very difficult time deviating from his plans. If he has decided he is going to 3 places and I suggest a 4th, it really throws him off. If he is planning to mow the yard on Saturday and it rains, it takes him a while to replan the weekend so he can accomplish what he wants. Reordering and prioritizing are difficult for him.

I don't think it has anything to do with the alcoholism. It is the OCD.

wicked

Of course, it is impossible to disentangle.
It is good practice to disengage and detach.
Hard work there, I know.

Hmmm, I think you are doing great transform.
I also think you have come MILES from where you were.

Hang in there, put the focus on you and find a duplex!

He is an immature control freak.
Ridiculous point of argument when you think about it,
but I do understand feeling defensive, and then getting mad about that!
Oh yes, been down that road many a time.
He is acting reflexively with his coping tools.
They do not work for him or you, but he will continue until
he actively searches out recovery and not white knuckling for a few days.

You keep doing what you need to do for you.
I am so happy for you, and hope you get away soon.
So, he can stop interrupting your progress with his illness.

Beth

wicked

Yes! Me too!

Geez, you mean I have to continue, and keep up with new stuff?!?!



I must find this Florence, so I can print it out.

"the things never end"

Florence

"What am I? Some kind of wizard????"

Wizards make the bed every day.

fedup3

My xah would bite my head off if I asked him to do anything until I got to the point I just never asked him anymore and just did it myself. So, when I divorced him I was afraid I couldn't manage taking care of everything myself until it hit me "I'VE BEEN DOING IT MYSELF TO YEARS!"

fedup3

Oh by the way, I love your chart Florence!

lizatola

Yeah, I liked what Florence posted as well. It reminds me of my AH who likes to talk about how hard he works all week and sacrifices all week to earn a living FOR US. Well, I know he works hard.....when he actually works but if you count up the hours he works in a week he manages to do a full time job in about 15-20 hours a week.

My mother is always aghast when she comes to visit, when my AH starts complaining about having no time or having so much work to do, then he'd come out of his office at 11 AM and turn on Foxnews and sit there for the rest of the day and maybe take a call in the afternoon. She'd look at me, while we were busy in the kitchen or something and she'd give me this look like, "What the heck does he whine about so much?" Quite frankly, my AH has it made. He works from home, gets up when he wants, walks around in his boxers all day, makes a few phone calls, sends a few emails, calms down 1 or 2 customers here and there, and then goes to play tennis for a few hours, and then goes to the steam room, sauna, and whirlpool, and then comes home and turns on the TV. Whenever he whines about having no time for anything(ahem, like AA or counseling appointments) I have to walk out of the room.

As for the OCD thing, I think that's one of MY issues. All part of my control aspects and I have to work very hard to be flexible and accommodating even when I have everything planned out. Both my AH and I are like this but I know that it's a place for improvement for me.

Jazzman

Sounds like his plan is working? Driving you insane that is...

Sounds like a good plan for you and you son

lillamy

Yup. Being an adult sucks. But if you want a mother, not a wife, you should move back in with your parents. Period.

Dublin

Feeling so at home here on this thread reading these posts. My RA had a melt down last night because he had prepared dinner, kids had set table and I came home from work and took a glass out to pour myself some water he shouts 'what are you doing' I explain I'm getting a drink of water and he yells that there is a glass set for me on the table that he is trying to do everything nice and I'm ruining it now by taking out another glass! You couldn't make it up. It's crazy making. Thing that puzzles me is he keeps it in check in front of others e.g. In other people's houses I can see stuff they are doing is making him crazy but he holds it together but at home I use the wrong glass for friggin water and he losses it so it is selective same as the anger/rage/blame directed and selective. Good to know I'm not alone though. (ps re chart Florence am I supposed to make the beds EVERY day - shees what's with that!)

transformyself

Oh God thank the Heavens for you people.

Immature control freak. Perfect.
What, am I suppose to be some kind of magician? Yes.
It is the OCD! I knew it. It operates outside of the usual alcoholic stuff, I tell ya.

PurpleWilder

Yeah, my XAH once got into an argument with me over where cheese goes in the fridge. And apparently he has a fixation on whether silverware goes eating side up or eating side down on the the dishwasher. Oh, and don't ever walk away from the microwave with time left on the timer - you MUST clear it out or there will be a rip in the space/time continuum and all will be lost.....

transformyself

Ok so today is so much worse. He's off work and up and cheerfully setting agendas for everyone and trying to deligate jobs to the kids. You know, trying to engage as a parent.

We're all staring at him in disbelief and anger. I can see it in the kids, which unfortunately validates my initial reaction too. When I took some time to think about it, for me at least, it boils down to resentment.

He regularly tells me what he "really" thinks about me. So when he's nice, I want to laugh in his face and tell him to go **** himself.

He's been drunk outside for years, I mean years, while the kids and I are in the house doing you know, living things, so when he tries to engage with us we are leery and angry and confused.

My plan for the day: keep working towards getting out of here. Stay positive. Not sure how successful I'll be, but hey it's worth a shot. The old way of just seething in resentment and wishing he would die just doesn't work any more.