AH is nutz
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 407
Good grief!
I am married to one that is almost identical. Clothes must go in the closet in a specific order, and I also don't dare to ask him to do anything outside his realm of normal duties. He can roll his eyes better than our 16 year old daughter. Today, I could see the anger brewing after he VOLUNTEERED tomake a pot luck dish for my daughter. He finally had her near tears before I told him that he could eat his damned spaghetti sauce himself; I would buy sub sandwiches for her party. I then took her to the community pool so that she could see her friends and leave the guilt trip he was laying on her. As usual, he was asleep when we got home, but woke up after about half an hour. Everything was fine an dandy now... but I'm a b..ch because I can't let things go.
I am so tired of playing this game. I start back to work next week, (as a teacher), and I anticipate a lot of long days. Transform, I don't know how you stay positive. I am struggling with that myself.
I am married to one that is almost identical. Clothes must go in the closet in a specific order, and I also don't dare to ask him to do anything outside his realm of normal duties. He can roll his eyes better than our 16 year old daughter. Today, I could see the anger brewing after he VOLUNTEERED tomake a pot luck dish for my daughter. He finally had her near tears before I told him that he could eat his damned spaghetti sauce himself; I would buy sub sandwiches for her party. I then took her to the community pool so that she could see her friends and leave the guilt trip he was laying on her. As usual, he was asleep when we got home, but woke up after about half an hour. Everything was fine an dandy now... but I'm a b..ch because I can't let things go.
I am so tired of playing this game. I start back to work next week, (as a teacher), and I anticipate a lot of long days. Transform, I don't know how you stay positive. I am struggling with that myself.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by PurpleDurple 
Yeah, my XAH once got into an argument with me over where cheese goes in the fridge. And apparently he has a fixation on whether silverware goes eating side up or eating side down on the the dishwasher. Oh, and don't ever walk away from the microwave with time left on the timer - you MUST clear it out or there will be a rip in the space/time continuum and all will be lost.....
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: sitting down and facing front
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by transformyself
He's been drunk outside for years, I mean years, while the kids and I are in the house doing you know, living things, so when he tries to engage with us we are leery and angry and confused.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I think I have the answers now.
You're welcome Missus.
Update:
Youngest DS and I spent the night at my sisters house. Before we left, AH came home, made feeble attempts at groveling. I think he realizes the jig is up as well. We use to fight for days. No wait, we fought for YEARS. I just don't do it anymore and I would imagine it's no fun for him.
He can't play out his game of being "bad," and enduring the punishment of me getting angry and pouting and yelling at him, then us making up for, oh a few days or weeks. Gross.
So, I keep praying and working on myself. I come here and read and wonder, WHAT THE **** IS KEEPING ME IN THIS RELATIONSHIP?? Seriously people, this is absolutely insane. It's been so damn long. I'm not in love with him, I can barely stand to be in the same room with him.
I think I've broken through that wall. Yesterday, two women I respect immensely called me to announce they were going to help me. Free therapy and strategizing. Amazing. I called this, begged for it. Thank you Creator.
And just now, another friend invited me over to weed out my Linked In account and help me formally file my 501 (c) 4. Yay!!!
I am working on a 90 day plan to get out. When I had my newspaper, we published quarterly so I am already familiar with a three month deadline. Feels great. Not scary at all. More manageable.
I don't know which planets have aligned in order for me to hear what I need to, and do what I should, but I'm so thankful. I feel empowered. I AM SO GRATEFUL
I'm also keenly aware of the self criticism that goes on in my head. I hear it loud and clear. I've been working on a visual: when I realize I'm saying horrible things to myself, I SEE it in my mind, the word. like this
FAILURE
then I see it dissolving and being replaced with
SUCCESS
LOVED
CONFIDENT
ORGANIZED
Maybe this works because I"m a writer. Maybe it's the planetary alignment.
Also, I am also very much aware that being in this house with AH puts me into absolute distress. I am in survival mode. The most important thing is to STAY DETACHED and STAY NC with him.
I can't do anything OTHER than survive in this state. I can barely feed myself and do the laundry. I've been barely functioning for months now. I'm SO ready to be done with this!!!
And I"m excited.
to one and all here. Peace, Transformy
Update:
Youngest DS and I spent the night at my sisters house. Before we left, AH came home, made feeble attempts at groveling. I think he realizes the jig is up as well. We use to fight for days. No wait, we fought for YEARS. I just don't do it anymore and I would imagine it's no fun for him.
He can't play out his game of being "bad," and enduring the punishment of me getting angry and pouting and yelling at him, then us making up for, oh a few days or weeks. Gross.
So, I keep praying and working on myself. I come here and read and wonder, WHAT THE **** IS KEEPING ME IN THIS RELATIONSHIP?? Seriously people, this is absolutely insane. It's been so damn long. I'm not in love with him, I can barely stand to be in the same room with him.
I think I've broken through that wall. Yesterday, two women I respect immensely called me to announce they were going to help me. Free therapy and strategizing. Amazing. I called this, begged for it. Thank you Creator.
And just now, another friend invited me over to weed out my Linked In account and help me formally file my 501 (c) 4. Yay!!!
I am working on a 90 day plan to get out. When I had my newspaper, we published quarterly so I am already familiar with a three month deadline. Feels great. Not scary at all. More manageable.
I don't know which planets have aligned in order for me to hear what I need to, and do what I should, but I'm so thankful. I feel empowered. I AM SO GRATEFUL
I'm also keenly aware of the self criticism that goes on in my head. I hear it loud and clear. I've been working on a visual: when I realize I'm saying horrible things to myself, I SEE it in my mind, the word. like this
FAILURE
then I see it dissolving and being replaced with
SUCCESS
LOVED
CONFIDENT
ORGANIZED
Maybe this works because I"m a writer. Maybe it's the planetary alignment.
Also, I am also very much aware that being in this house with AH puts me into absolute distress. I am in survival mode. The most important thing is to STAY DETACHED and STAY NC with him.
I can't do anything OTHER than survive in this state. I can barely feed myself and do the laundry. I've been barely functioning for months now. I'm SO ready to be done with this!!!
And I"m excited.
to one and all here. Peace, Transformy
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
So far not feeling very successful or peaceful. It's really had to not snap at him. He's asking me stupid questions right now, so I"m moving away from him.
The most important thing is how it affects me. Makes me so freaking anxious. I honestly am stunned by the impact his rages and drinking have on me. It's like war!
The most important thing is how it affects me. Makes me so freaking anxious. I honestly am stunned by the impact his rages and drinking have on me. It's like war!
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Ok here's how I handled that although I have no idea if it's the right way or not
AH wasn't taking my subtle hints so I went outside and said, "Listen, you probably aren't aware of this, but because you get drunk and rage at me and then try to justify it by blaming me, I have diarrhea when you're around. I'm in a massive state of anxiety and the only thing that matters to me is getting away from you. Please leave me alone."
I also told him that if he comes home with or starts drinking beer we are all leaving. I actually have bags packed. How can he live with himself? I just want him to leave me alone. I am leaving right now with youngest DS to spend time with the puppies.
AH wasn't taking my subtle hints so I went outside and said, "Listen, you probably aren't aware of this, but because you get drunk and rage at me and then try to justify it by blaming me, I have diarrhea when you're around. I'm in a massive state of anxiety and the only thing that matters to me is getting away from you. Please leave me alone."
I also told him that if he comes home with or starts drinking beer we are all leaving. I actually have bags packed. How can he live with himself? I just want him to leave me alone. I am leaving right now with youngest DS to spend time with the puppies.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: nh
Posts: 339
Boy do I remember the not shareing and the OCD with my xabf! 10 years of him going behind me in the kitchen picking up tools I was still using, and washing them! And when I had cleaned up after dinner he went after me and cleaned up again! Telling me if I had done it right he wouldn't have to do it over! On his day off he had lists of chores to accomplish and sang at the top of his lungs while doing them. The list all got done weather it was simple as lawn mowing or adding on to a deck, it had to be completed by beer thirty! So no the deck looked bad because of the rushing! And the not shareing? One thing comes to mind...he had a drawer in the kitchen full of batteries...we had 4 kids in the house...always a fight about HIS batteries. And HIS snacks.. People would say how lucky I was to have a man who cooked and cleaned and shopped but it was a curse! Because it was all just to pass the time til he could reward himself for a hard days work, or if he didn't like the way things looked, or someone had trespassed or stolen from him it was a "big F You" and an excuse to get bombed...every night! Not to mention what it does for a womans self esteem or what it does to kids in that environment! I put up with it but not without kicking and screaming the whole time! Turns out he must have been just as unhappy with the situation because he got a girlfriend...so in the past 5 years since I moved out, he has been married, divorced and is engaged again! Good luck to you...you and your kid(s?) will be so much happier when you get out of that situation!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 55
Originally Posted by transformyself
But my vent here is about his "criteria" for basically everything that needs to be done. I think he may be OCD or something, and drinks to deal with his total freak outs when **** doesn't go his way.
Or, he could just be a insane. I know I am after living with him all this time.
So he's headed out to run errands, and I asked him to please pick something up from the pharmacy. He looks at me with his eyes bulging out like he can't believe what I'm saying. "I'll try, I'll do my best, but I've got a lot to do."
Seriously? this happens all the ******* time. i just don't get it. I've never seen anything like it, never known anyone who is this tightly wound. I used to give a rats ass about how he felt, but the last year or so I've just been trying to navigate around him. It's really crazy making stuff.
Speaking of which, my oldest son and I are looking for duplexes This makes me very very happy.
Or, he could just be a insane. I know I am after living with him all this time.
So he's headed out to run errands, and I asked him to please pick something up from the pharmacy. He looks at me with his eyes bulging out like he can't believe what I'm saying. "I'll try, I'll do my best, but I've got a lot to do."
Seriously? this happens all the ******* time. i just don't get it. I've never seen anything like it, never known anyone who is this tightly wound. I used to give a rats ass about how he felt, but the last year or so I've just been trying to navigate around him. It's really crazy making stuff.
Speaking of which, my oldest son and I are looking for duplexes
This makes me very very happy.My husband is diagnosed OCD, anxiety and flips the heck outover the most ridiculous stuff. I am trying to figure out what came first - the alcoholism or the OCD, and in my mind the alcoholism brought it all on. This is NOT the man I fell for 17 years ago, or even 12 years ago.... Things just get wierd around him. Wierd.
I Don't know if I can afford a duplex on my own, but a nice townhouse with a double tandem garage is completely do-able.
Congrats on your self realization and forward thinking - it is a tremendous skill.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Wow.
yes, that. And this too!
But this:
is SO FREAKING RIGHT ON!!!
omg thank you everyone for sharing your stories and confirming my suspicions. Bottom line is that we should all be much much happier when we're divorced.
Boy do I remember the not shareing and the OCD with my xabf! 10 years of him going behind me in the kitchen picking up tools I was still using, and washing them! And when I had cleaned up after dinner he went after me and cleaned up again! Telling me if I had done it right he wouldn't have to do it over!
On his day off he had lists of chores to accomplish and sang at the top of his lungs while doing them. The list all got done weather it was simple as lawn mowing or adding on to a deck, it had to be completed by beer thirty! So no the deck looked bad because of the rushing! And the not shareing? One thing comes to mind...he had a drawer in the kitchen full of batteries...we had 4 kids in the house...always a fight about HIS batteries. And HIS snacks..
People would say how lucky I was to have a man who cooked and cleaned and shopped but it was a curse! Because it was all just to pass the time til he could reward himself for a hard days work, or if he didn't like the way things looked, or someone had trespassed or stolen from him it was a "big F You" and an excuse to get bombed...every night! Not to mention what it does for a womans self esteem or what it does to kids in that environment!
omg thank you everyone for sharing your stories and confirming my suspicions. Bottom line is that we should all be much much happier when we're divorced.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
LuvsVWs:
I was also wondering this recently. I think he's always had the OCD, but I think I also heard that alcoholic drinking really changes your brain chemistry, so that doesn't surprise me that it's getting worse. I know my AH sure is getting worse.
My husband is diagnosed OCD, anxiety and flips the heck outover the most ridiculous stuff. I am trying to figure out what came first - the alcoholism or the OCD, and in my mind the alcoholism brought it all on.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 407
My AH cooks and does the laundry as well. Of course, he is on disability and does not have any other real responsibilities. I was just thinking earlier this evening (before I read these posts) that I would rather eat franks and beans all week with someone that was pleasant, than the crab legs that were served to me tonight with an extra large dose of contempt.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, ca
Posts: 268
This thread is really enlightening for me. My ex-AB NEVER had enough time. I could not understood that. He worked like everyone else...but his "go to" line was, "i just don't have time to: pay taxes on time, clean house, get to appointments, call the bank, etc etc etc. I mean we are all busy; but for him, there was something terminally unique about his special circumstances. And I have to say, he still is like that 14 months sober. I never understood this odd view of time. But he had time to watch a movie every night. I never knew anyone like this. I am guessing this is another typical behavior unique to addicts?
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 80
Originally Posted by transformyself
Ok so today is so much worse. He's off work and up and cheerfully setting agendas for everyone and trying to deligate jobs to the kids. You know, trying to engage as a parent.
We're all staring at him in disbelief and anger. I can see it in the kids, which unfortunately validates my initial reaction too. When I took some time to think about it, for me at least, it boils down to resentment.
He regularly tells me what he "really" thinks about me. So when he's nice, I want to laugh in his face and tell him to go **** himself.
He's been drunk outside for years, I mean years, while the kids and I are in the house doing you know, living things, so when he tries to engage with us we are leery and angry and confused.
My plan for the day: keep working towards getting out of here. Stay positive. Not sure how successful I'll be, but hey it's worth a shot. The old way of just seething in resentment and wishing he would die just doesn't work any more.
We're all staring at him in disbelief and anger. I can see it in the kids, which unfortunately validates my initial reaction too. When I took some time to think about it, for me at least, it boils down to resentment.
He regularly tells me what he "really" thinks about me. So when he's nice, I want to laugh in his face and tell him to go **** himself.
He's been drunk outside for years, I mean years, while the kids and I are in the house doing you know, living things, so when he tries to engage with us we are leery and angry and confused.
My plan for the day: keep working towards getting out of here. Stay positive. Not sure how successful I'll be, but hey it's worth a shot. The old way of just seething in resentment and wishing he would die just doesn't work any more.
Sorry -- just saying I'm in the boat with you.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I was just thinking earlier this evening (before I read these posts) that I would rather eat franks and beans all week with someone that was pleasant, than the crab legs that were served to me tonight with an extra large dose of contempt.
And you know, inhisimage, I honestly believe that living with AH has put me in a state of absolute subconscious terror that it's immobilizing. Until we can SEE ourselves living a happy, healthy life, we stay.
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