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Old 07-31-2013, 12:25 AM
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RTR
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Lost

First post of my own here but having read a number of other threads in this part of the forum I feel confident enough to put it out there, share what I'm feeling and see what other FFA think. I can't go into too much detail as I know my partner is on this forum seeking support and guidance that is really helping the situation we find ourselves in.

My partner is relatively newly sober and is working hard at staying that way having sought all the help available and actively participating in a programme. All that has happened in the past is behind us as that is the only way to move forward. Transgressions have been forgiven (but cant' be forgotten yet) and I try to maintain a positive attitude to our future but it is becoming increasingly difficult.

My partner seems to have no desire to do anything, constantly complaining of being bored or boring, hardly ever leaving the house, making plans to be active or do jobs then never bothering preferring instead to lay in bed or surf the net.

I understand this is a long, painful process and one I need to be part of if we are to survive as a couple. However, I feel it's me doing all the work to keep us and our family and household functioning. The slow decline into alcoholism has taken a while with other long term factors helping to unravel what we had.

I try my very best to be as supportive, loving and understanding as I can. I value what we have more than life itself but sometimes get so desperate to have a 'normal' life. I know our life will never be that but is it too much to ask for the simple pleasures sharing your life with someone should bring ?

I spend so much time alone even though we are in the same house it breaks my heart that my once vibrant, funny, engaging partner seems so empty now. The person I fell in love with is still there and alcohol was not the influencing factor when we met so I do know the real person I've devoted my life to, I just want to see more of them and I'll wait as long as it takes. It doesn't stop me hurting, crying, feeling helpless to do anything about the situation but if I don't have hope then I really don't have anything else to cling to.

Thank you for reading, RTR
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Old 07-31-2013, 05:09 AM
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Most people are lousy company when they are newly sober. I was VERY happy I lived alone when I got sober--living with me would have been no picnic! All I can really suggest is that you not look to him during this time for support, fun, companionship, or much of anything. I know it doesn't feel fair, and it really isn't, but this disease isn't fair.

IF he works his program to the very best of his ability, this phase will pass. Your relationship may never be exactly the same as it was when you met and fell in love. It may be better in many ways, but it WILL be different. I've been married to two alcoholics in early recovery--one stayed recovered and the other went back to drinking. Both of them were difficult to live with early on. The one that stayed recovered I eventually divorced, but not because he was a bad husband--the relationship just didn't feel right to me anymore. We are still good friends, though.

I suggest you use this time to build a life that makes YOU happy, get your support and companionship from friends for a while, and see how things go. I know it's tough. Hang in there, and keep the focus on you.
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Old 07-31-2013, 07:56 AM
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When my BF was new in recovery, it was difficult. He was very involved in AA, and all the other things he did as part of his recovery. I didn't seem to fit into the schedule. I knew to give him the space to do what he needed to do. But I wasn't about to sit around and wait for him to make my life good again. I got involved in AlAnon, and got busy with other things. I made time with friends, I trained for a race.

It did get better, took about 5 months before things started to feel slightly normal. We're 8 months in at this point, and we still have our struggles, but it's much better. And we spend more time together.

If he or she is new to recovery, and you want the relationship to survive long term, I would suggest you give it more time. Are you going to AlAnon? That would be a great way to support recovery, and get support for yourself during this period of time. I think we often think if our partner would stop drinking all would be good again. The road is not that straight and easy, there are lots of winding curves along the way.

I wish you the best.
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