New Relationship post alcoholic
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 199
That's a really wonderful list!!!!
I'm taking a break before dating again, but I recognize the need for this checklist on my own life when I jump in those waters again (and before!!!). That's such a thoughtful list, and I think it's so great you're being so rigorous with yourself!!! Thank you for sharing!!
I'm taking a break before dating again, but I recognize the need for this checklist on my own life when I jump in those waters again (and before!!!). That's such a thoughtful list, and I think it's so great you're being so rigorous with yourself!!! Thank you for sharing!!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
Great list!!!! Thank you for finding and sharing it.
I vote to sticky it too.
I vote to sticky it too.
Originally Posted by FindingPeace1 
Tuffgirl! Hugs hugs!
When I read and responded earlier your message didn't show up on my mobile.
Ahh, yes. I do see it. I do have red flags. I'm here.
You all help ground me.
I did some (obsessive) research on "moving too fast" and put together a checklist for myself. It might help others, too.
What “moving too fast” looks like and why that matters
1. Lack of seeing reality.
Are you overlooking red flags because you are so immersed in the good feelings? Are you being overly naïve, deliberately or inadvertently? Some of us fall for an IDEA of the person without knowing them. It feels like we love them, but we don’t actually know them very well. We end up having a relationship with an IMAGE rather than reality. Reality takes time to learn. If you are in a rush, you not in a relationship with reality, but your projection of it.
2. Lack of self-listening.
Can you still hear the little voice that has concerns? Do you even remember there is a little voice? Do you know what it is telling you? Even a great partner will have parts that give you pause to consider.
3. Lack of clear thought.
Does s/he make you feel emotionally drugged - woozy or fuzzy? Do you feel you can think through things clearly or are you in a heady, happy daze? Love can do this to us, but it is healthy to have one foot on the ground.
4. Lack of realism in thought. Do you feel it is “perfect” or you’ve found “the One” before you know her/him fully? Do you feel love before you know who it is you are loving? Are you rationalizing or making excuses for your or their behavior?
5. Lack of self-care and healthy protection.
Are you getting what you need? Do you know what that is? Are you taking time for yourself, your friends and your hobbies? Are you making wise and responsible choices? Rushing in has risks for your heart and stability. Are you moving so fast you don’t take time to make sure the relationship is growing appropriately and you are learning through time? Are you over-trusting without evidence or are you letting trust build with time?
6. Lack of self-awareness and groundedness.
Are you getting lost in the “other”? Are you aware of where you are in the relationship, how you feel and what you need? Are you aware of the feelings in your body? Are you aware of your emotions? Can you go inward and breathe and feel your body and heart when you are in their presence or are you swept up in them? Can you keep track of YOU in the face of them? Can you keep tabs on how you feel, not just how they make you feel?
7. Lack of boundaries.
Are you giving up time with others or ignoring responsibilities for the other? Can you say no? Do you or they feel somehow pressured or moving too fast, even in a passive way? Are you over-vulnerable and over-open with your body, your sexuality, your heart or your history because it feels so good to be so close? Are you resistant to spending less time, opening less, talking less, emailing less? Did the toothbrush get left at the other’s house after the first sleepover?
8. Lack of balance.
Are you attached to, or compulsive with or about, the other person – hearing from them, seeing them, getting messages from them? Are you spending time being with or thinking about the other obsessively? Does it feel loose, fun, easy and responsive or intense, directional, overpowering and needy? Are you getting wrapped up in the future and missing the now or, on the flip side, are you getting too lost in the now to see the big picture?
Why We Might Rush
1. The mind-blowing love drugs feel good! They are a siren song. We want to chase that feeling.
2. We feel needy, lonely or dependent, leading us to want happiness with desperation
3. Part of us NEEDS the intense affirmation
4. We have some addiction to the overstimulation of the intensity
5. We are afraid of the emptiness without those feelings
6. We don’t trust ourselves, others, and/or the universe to take care of us
7. We are afraid of being single
8. We are afraid of loss
When I read and responded earlier your message didn't show up on my mobile.
Ahh, yes. I do see it. I do have red flags. I'm here.
You all help ground me.
I did some (obsessive) research on "moving too fast" and put together a checklist for myself. It might help others, too.
What “moving too fast” looks like and why that matters
1. Lack of seeing reality.
Are you overlooking red flags because you are so immersed in the good feelings? Are you being overly naïve, deliberately or inadvertently? Some of us fall for an IDEA of the person without knowing them. It feels like we love them, but we don’t actually know them very well. We end up having a relationship with an IMAGE rather than reality. Reality takes time to learn. If you are in a rush, you not in a relationship with reality, but your projection of it.
2. Lack of self-listening.
Can you still hear the little voice that has concerns? Do you even remember there is a little voice? Do you know what it is telling you? Even a great partner will have parts that give you pause to consider.
3. Lack of clear thought.
Does s/he make you feel emotionally drugged - woozy or fuzzy? Do you feel you can think through things clearly or are you in a heady, happy daze? Love can do this to us, but it is healthy to have one foot on the ground.
4. Lack of realism in thought. Do you feel it is “perfect” or you’ve found “the One” before you know her/him fully? Do you feel love before you know who it is you are loving? Are you rationalizing or making excuses for your or their behavior?
5. Lack of self-care and healthy protection.
Are you getting what you need? Do you know what that is? Are you taking time for yourself, your friends and your hobbies? Are you making wise and responsible choices? Rushing in has risks for your heart and stability. Are you moving so fast you don’t take time to make sure the relationship is growing appropriately and you are learning through time? Are you over-trusting without evidence or are you letting trust build with time?
6. Lack of self-awareness and groundedness.
Are you getting lost in the “other”? Are you aware of where you are in the relationship, how you feel and what you need? Are you aware of the feelings in your body? Are you aware of your emotions? Can you go inward and breathe and feel your body and heart when you are in their presence or are you swept up in them? Can you keep track of YOU in the face of them? Can you keep tabs on how you feel, not just how they make you feel?
7. Lack of boundaries.
Are you giving up time with others or ignoring responsibilities for the other? Can you say no? Do you or they feel somehow pressured or moving too fast, even in a passive way? Are you over-vulnerable and over-open with your body, your sexuality, your heart or your history because it feels so good to be so close? Are you resistant to spending less time, opening less, talking less, emailing less? Did the toothbrush get left at the other’s house after the first sleepover?
8. Lack of balance.
Are you attached to, or compulsive with or about, the other person – hearing from them, seeing them, getting messages from them? Are you spending time being with or thinking about the other obsessively? Does it feel loose, fun, easy and responsive or intense, directional, overpowering and needy? Are you getting wrapped up in the future and missing the now or, on the flip side, are you getting too lost in the now to see the big picture?
Why We Might Rush
1. The mind-blowing love drugs feel good! They are a siren song. We want to chase that feeling.
2. We feel needy, lonely or dependent, leading us to want happiness with desperation
3. Part of us NEEDS the intense affirmation
4. We have some addiction to the overstimulation of the intensity
5. We are afraid of the emptiness without those feelings
6. We don’t trust ourselves, others, and/or the universe to take care of us
7. We are afraid of being single
8. We are afraid of loss
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Visualizations help me a lot. When I was married to my AH, I could not imagine ever getting a divorce. It wasn't even in the realm of possibility. I think that made it really hard on me when it actually happened.
So now, I visualize my relationship ending. I imagine myself saying "this isn't working for me anymore, I think we should stop seeing each other." I also imagine him saying the same thing. I've been doing this periodically since we started dating (6 years ago!). I never conjure up a reason because I don't want to create imaginary demons, I just imagine what it would feel like if it was over. I picture myself being sad, but not devastated. I imagine life going on.
Some may find this a little strange, but it helps me not to live in fear of losing the relationship, and I believe I appreciate and enjoy it even more without that fear.
L
So now, I visualize my relationship ending. I imagine myself saying "this isn't working for me anymore, I think we should stop seeing each other." I also imagine him saying the same thing. I've been doing this periodically since we started dating (6 years ago!). I never conjure up a reason because I don't want to create imaginary demons, I just imagine what it would feel like if it was over. I picture myself being sad, but not devastated. I imagine life going on.
Some may find this a little strange, but it helps me not to live in fear of losing the relationship, and I believe I appreciate and enjoy it even more without that fear.
L
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
LTD, that reminds me of what a Thai meditation master once told some visiting Buddhists:
Before saying a word, he motioned to a glass at his side. “Do you see this glass?” he asked us. “I love this glass. It holds the water admirably. When the sun shines on it, it reflects the light beautifully. When I tap it, it has a lovely ring. Yet for me, this glass is already broken. When the wind knocks it over or my elbow knocks it off the shelf and it falls to the ground and shatters, I say, ‘Of course.’ But when I understand that this glass is already broken, every minute with it is precious.”
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
I feel like this guy is the real deal.
He just left and he is so sweet, so real, so kind, so gentle, so happy, so present. We talked about all this. He gets it. I'll attempt to stay eyes wide open, but he is swoony in the meantime!
Cuddled all night. No sex. <3
Breathe. Feel amazing. Breathe again.
Fp
He just left and he is so sweet, so real, so kind, so gentle, so happy, so present. We talked about all this. He gets it. I'll attempt to stay eyes wide open, but he is swoony in the meantime!
Cuddled all night. No sex. <3
Breathe. Feel amazing. Breathe again.
Fp
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 199
Ditto what Dreams and TuffGirl said!
I think his response to you bringing all of this up is important. You said he understood and was with you on it? Was he thoughtful about why he had been bowling forward so fast and give you any insights, and maybe a sense of whether he can slow down with you too? Sounds from what you said like yes, and my gut would be less worries about the flag if he's open, reflective, a great listener and willing to learn -- we're all growing after all. But if there's some amount of resistance, you'll know if you're willing to hear it.
Best to you, and mostly have FUN!!!
I think his response to you bringing all of this up is important. You said he understood and was with you on it? Was he thoughtful about why he had been bowling forward so fast and give you any insights, and maybe a sense of whether he can slow down with you too? Sounds from what you said like yes, and my gut would be less worries about the flag if he's open, reflective, a great listener and willing to learn -- we're all growing after all. But if there's some amount of resistance, you'll know if you're willing to hear it.
Best to you, and mostly have FUN!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
I'm going to be the splinter in your side right now....
There are no lists in the world that will help anyone made a solid healthy choice, you need to go with your gut and a whole lot of reality.
I've not read all the replies, but I will say, even if he doesn't have an addiction to a substance, sounds like he has a love addiction.
Healthy people do not say "I love you" after 3 dates. A string of short relationships is truly a red flag. Doesn't matter if he was never married, neither have many people.
Also, the fact that you're not uncomfortable with someone that seems so needy that he would say I Love You right away says you probably have a lot more work to do on your own self esteem.
I would freak if any guy told me he loved me and didn't know me.
From what you're saying, it sound like just maybe this feels a little better than being alone.
My friend met a guy in a bar on a Sunday and by the following Friday he txt her "I love you". She had spent every waking moment with him from the Sunday to the Friday. Turned out he was an abuser, a gambler, a cheater and everything else that goes with people who have personality disorders.
I did see someone said above about BPD, it sure sounds like it
Be very cautious
There are no lists in the world that will help anyone made a solid healthy choice, you need to go with your gut and a whole lot of reality.
I've not read all the replies, but I will say, even if he doesn't have an addiction to a substance, sounds like he has a love addiction.
Healthy people do not say "I love you" after 3 dates. A string of short relationships is truly a red flag. Doesn't matter if he was never married, neither have many people.
Also, the fact that you're not uncomfortable with someone that seems so needy that he would say I Love You right away says you probably have a lot more work to do on your own self esteem.
I would freak if any guy told me he loved me and didn't know me.
From what you're saying, it sound like just maybe this feels a little better than being alone.
My friend met a guy in a bar on a Sunday and by the following Friday he txt her "I love you". She had spent every waking moment with him from the Sunday to the Friday. Turned out he was an abuser, a gambler, a cheater and everything else that goes with people who have personality disorders.
I did see someone said above about BPD, it sure sounds like it
Be very cautious
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I believe what everyone is saying is for the OP to use her own good judgment and discernment. We can't possibly know - we aren't in the room with her.
I don't believe there is anything wrong with giving people the benefit of the doubt as long as one is aware they are doing so, and have eyes wide open to the red flags.
I believe we all exhibit red flags early in the relationship process. My thought is it is up to the individual as to what "flaws" (for lack of a better word) we will accept and what we won't. It's not up to me to tell the OP to run just because I think this guy is a weirdo for rushing into this head first. Now if she comes back to tell us he shot the neighbors cat with a bb gun, I'll probably say "run"!
I don't believe there is anything wrong with giving people the benefit of the doubt as long as one is aware they are doing so, and have eyes wide open to the red flags.
I believe we all exhibit red flags early in the relationship process. My thought is it is up to the individual as to what "flaws" (for lack of a better word) we will accept and what we won't. It's not up to me to tell the OP to run just because I think this guy is a weirdo for rushing into this head first. Now if she comes back to tell us he shot the neighbors cat with a bb gun, I'll probably say "run"!
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
Am experiencing something similar myself
Cool thread. I am experiencing something similar in my own life, after bring on my own for 5 years.
In the last 6 months, since I have started dating again some if the things I have learnt (usually the hard way)
- the difference between sex and love, I never knew sex was actually a physical release
- there is a difference between sex and love
- I am looking for more than some people can give
- some people are looking for more than I can give
- my old behaviours haven't gone away
- being able to appreciate companionship
I personally think if something is going to work between 2 people it will. It may not be forever though but thinking and feeling it will is pretty normal. And saying it out loud. Some people I have learned are just more open about how they feel than others and if someone wants to tell me they love me when they have just met me, I can believe it but I also need to be aware this is how they feel at the time so they are always entitled to change that view at any point they choose just like I am too. But that does not mean they never meant it or I didn't.
If god has put this man in your life, there's learning ahead and you must be ready. What you're ready for, I am unsure but time will tell. In the mean time why not just enjoy?
In the last 6 months, since I have started dating again some if the things I have learnt (usually the hard way)
- the difference between sex and love, I never knew sex was actually a physical release
- there is a difference between sex and love
- I am looking for more than some people can give
- some people are looking for more than I can give
- my old behaviours haven't gone away
- being able to appreciate companionship
I personally think if something is going to work between 2 people it will. It may not be forever though but thinking and feeling it will is pretty normal. And saying it out loud. Some people I have learned are just more open about how they feel than others and if someone wants to tell me they love me when they have just met me, I can believe it but I also need to be aware this is how they feel at the time so they are always entitled to change that view at any point they choose just like I am too. But that does not mean they never meant it or I didn't.
If god has put this man in your life, there's learning ahead and you must be ready. What you're ready for, I am unsure but time will tell. In the mean time why not just enjoy?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Greetings!
Just an update.
We have had some conversations about how it might or might not work, depending on where life takes us, and also about his depression bouts in the past.
It brought me down to earth, which was helpful.
I am still thrilled about him day to day and feeling good.
Any advice regarding dating someone that deals with depression? Things to think about or watch out for? He is so great, I do worry that this will kick me in the butt later on when it returns to him.
fp
Just an update.
We have had some conversations about how it might or might not work, depending on where life takes us, and also about his depression bouts in the past.
It brought me down to earth, which was helpful.
I am still thrilled about him day to day and feeling good.
Any advice regarding dating someone that deals with depression? Things to think about or watch out for? He is so great, I do worry that this will kick me in the butt later on when it returns to him.
fp
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 340
FindingPeace, what fun eh =)
I just wanted to give you some perspective from a male point of view. Right now he is blowing his emotional load so to speak. Which makes for a super exciting and fun relationship NOW, but later you are all spent and just bored. Sounds like he gets addicted to the newness of a relationship.
Also I have dated someone who deals with depression, and they have big ups and downs. Right now you are in the up. So when the down comes will you be in a position to leave or will you start to endure their down phase which could bring you down?
I think you are doing great actually and really smart to be talking things out. You are starting to see some red flags that depending on what's important to you , may be worth acting on. I see this is a life defining, game changing moment to actually act on red flags that should be acted on.
Your list is great and I think it says it all.
Now that you have had sex, snuggled up, seen him open up quickly you are likely to sweep things under the rug that should not be. If you can truly have fun without getting attached I say go for it but I doubt this is you, watch out and tap in to all that individual strength you have gained.
I just wanted to give you some perspective from a male point of view. Right now he is blowing his emotional load so to speak. Which makes for a super exciting and fun relationship NOW, but later you are all spent and just bored. Sounds like he gets addicted to the newness of a relationship.
Also I have dated someone who deals with depression, and they have big ups and downs. Right now you are in the up. So when the down comes will you be in a position to leave or will you start to endure their down phase which could bring you down?
I think you are doing great actually and really smart to be talking things out. You are starting to see some red flags that depending on what's important to you , may be worth acting on. I see this is a life defining, game changing moment to actually act on red flags that should be acted on.
Your list is great and I think it says it all.
Now that you have had sex, snuggled up, seen him open up quickly you are likely to sweep things under the rug that should not be. If you can truly have fun without getting attached I say go for it but I doubt this is you, watch out and tap in to all that individual strength you have gained.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Spain
Posts: 92
I think you are over analyzing. Seems like you want a certificate of his mental health. That is not reasonable. By the way, borderline personality disorder (BPD) is very dificult to diagnose even by professionals. It is absurd to maintain that he has BPD on the basis of some posts. Depression is a very common problem, usually with good treatment. He said that he loved you in the third date, but what should you expect when you slept with him in the first and second dates? In these circunstances, saying I love you is almost mandatory. What is the problem then? I dont see any problem,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
It is still, always has been, and always will be, about trusting yourself. If you trust yourself enough to know when (or if) it is time to walk away, you are free to enjoy the moment, no? You see, whatever will happen, will happen. Do you trust yourself enough to take care of you at all times? No answer necessary. Just something to ponder.
L
P.S. Have fun and try not to worry too much.
L
P.S. Have fun and try not to worry too much.
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