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A year later, and I am still here....

Old 07-30-2013, 02:43 PM
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A year later, and I am still here....

But I can't for the life of me figure out why? I want to let him know that I am moving out but I am scared! Why? Like every other CODIE, I am afraid I have not given him enough time to quit. Wrong.

I am afraid that I will regret my decision. After reading and re-reading on here, seems like everyone has that emotion so I am just trying to prepare myself for it.

I am afraid of what our friends and family will think.

I am afraid of what my children will think. Our youngest, 19, goes from hating him to thinking he walks on water. Is that typical?

MOST people love him and think that he is great and that he would do anything for me, dotes on me, head over heels for me, etc., etc.

And I guess for the MOST part, that is true except for the fact that most of that is an act for the friends, family etc.

I am planning on having "the" conversation tonight that I will not live this way anymore. It will not be an ultimatum because I know that will not work. And even IF he were to somehow stop the drinking, I am afraid that he would be one of the ones that recovers from alcohol and then realizes he doesn't love me anyway.

I now have 21 years invested and it terrifies me to put that out to the curb, but I don't want to look back another year from now and see that I am still here.

Any advice from anyone that has done this before. Anyone had a calm conversation that "hey, I am leaving you because even though I love you, I can't put up with the drinking, etc.

If so, pointers would be nice.
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Old 07-30-2013, 02:49 PM
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Hi,
your reasons are my reasons. Except you are planning on having the talk tonight and I havent crossed that line yet. I have a few more years on you (29) and it doesnt get any easier. I do believe that if and when I pull the trigger I will have the understanding, but maybe not the approval of my children. They also flucuate between telling me to toss her to love being around her. But I think that is pretty typical since she is their mother. So dont be too hard on yourself


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Old 07-30-2013, 03:23 PM
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I had given my second husband a couple of "early warning signal" comments to the effect that I was about at the end of my rope, and that I would be leaving shortly if things did not change. When the time came, I just got my stuff and announced I was leaving. I had already gathered up my most important stuff and stashed it at a friend's house, just in case he took it into his head to destroy anything of mine (he didn't--and I really didn't think he would--but better safe than sorry).

I would keep it as low key and brief as possible. Anything bigger or more involved suggests that the matter is up for discussion. It isn't. Tell him ONLY what he needs to know, nothing more. Don't share your hurt, your anger, or anything else. If you ever feel the need to have that kind of conversation, save it until the emotions are settled down. IOW, just the facts, ma'am.
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Old 07-30-2013, 05:28 PM
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Originally Posted by loosingmymind View Post
But I can't for the life of me figure out why? I want to let him know that I am moving out but I am scared! Why? Like every other CODIE, I am afraid I have not given him enough time to quit. Wrong.

I am afraid that I will regret my decision. After reading and re-reading on here, seems like everyone has that emotion so I am just trying to prepare myself for it.

I am afraid of what our friends and family will think.

I am afraid of what my children will think. Our youngest, 19, goes from hating him to thinking he walks on water. Is that typical?

MOST people love him and think that he is great and that he would do anything for me, dotes on me, head over heels for me, etc., etc.

And I guess for the MOST part, that is true except for the fact that most of that is an act for the friends, family etc.

I am planning on having "the" conversation tonight that I will not live this way anymore. It will not be an ultimatum because I know that will not work. And even IF he were to somehow stop the drinking, I am afraid that he would be one of the ones that recovers from alcohol and then realizes he doesn't love me anyway.

I now have 21 years invested and it terrifies me to put that out to the curb, but I don't want to look back another year from now and see that I am still here.

Any advice from anyone that has done this before. Anyone had a calm conversation that "hey, I am leaving you because even though I love you, I can't put up with the drinking, etc.

If so, pointers would be nice.
This is what I posted the day I told my AGF it was over.

As I type this, she's passed out in the bedroom. She's made baby steps towards finding a place, with no success. I'm in communication with her younger brothers out of state over the possibility of an intervention, but when they (the AGF) don't believe they're addicted and/or alcoholic there's only so much you can do, and with two rehab trips on my nickel, I'm done.

My only advice would to be speak your truth, there's no reason to be mean or spiteful, but you need to make it clear that it's over, why it's over, and how the break will be made.
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Old 07-31-2013, 09:19 AM
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I finally left 3 months ago for the third time. This time though I feel more confident in myself and it is easier even though AH this time is not nearly as bad as he had been. I heard so many times how he would cut back or quit. He would get rid of all the alcohol and not drink for a couple weeks {atleast not that I knew of}. It was always the same thing thing, nice for alittle then back to being an a**hole. I suffered from verbal and some physical abuse with our two children witnessing alot. But as he slowly started becoming less angry and not drinking as much, I started drifting farther and farther away. I knew deep down that he would always drink and always have anger and insecurity issues. My children were suffering and I was exhausted and miserable. So one day I decided I was done. My 11 yr old daughter is the one that keeps me going. She is suffering from the alcohol and even though AH knows this, he still chooses to drink. She tells me, "Mommy, daddy will only try to change till we go back, then it will go back to the way it was." That was a total eye opener for me. If she can see it, why can't I? I now have peace, less stress, can come home without worrying what kind of night it will be. If I don't wanna cook, then I don't. I just feel so more relaxed. I still have a long way to go but I am feeling better every day. Now AH right now is on the kick that his family is more important than drinking and he is quitting. Well good for him, heard that too many times. And even if it would happen, I really do not think I could go back. There has been too much damage done. He has been put on 3 or 4 diff physch meds and will always have some kind of issue. I want a better life than that especially for my kids. So hang in there, you will know when you are ready to be done. It may take time but you will get there. Take care
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Old 07-31-2013, 11:30 AM
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LoosingMyMind, we all reach our decisions in our own time and as best we can. For me, it was a long struggle and I relate to what you posted. I can tell you EVERYONE thought my STBXAH is fantastic and just the best guy around and for some reason that made it even harder for me because I kept wondering what was wrong with me that he didn't show me that side. I know you said you've been with him 21 years but maybe you should ask yourself how your life would look in 5 years if you stayed?
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Old 07-31-2013, 11:40 AM
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you are the only one who can decide when or if you should go. Mike has a great saying that was so true in my life "when the pain of staying becomes greater than the pain of leaving".
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Old 07-31-2013, 01:46 PM
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By the time I got home, and he got home, I was so nervous I felt like I was going to pass out.

I told him this.....Do you realize that your drinking has gotten worse since the first of the year? Your tolerance for alcohol has gone up and my tolerance has gone down. I know you are better than this.

No arguments. Nothing. He actually said "thanks for your input"

Anyway, tonight I am taking it further. We will see if I get closer this time to actually telling him that I am leaving.

The whole process of leaving is just going to be so exhausting and I am already sooooo tired that I feel like I don't have the energy to face it. But I know it has to be done.
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Old 07-31-2013, 03:05 PM
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"Thanks for your input" is sarcasm. It's equivalent to what we say when the alcoholic is whining or angry about stupid stuff: "I'm sorry you feel that way." "Thank you for sharing."

The thing is, he ISN'T "better than that." He can't be, while he's in the grips of the disease.

I think you are just going to make this more difficult than it has to be if you keep pussyfooting around it. If you are sure, just say it. Two words, "I'm done." Expect him not to believe it, expect him to argue, wine, cry, make promises, make threats (not necessarily physical ones, but threats to "take you to the cleaners" in a divorce. He may put you down to try to make you feel you can't make it on your own. Don't take the bait.

Do you have someplace you can go for tonight? A friend's house, a hotel?
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