Hoping for guidance-husband's drinking
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Hoping for guidance-husband's drinking
I am a recovering alcoholic with 6 years of sobriety, a husband of 10 years and 2 beautiful daughters. I am hoping to get some advice on how to cope with my husband's drinking. I understand I cannot control his drinking but in an effort to remain sober and keep our daughters safe I am trying to set some boundaries.
With that being said, my boundary used to be no hard liquor in the house because that was my drink of choice and gave me the greatest temptation. He could have beer in the house and would mostly save his drinking binges for the weekends. He doesn't drink to the point of oblivion but just enough to "take the edge off and relax." I recently changed the boundary to allow vodka in the house as a compromise because he complained that beer makes him bloated. I know the real reason he wants the vodka because it provides a quicker buzz but that's beside the point and not worth arguing with him. Our agreement was that he could have vodka one night on the weekend and the other night he would not drink so that he could be in charge of the kids while I relax a bit. Even though he doesn't get drunk I don't feel it's in our kids best interest to be under his care while he is intoxicated. I also wanted the vodka disposed of at the end of the weekend so I would not be tempted by it during the week. He stuck to the agreement for 2 weeks and now drinks vodka both nights and leaves it in the pantry during the week. I am getting resentful because I don't feel like I am asking that much of him. I know I cannot control his drinking but I feel pretty adamant about setting boundaries so that I can maintain my sobriety. I know if I bring this up it will inevitably lead to an argument that I am trying to control what he does.
I don't know how to handle the situation and would appreciate any ideas.
Thank you for giving me a place to turn!
With that being said, my boundary used to be no hard liquor in the house because that was my drink of choice and gave me the greatest temptation. He could have beer in the house and would mostly save his drinking binges for the weekends. He doesn't drink to the point of oblivion but just enough to "take the edge off and relax." I recently changed the boundary to allow vodka in the house as a compromise because he complained that beer makes him bloated. I know the real reason he wants the vodka because it provides a quicker buzz but that's beside the point and not worth arguing with him. Our agreement was that he could have vodka one night on the weekend and the other night he would not drink so that he could be in charge of the kids while I relax a bit. Even though he doesn't get drunk I don't feel it's in our kids best interest to be under his care while he is intoxicated. I also wanted the vodka disposed of at the end of the weekend so I would not be tempted by it during the week. He stuck to the agreement for 2 weeks and now drinks vodka both nights and leaves it in the pantry during the week. I am getting resentful because I don't feel like I am asking that much of him. I know I cannot control his drinking but I feel pretty adamant about setting boundaries so that I can maintain my sobriety. I know if I bring this up it will inevitably lead to an argument that I am trying to control what he does.
I don't know how to handle the situation and would appreciate any ideas.
Thank you for giving me a place to turn!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Seems like he's pretty blatantly ignoring your boundaries, kgrace, not to mention endangering your sobriety.
Does he have any interest in getting sober? Have you considered Alanon for yourself? Even tho you are a recovering A, Alanon might have more than a little to offer you since you are married to an A also.
In threads like this, I often see the question "what do you get out of this relationship?" asked. Maybe that's a place for you to start thinking about what you DO get out of the relationship. Why ARE you there? What do YOU want, and also what do you want for your kids, who have no choice in the matter?
Wishing you strength and clarity.
Does he have any interest in getting sober? Have you considered Alanon for yourself? Even tho you are a recovering A, Alanon might have more than a little to offer you since you are married to an A also.
In threads like this, I often see the question "what do you get out of this relationship?" asked. Maybe that's a place for you to start thinking about what you DO get out of the relationship. Why ARE you there? What do YOU want, and also what do you want for your kids, who have no choice in the matter?
Wishing you strength and clarity.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 36
Honeypig.....thanks for your insight. I agree that he has no regard for my boundaries which is so disheartening. I have not been to an Al anon meeting but definitely feel I could benefit from some additional support. He has no desire to stop drinking and feels like he deserves to "unwind" on the weekends. As for why I am there.....I haven't really thought about it or what I want out of the relationship. I know one of my biggest fears is having our daughters grow up in a broken home. However I don't want them in a bad situation either. Any thoughts on how to sort through these difficult questions?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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First, a hearty congratulations on your six years of sobriety. What an accomplishment!
Here's the thing, and it may be just "words" but it also may be what is causing friction here: BOUNDARIES are for YOU. They are not rules you impose that other people must live by to preserve YOUR sobriety -- preserving your sobriety is on you, not others. Boundaries are I-based statements that help you determine what you can and cannot live with, and furthermore to determine your choices in the future.
One of my boundaries, as an example, is that I will not get in a car with a driver who has been drinking. This doesn't mean people I expect people won't drink if they are supposed to drive me somewhere. That's out of my control. It means that if the person who was supposed to drive me somewhere has been drinking, it is on me to find another way to get where I'm going.
Does that make sense? Boundaries can be tough to wrap your head around. But if your boundary truly is that you will not live in a home where drinking occurs regularly, YOU are the one that must reassess your living situation...and all that comes with that.
I hope this helps. Understanding and building boundaries in your own life can be a powerful tool to help us live peaceful lives...but getting there can be difficult. Wishing you strength.
Here's the thing, and it may be just "words" but it also may be what is causing friction here: BOUNDARIES are for YOU. They are not rules you impose that other people must live by to preserve YOUR sobriety -- preserving your sobriety is on you, not others. Boundaries are I-based statements that help you determine what you can and cannot live with, and furthermore to determine your choices in the future.
One of my boundaries, as an example, is that I will not get in a car with a driver who has been drinking. This doesn't mean people I expect people won't drink if they are supposed to drive me somewhere. That's out of my control. It means that if the person who was supposed to drive me somewhere has been drinking, it is on me to find another way to get where I'm going.
Does that make sense? Boundaries can be tough to wrap your head around. But if your boundary truly is that you will not live in a home where drinking occurs regularly, YOU are the one that must reassess your living situation...and all that comes with that.
I hope this helps. Understanding and building boundaries in your own life can be a powerful tool to help us live peaceful lives...but getting there can be difficult. Wishing you strength.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think AA (and a sponsor) would be very good support for your own sobriety at this time.
AND I think Al-Anon would be very helpful, too. We have lots of "double winners" around here.
AND I think Al-Anon would be very helpful, too. We have lots of "double winners" around here.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by Kkgrace 
Honeypig.....thanks for your insight. I agree that he has no regard for my boundaries which is so disheartening. I have not been to an Al anon meeting but definitely feel I could benefit from some additional support. He has no desire to stop drinking and feels like he deserves to "unwind" on the weekends. As for why I am there.....I haven't really thought about it or what I want out of the relationship. I know one of my biggest fears is having our daughters grow up in a broken home. However I don't want them in a bad situation either. Any thoughts on how to sort through these difficult questions?
Living with an alcoholic, even one who doesn't get blackout drunk or violent, is not a good situation, and as I'm sure you know, alcoholism is a progressive disease. He WILL go downhill as time passes. You and your girls deserve better than to be dragged along on this ride. Please do look into Alanon and take some time for yourself.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Hi
There is a double winner thread http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...loved-one.html
I am also a double winner (story on the thread) and my best friend is an active alcoholic. My boundaries with him is that I will not hang out with him or talk to him on the phone when he is drinking. When he goes on a binge, I go no contact. It is very important for me as a codependent to stick to my boundaries because if I start wavering, not only it sends him a message I am not serious but I am putting my own well being on the line.
If you are in a big city or nearby there might be some double winners meeting (sometimes called friends of Lois and Bill or something like that).
Do not be worried about being an alcoholic when going to Al Anon meetings, this is why I did not want to go at first but thank goodness a lady explained to me that Al Anon was for me too and truth be told, I identify much more with other codependents than with other alcoholics.
I joined Al Anon in 2001, I do not go to as many meetings as I 'd like (they are a bit far) but I still apply the tools to my daily life. Al Anon taught me how to have healthy relationship, set boundaries and basically saved my sanity.
There is a double winner thread http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...loved-one.html
I am also a double winner (story on the thread) and my best friend is an active alcoholic. My boundaries with him is that I will not hang out with him or talk to him on the phone when he is drinking. When he goes on a binge, I go no contact. It is very important for me as a codependent to stick to my boundaries because if I start wavering, not only it sends him a message I am not serious but I am putting my own well being on the line.
If you are in a big city or nearby there might be some double winners meeting (sometimes called friends of Lois and Bill or something like that).
Do not be worried about being an alcoholic when going to Al Anon meetings, this is why I did not want to go at first but thank goodness a lady explained to me that Al Anon was for me too and truth be told, I identify much more with other codependents than with other alcoholics.
I joined Al Anon in 2001, I do not go to as many meetings as I 'd like (they are a bit far) but I still apply the tools to my daily life. Al Anon taught me how to have healthy relationship, set boundaries and basically saved my sanity.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
You're trying to control his drinking...that's never going to work. It's a progressive disease, so he's going to push the boundaries. You set a "boundary", then you change your "boundary" to accomodate his request. What he sees is that you don't hold your ground. So he pushes more. This is bound to fail.
Boundaries are for you. So you can say if he drinks hard liquor in the house you will leave. But then you need to follow through on your end. Are you ready to do that?
Find Alanon, and start working on you. You don't want your kids to be from a broken home, but I've seen many adults on here wish their parents had gotten them out of the alcoholic homes. I've never seen anyone say they were glad their parent kept them living with an active A. The damage is done before you know it.
Boundaries are for you. So you can say if he drinks hard liquor in the house you will leave. But then you need to follow through on your end. Are you ready to do that?
Find Alanon, and start working on you. You don't want your kids to be from a broken home, but I've seen many adults on here wish their parents had gotten them out of the alcoholic homes. I've never seen anyone say they were glad their parent kept them living with an active A. The damage is done before you know it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by Recovering2
You're trying to control his drinking...that's never going to work. It's a progressive disease, so he's going to push the boundaries. You set a "boundary", then you change your "boundary" to accomodate his request. What he sees is that you don't hold your ground. So he pushes more. This is bound to fail.
Boundaries are for you. So you can say if he drinks hard liquor in the house you will leave. But then you need to follow through on your end. Are you ready to do that?
Find Alanon, and start working on you. You don't want your kids to be from a broken home, but I've seen many adults on here wish their parents had gotten them out of the alcoholic homes. I've never seen anyone say they were glad their parent kept them living with an active A. The damage is done before you know it.
Boundaries are for you. So you can say if he drinks hard liquor in the house you will leave. But then you need to follow through on your end. Are you ready to do that?
Find Alanon, and start working on you. You don't want your kids to be from a broken home, but I've seen many adults on here wish their parents had gotten them out of the alcoholic homes. I've never seen anyone say they were glad their parent kept them living with an active A. The damage is done before you know it.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, that was an example of a boundary, not necessarily a "you should do this."
You have to think about what your boundary is. Are you OK with/would it help you to leave temporarily while he's drinking? I mean, you were saying he is keeping it around the house, and drinking whenever he feels like it, so that might involve your purchasing an RV or something. Is that really feasible?
Incidentally, the boundary is for you, not for him. You have to decide for YOURSELF (and you don't need to communicate it to him) what YOU are going to do if he violates whatever boundary you have set.
The worst thing you do is to say "If you do X, then I am going to do Y" unless you really mean to carry through with it and are confident you can do it. Otherwise all that gets communicated is that you don't mean what you say, and he can continue to do as he likes.
You don't have to settle on your bottom line right now. These are things you want to start thinking about, though.
You have to think about what your boundary is. Are you OK with/would it help you to leave temporarily while he's drinking? I mean, you were saying he is keeping it around the house, and drinking whenever he feels like it, so that might involve your purchasing an RV or something. Is that really feasible?
Incidentally, the boundary is for you, not for him. You have to decide for YOURSELF (and you don't need to communicate it to him) what YOU are going to do if he violates whatever boundary you have set.
The worst thing you do is to say "If you do X, then I am going to do Y" unless you really mean to carry through with it and are confident you can do it. Otherwise all that gets communicated is that you don't mean what you say, and he can continue to do as he likes.
You don't have to settle on your bottom line right now. These are things you want to start thinking about, though.
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