Trusting him again... Well that's a scary thought...
 

Last year was horrible. The pain of having a ABF... Endless lies and overpowering emotions.

He is 8 months sober, inactive in him home group, going to 1-2 meetings a day, trying to find a permanent sponsor but has a good one now until he does, got his dream job back (lost it last summer) last week.

I only started talking to him again in June. It has been emotionally rocky to say the least but it has been healing as well. We have a connection that is undeniable and because of that know we have to be very careful not to get in over our heads before we can handle it. Watching him go back to his old work place and make amends to all he's wronged there... And get hired back... Hs really opened my eyes on his potential.

He has said from the first day in June that I answered the phone that he was going to become the man he was meant to be and the man I deserve to have. Independent. With this job he wants to clear his debt with me and make things right for his mother. I haven't shared a lot with him but I have been very honest with him when I communicate about my feelings. We are both still very fragile.

Listening to his stories and the connections he's making in his fellowship have really made a difference for him. His face, eyes, moods, all different with lapse in the old. When those behaviors had arrived he has been apologetic and self reflective. I was able to tell him what sparked my concerns and why I needed to distance myself from him at that time. He reacted well to this.

I love him so much. I know it will take time for me to trust him if I ever will be able to. I know I need to process my pain as well. Letting it out slowly and purposefully will be key. I am already in therapy, have been for years (ADHD).

Just I can see him for who he is becoming. Not a sober version of who he was but the man he has always wanted to be (his words).

He said to me the other day he feels like he is a puzzle and he has finally got all the pieces turn faced up. I have little plans of rushing back into anything until he has become an independent member of society, but I will be working on our friendship and myself while he works on cleaning up his side of the street.

So hard.

Me

Is active not inactive!! Should have proofread this!!!

Wow....this really sums it all up, doesn't it? Who could want any more than that? Again, wow.

I fervently hope that's what happens!

Miracles DO HAPPEN--I've seen many, many of them. My first husband is one. He is a shining example of recovery in action--now in his 34th year of sobriety. He is not a perfect man, and I have no wish to be married to him, but he is a good man, a good dad to our kids, a good husband to his second wife, a good friend and sponsor to the guys he works with, and was a valued employee until his retirement a couple of years ago.

You don't have to force or rush the trust. It comes with time and recovery (on both sides).

Thanks this is so helpful.

This such an encouraging story. I found myself a little teary reading it.
I so hope that this becomes the happy ending you want and deserve. You are very
wise to take it slowly, one day at a time.

I've got all fingers and toes crossed!

I am in a similar situation and have had similar types of talks. It's all good.

People don't change in a day. Change is slow, even with the epiphany.

There is only the test of time, and the one thing you can't rush is time. I have to keep that in my mind as precautionary.
I don't want to use my running shoes ever again, and won't as long as basic respect is there.
But everybody in every relationship should know where their running shoes are, and how to put them on should they be needed.
I'm hoping mine grow cobwebs. :)

Being purposely honest and cautiously open. I just care so deeply for him and with his active involvement with his fellowship he now has so many people to talk to and I don't feel the burden of being his only confidant. I couldn't be that person not being in that position helps me communicate with him at a deeper level.

Thanks for all the kind words. I am talking it slow. Running shoes scattered throughout my house... Thinking 3 pairs currently!!
😏

This is so uplifting to read. This was my hope last year. I really thought we were both on a great road to recovery. The evidence "seemed" there. Then, the pieces went upside down again for us. It makes me sad that I had to step away once again. In sharing my ESH: Even if it didn't work for us, I have hopes that recovery does work and it's a beautiful thing when it does. Breathe that one day at a time breath!!

If I have to walk away again I will, only time will tell, only time and open minded ness.

Sigh

I got a call today from my first husband (the one who stayed sober). He was in the area (he lives in Colorado) visiting friends/former sponsees, as well as his wife's son (who still lives here and is also in AA). He bought me lunch for my birthday (which is Saturday) and brought me a birthday card. Had a nice chat, and I brought him by the house to check out the new tile (which he really liked).

We had a few laughs about silly stuff from the years we were married. He is such a good guy, and I'm so glad he has been part of my life (and still is). None of that would have been possible without AA.

I have that too with my XAH. We are still good friends. Wouldn't have it any other way.

Talk is cheap, actions speak louder than words. The onus is on him: he has to prove he can be trusted. But never loose sight of the fact that only 30% of people coming into AA make it a year. Don't count on him staying sober.

All the best wishes to you. Just move forward with caution and take things one day at a time.

Staying strong and clear in my boundaries. He got his job back and the leadership has many people who are in active recovery. He is still so young in his recovery.

Thanks
Me

You know, we talk that is a low number -- but 30% is a considered a fairly successful number for things in Social Services -- part of why many areas need multiple methods and multiple cures. Real World People are a little more complex than fixing a machine.

And for the 30% that do make it . . . . well . . . Praise God.

Back towards findingme . . . Happy for you! and thanks for the Good News from the Front Lines.