OnawaMiniya

Hmmm. Maybe think of facing reality with courage this way: whether you ignore or deny reality, refuse to face it out if fear, anxiety, etc... it's still there. You have nothing to lose by facing it, you only have things to gain.

When I was first diagnosed with a painful condition, my first thought was,"BS!" immediately followed by being upset. All in a matter of seconds lol. Then I thought, really, it is there whether I know about it or not. Now that I know about it/identify it/identify the cause of pain, I might have a chance to do more about it. If I know what I'm dealing with, that has to help.

Know what I mean?

Peace.

Wavy

Thanks MamaKit, I think turning that slogan around is a helpful perspective for me. I've always seen myself as a very tolerant and patient person, and thought that was a good thing, but being able to continue living in a situation that is bad has not helped me or anyone else. Now I've made the decision and arranged somewhere to live, its just a waiting game until he goes away and that feels so hard. Having made a start I want it to be over, whilst wishing so much that it didn't have to be.

LexieCat and honeypig I can understand intellectually that if I was looking at someone else in this exact same situation I'd think 'do what you've got to do to protect yourself', but for some reason I struggle to really feel that for myself, that I over-empathise with whatever I decide ABF must be going to feel and make that more important than my own future.

Its not helpful because I play through all the possible situations in my head, how he'll react, how that will pull on my heart, how will I ever be able to really leave when he in such and such a state, how hard it will be. It comes as a deep pain in my chest thinking about it. I can concentrate even less and I keep crying.

Because he tells me so, I've come to believe his happiness and stability depend on me and I feel like I'm betraying that even tho I understand now that this is not the case - most obviously because he is not happy or stable despite whatever I've tried! But I am scared of what it will mean for him and what it will mean for me too. This is so hard. I don't want to lose him, which seems so paradoxical as I'm making plans to leave.

OnawaMiniya thank you for your perspective on facing reality. it is really really painful so face what I have allowed myself to go through and to know that I am the only one that can do something about it. I'd love for someone to come along and make it all OK for me! But I have been trying to keep the perspective that this is an opportunity to grow, that all the difficulties and pain are going to result in a better me and a brighter future, which sometimes helps me feel strong enough to make it through the next hour.

LexieCat

Here's one more thought to consider. You are trying to spare him pain. We all have the right to experience pain. It's tough for parents to stand by and watch their kids go through it. But until they do, they never learn to manage it.

Your b/f's pain may be one of the things that ultimately adds to the pile of things that will someday bring him to sobriety. Maybe this pain won't do it alone, but alcoholics tend to accumulate damage--lost relationships, lost jobs, lost homes, and eventually some of that sinks in--that it is the ALCOHOL that is creating all these problems. So sparing him discomfort may not be in his best interest, anyway.

Wavy

That is true. I had to laugh as I realised some of my motivation is that while it might not be in his best interested, by, in my mind, not being the source of pain for him, I spare myself the uncomfortable feelings of guilt from perceived lapsed obligations. In that way it is kinda selfish because I feel bad when he feels bad and so want to spare his pain to spare my own, even if it ends up causing long term pain in preventing the short term pain. That's basically how my life has gone so far. Denial as so much more comforting, when I could pretend to wrap us both up and say that because we love each other everything will be OK in the end, whatever life gave us. Its all Hollywood nonsense tho. Love isn't enough.

Tuffgirl

Ok - I say this all the time here, but its worth saying again. Be careful to label your emotions "guilt". Guilt is something we feel when we have done something wrong. Ending a toxic relationship that is dragging us down is not wrong. It is self-preservation and having some dignity! There is never anything wrong with this! Never.

Secondly - you are feeling his feelings for him. Stop that! It's not yours to carry. And that's co-dependency. Worry and focus on your own feelings, and don't forget you are dealing with a grown up here. He will either sink or swim, and you don't owe him anything beyond common courtesy and human decency.

Lastly, yes, I get the fantasy too. I have GREAT fantasies myself! But they are not real. That for me was the hardest part of acceptance, and sometimes I still struggle with it. I find I have to consciously talk myself out of the fantasy thinking, because the pull to go there is powerful. Keep reality front and center in your mind.

You're doing great so far - keep on keepin' on!
~T

jazzfish

This is only in regard to the PhD. For me, the more I hated it, the closer I was to finishing it. Some tips for working on it. Break it up in to small tasks that keep it moving forward. It can be overwhelming to think of it as a whole, but going chapter by chapter, or even sub-section by sub-section makes it easier to deal with. When you really don't want to work on it at all, do the formatting work. People often leave this to the end and then waste another month just getting it formatted properly. Finally, you committee is trying to build an independent thinker. Don't wait for them to tell you that it is finished - there can always be changes, improvements - when you think it is finished, tell them that. Ask to set the final exams and be done with it. The dissertation is typically much less important than the process.

Wavy

Thanks for the encouragement Tuffgirl. It is very hard being around him with the knowledge that I am leaving and he has no idea. He keeps talking about things that we will do when he get back from his trip and its painful because I won't be here. We had some good frank conversations this weekend, which again is difficult because I won't be here for either of us to act on the things we asked of each other, but I can't let him suspect.

Thanks jazzfish for the advice on getting on with the PhD. At this rate I need sub-sub-sub-sections to have bits small enough to get my head around but most of all I just need to start! Once I stop hiding from it and face it I know I can do it. Tick tock, tick tock!