mcaiwas

First, a "win." RAH is 21 days sober today. The longest period ever. AND he said he was going to skip his AA meeting tonight (I didn't comment on that) but then he decided to go.
Now a question: I work a volunteer position at a music festival that I am very much involved with. I work 8-16 hours/week, most weeks of the year, and 50 or so hours/week, the weeks of the festival. I LOVE my volunteering, love the people I volunteer with, and the larger "festival family." My RAH has always been supportive of my work there, has spent many weekends just hanging out at the site while I work, and always bragged to others that his wife was "_____" at "______." It's a small, family oriented festival of about 10,000 attendees.
Recently I left my RAH, because I am exhausted from his alcoholism. I was gone for 2 weeks, and the two weeks just happened to coincide with the two weeks I'd have spent at festival. Now, it was known that I'd be gone during this time, all year. I've been gone the same two weeks for the last 10 years, and will be gone those two weeks for the next 10 years. Usually, RAH and all of our kids and friends would join us at festival, and we'd treasure the hours that we got to spend there.
This year was different, of course. He was thrilled that I came home. I'd told him I'd be home and deal with what was going on there, after fest, but it was a long two weeks for him (for both of us! I've never left before - I am totally serious about this!). He says he'll never set foot on festival grounds again, though, and he doesn't want me to talk about what's going on there. I was there working this weekend, and the second he got home from work (before me) he was calling me. He knew where I was, though I didn't say anything about it. I think he's very jealous of the festival. I think he feels that I "ran away" TO my festival family. I didn't, though. I ran away FROM him. In fact, the first four days I was gone, I stayed in the city I work in, and he knew that. THEN I came home, packed some things and left for the festival.
I am trying to be understanding about this, without being co-dependent. But I'm new to all this and don't really understand co-dependence. If I had left him to go stay with any group of people, I think he'd be jealous of those people, even though my leaving was his doing.
He SAYS he can't stand the thought of me there, or of him going there, because I "can accept those people and their drinking and partying, but when he does the same, he's an alcoholic." Of course, it's a festival, and there are intoxicated people there, some of whom act very stupid. But I have NEVER seen any of my/our people there drunk or intoxicated in any way. He knows that.
I'm not sure how to talk about or address this issue with him. I've reminded him that I did not run away TO the festival, I ran away FROM him, attended to my prior commitments, and then returned to work out our issues. I don't intend to stop my work there, because it is very fulfilling for me (an empty nester with too much time on my hands these days) AND because these people have all become very dear friends of mine. This effort is all I have in my life, other than work and this marriage that is so strained.
I'm interested to hear your thoughts. If it helps, the festival is based on bluegrass/folk/world music....

dandylion

It sounds like a flaming episode of "King Baby" syndrome. Selfish and childish---very immature.

dandylion

lillamy

Agree with dandylion. It's a classic alcoholic "if I can't be the center of your attention 24/7, I'm gonna make it so uncomfortable for you that you'll give up everything else until I'm satisfied."

GOD I'm tired of this damn disease and what it does to people.

Kimmieh

Is that really alcoholic behavior? It sounds very controlling to me and none of the several of the alcoholics in my life is controlling.

In any case, it's your passion and he will just have to deal with that. The hardest part is probably trying to still enjoy as you always have when you know he is at home sulking?

LexieCat

Yeah, I think it's just something he's going to have to accept and deal with. You aren't doing anything wrong, and it's really HIS problem, not yours.

I wouldn't try to argue with him or to convince him of anything, though. That's giving the issue more attention than it deserves. This is one of those things where I think you say, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but this is important to me. If you are having a problem with it, maybe it's something you should discuss with your sponsor." Period. If he doesn't have a sponsor, say, "someone in your program." He SHOULD have a sponsor but it isn't your place to suggest it.

BoxinRotz

My AH does that crap when he's drunk. He'll target my hunting season. I went on a bear hunt with a girl friend of mine and he was on my phone black out drunk last year begging me to answer and if I don't, not to come home. Funny thing is, we're hunting for bears in the mountains where ya don't get cell service.

This year, I told him flat out... Ya better find something to do because this bitch is going hunting! I already bought my Archery, Rifle, Spring n Fall Turkey, Bear soon to be doe tags.

Sorry but that is MY time!

er.... maybe I'm NOT sorry!

wicked

Yes on the King Baby syndrome.
Talking to him is not going to change his mind about this,
because he is a King Baby.
Just because he has to stop drinking in no way means
you give up your life or your passions.

The thing is, he will likely continue to behave like a child about it.

For goodness sake, you have been doing this for years,
and since he cannot participate (drunk) he wants you to
quit.
Foolish drunk, selfish, self serving and self centered.
Stay your course.
Sounds like you know that already.

Might as well let go of anything rational about it from him.

This sounds like fantastic fun! I am jealous!

Beth

BoxinRotz

When my AH is not black out drunk, he is not controlling or selfish. You get him into a 5th of vodka and he's a self centered you know what that thinks the UNIVERSE should revolve around him.

He is far from that when he's sober so in my case, and quite possibly hers (OP) yea... I would say it's a part of his/their alcoholism (which is individual). JMO living with AH.

BoxinRotz

Why does the term KING BABY make me wanna LMAO?!!! Probably because it's so freaking true! I swear King Baby was at my house on Thursday!

wicked

Because it is funny!
I picture a grown man (my ex, he did it too, immature) sitting on
a throne, bottle in one hand, crying crocodile tears and screaming
for Mommy's attention, while kicking and pounding his other fist
on the throne.


Beth

AnvilheadII

you keep doing what feeds YOUR soul....don't ever let anyone sway you from that (ok, a really sick child in the hospital trumps festivals, but still). you did NOTHING wrong. you left in part cuz HE has made life in general miserable...and to attend your volunteer event as you have done for a decade.

he's 21 days sober. 3 little weeks. that is NOT to diminish the effort it takes as an addict to quit anything for three weeks in a row (former crack addict here...3 DAYS was a victory!).

but still....you came into this world gifted with ONE life...yours. it's your Faberge Egg, delicate, rare and exceptional. THAT is your mission, dear, your prime directive.....to live that one special unique life....you will leave footprints on this earth...they can either start to dig a hole by going round and round in circles over the same ground, OR you can let your feet leave imprints of your story.

Carlotta

The way I see it is that he never asked for your permission before getting drunk and he sure did not care that much about your feelings of abandonment or the resentments you had. This is your thing: go and have a blast, his resentment is on him and none of your business.
I have noticed too the King Baby syndrome with a lot of male alcoholics, it's like they have a need for an audience to their temper tantrums. I never understood it, I am a recovering alcoholic myself and my thing was complete isolation.

BoxinRotz

AH was laying in bed and I was waiting patiently for him to pass out. He was putting his feet in my face as I sat on the edge of the bed telling him to go to sleep like a damn toddler! Just ridiculous!!!

wicked

Me too! I wanted to be left alone, just leave me with my beer and my self pity.

OMG! My ex would do that kind of stuff to get my attention when I wanted
silence and isolation. It got much worse when I got sober.
Cause then, I could not blank it out. Good God.
Yep, ludicrous.

FireSprite

Oh, definitely. Many A's are controlling like that, but it can often be a very fine-tuned, subtle type of control. Generally my RAH had these big obvious bouts of control when he was feeling more vulnerable or felt threatened by changes/positivity/support I was receiving in my own life. Anytime he felt the integrity of the balance to his/our dysfunction was threatened, he would react.

FWIW mcaiwas, IMO you could have been staring at a hole in the wall too intensely and too long and he could twist it into a perceived threat to him because you were finding solitude and happiness without him. It isn't about the festival at all, that's just a handy & timely excuse to externalize all the discomfort he is feeling inside.


I would tell him that I'm sorry he feels that way, that it sounds like a good conversation to have with his Sponsor and walk away. I eventually learned the power & freedom of "dropping the rope" and walking away but it took me a while. (too long!)

mcaiwas

Wow! Your responses really stopped me in my tracks, and gave me ALOT to think about. My first thought was "well, if they're right...."
I have to trust that you're right, especially given the unanimous vote to continue what nourishes me. I was inclined to do so, but feel guilty about it. I was thinking that my participation there leaves him alone and lonely (I'm his only friend) and, as a person with PTSD, I can appreciate triggers. I sure appreciate it when someone who knows me doesn't intentionally flip one of my few remaining triggers....
Tonight, I'm going to take some of your other sage advice, and ask someone at my alanon group to temporarily sponsor me.
Thank you for your input and encouragement!

Jazzman

He's being selfish. Music is a passion of mine as well and if a partner wanted me to give up my guitars, my amp building hobby or contemporary jazz, even though it's on the boring side to most, I would have a real problem with that. Partners are supposed to be supportive not suppressive.



This is worth repeating and way more than just a "thanks".


Just be prepared for the next couple of chess moves. You go, he drinks, blames you, you say...

"I'm sorry you feel that way, sounds like a good conversation to have with your Sponsor"

mcaiwas

OK, I've got that line down!
I'm not prepared for him drinking again - still working on what to do if/when...

Florence

My STBXAH would drink and isolate, but he also really resented me being happy without him. He also resented any successes I had or friends I made.

At the time I thought he was "just jealous," but now I think it was more that he wanted to make sure his financial pipeline stayed secure and his addiction wasn't threatened.

To his credit, when he was sober, this was kind of a non-issue. He was still isolated, but was also mostly supportive of my adventures.

Florence

I have to say, too, that I feel like there is a grieving -- or something -- process that takes place for people when they quit using. There are a lot of conflicting feelings. Even as a bystander, I still have a very conflicted relationship with drinking and alcohol. I don't handle drunk people well, can be very judgmental, and would rather not be around it. I've realized a lot of people that I used to be friends with have an unhealthy relationship to alcohol. Like, a LOT of them. Anyway, I feel real compassion for this. Change is hard.

My STBXAH was not only uncomfortable around this stuff, he had a difficult time knowing I was too. The answer to this is NOT more controlling behavior, however. We had some boundaries around it -- no stories about crazy drunks, he didn't want me to come home smelling like alcohol if I'd had a drink. These were all fine. I was not a really hard drinker before I met him, and I'm not a hard drinker after him either.

Your guy has the right not to step on festival grounds again. He has the right to request you don't share that stuff with him. He can request whatever he wants.

But what kind of relationship is it if you can't share your passion with your partner?

You don't have to honor his every request. You don't also have to compromise your life's passions for a husband, either.