Springs

Hi - just want to chime in. I too felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders for my AH when I found this site and found al anon. I felt like I had to save his life and I was terrified. With the advice of people here, and the perspective I got in al anon I realized that the only weight on my shoulders should be for my own self care. Once I started focusing on myself, temporarily moved out, and started trying to have fun again, my H was just stuck with his own crappy drinking life and found recovery. I don't know if the two were connected, at all, but personally I'm glad I took this path instead of giving an ultimatum before I had even learned from al anon or educated myself about alcoholism and codependency.

Remembrance101

Just a thought: Yes, you shouldn't be pushed into making an ultimatum. Yes, it probably won't get him sober bc he has to be ready. However, what if the ultimatum is actually to free you? To know you did it and he failed and you can give yourself permission to move on?

I'm so sorry. So sad.

marie1960

Welcome bmf,

You will find lots of support here.

Please know you are not alone.

Your fiance can only choose recovery for himself.

There is nothing you can say or do to MAKE him choose sobriety.

I can only suggest you educate yourself about addiction.

Only when I truly understood what I was actually dealing with could I make/take positive steps for myself.

Alcoholism is a terrible disease.

It robs us of those we treasure and love.

Hope you continue to post,

ask all the questions you want,
.
We understand what you are currently living.

Hugs to you.

lillamy

Lexie makes a very important point: Just because you initially said you'd do it doesn't mean you have to.

We who live(d) with addicts have a tendency to want to please people and feel really uncomfortable about NOT doing what someone else wants/expects us to do.

And that makes us pretty easy to manipulate.

One of the biggest steps forward I made in my recovery was when I had let myself be talked into a therapy session with AXH and the therapist he was seeing (in both senses of the word, I figured out later). I really didn't want to but it was super hard for me to contact him and say "I'm not going with you to see your therapist because it's not conducive to my recovery" and to respond "No, your recovery is not my business, it's yours" when he started raging at me for "breaking my promise."

But you know what? I survived. And I felt better about myself because I had stood up for myself.

Jazzman

The words "alcoholic" and "fiance" do not belong in the same sentence. His parents are using you and being less than honest about their knowledge of his problem. Future in laws here, be smart about the decisions you make and take all the time you need to make a smart decision. I speak from experience when I say, if you allow his family to manipulate you it will be a decision you will regret. If you marry this very sick man it will be a decision you will regret. If you have children with this very sick man it will be a decision you will regret for the rest of your life.

Seren

Hello bmf and Welcome to SR!

Oh, my, I'm so very sorry you find yourself in this position. It is horrible watching someone we love be so self destructive--and that's what alcoholism is, self destruction.

By now, you have probably had this conversation with your fiance....I hope that you are OK and that you were able to get some sleep last night.

None of us can tell you what you should or should not do. Many, many of us can tell you what it was like or is like to be married to an active alcoholic.

What I hope I can share with you is that in all this drama and noise and chaos that surrounds an alcoholic and eventually extends to include his family and friends is that YOU matter. Your peace, your health, and your sanity matter. What do you want to do?