BeYourself1

@SparkleKitty: I know, I don't need to explain myself again. Over the past week, I've transitioned from thinking, "if I just express myself in the perfect way, he will understand" to "what's the point of even saying anything? I've said it before and nothing happens. It will be no different this time". Honestly, feeling like I have no control over him has freed me from the stress of trying to communicate my emotions to him. Now, when he says something even remotely snarky (be it sober or drunk), I don't get upset and tell him how it hurt my feelings. Rather, I just glance over it in an unemotional way. He apologizes and says "don't take it personally," "I'm not finding fault with you" or something similar. I think to myself, I know your comment has nothing to do with me - you are not happy with yourself. It makes me feel more empowered as an individual but illustrates the lack of appropriate communication between two partners. Yeah, this is only a matter or time now. Thanks for your advice and support - sometimes SR is the only thing that gets me through the tough times.

spiderqueen

BeYourself: I am with you today.

My ABF of 3 years has spent the past week in and out of another binge (they happen every few weeks). I also feel like there is nothing more to say, but am fighting the urge to contact him and say, "One more thing...uhh, I STILL love you, i STILL can't watch you kill yourself, I STILL hope you find sobriety, it STILL isn't happening", ugh. Boring.

I wish for "closure", but I am learning from SR and my own reading, and therapy, that this is probably a form of staying engaged with him. Picking off the scab again. Does this still hurt?? Will he still beg for forgiveness?? Will he swear again never to drink, to work his program? Will he still not quit until he's ready (if ever), and not because I'M SO READY??"

BeYourself1

@SpiderQueen: I have to agree with you about the desire to stay engaged. I stumbled upon the concept of "addictive relationships" with the thought that it had nothing to do with me. Wrong. I can certainly see some "addictive" themes in our relationship and my behavior. While it's not pretty, it's comforting to learn where my behavior was stemming from. And, more importantly, that I have the ability to change how I conduct myself in relationships. Have you done any reading on addictive relationships?

NYCDoglvr

He basically said he's choosing alcohol over you, something only an alcoholic would say. It's a progressive disease and his intake will continue to increase. I hope you go to Alanon.

spiderqueen

Yes. I am definitely addicted to the sad dynamic with ABF. The drama, the intensity, the feeling that he can't live without me, etc. Admitting that, and admitting I was powerless over it, was the first step toward recovery for me.

My dad was emotionally/verbally abusive, a narcissist of the first order, though not an alcoholic. He was a rage-aholic, and everyone walked on eggshells. And most importantly, he was not available to me. I think that's why, for me, "suffering in love" is familiar and even, strangely, comfortable.

That said, my work now (I'm 45, I better get crackin', and the old man is dead) is taking responsibility for what I will tolerate, and learning to stop tolerating it. I want a happier life, and I want to model healthy relationships for my dear daughters. Even if that means NO relationship, for now.

I can't "go see him and explain", much as I desire to. That would be like an alcoholic sitting across the table from the whiskey, and trying to "explain" why he needs to quit drinking it. So I am mustering every ounce of will power, and not calling, texting, emailing or showing up at his place. At least for today. One day at a time.

BeYourself1

SpiderQueen: Good for you for not contacting him - I know it's tempting! But, you are right to be a good role model for your daughters and to take care of yourself. Your insight about the relationship with your father and how it is mirrored with your ABF is very interesting. It got me thinking. My father was an alcoholic and I didn't have any real relationship/connection with him. (Not saying that is ALL his fault...after all, my mom, in my opinion, played a rather manipulating card.) I tried numerous times to connect with him and tell him how his drinking made me feel. This is just what I do with my ABF. I NEED to do some reprogramming on relationships, love, emotions, etc.

Did you live with your ABF? If so, how did you leave? I know it sounds like a dumb question, but I am trying to imagine the logistics behind how I will do this. When (day/time) do I tell him? When do I pack? Do I answer his calls? How often do I speak/communicate with him? Ugh!

spiderqueen

^^^^YES.^^^^^^^

I never did let mine move in. Thank god, as it turns out. Given that you DO co-habit, I think much depends on his volatility. Many on this forum have faced hostile, and even life-threatening behavior from an active alcoholic, who feels his partner slipping away. If you're worried about this, call your local women's shelter hotline for help and resources first.

If not, AND YOU REALLY INTEND TO LEAVE AND NOT JUST HOPE HE'LL CHANGE, find a place, sign a lease, and make plans to move before you talk - chances are, he will talk you out of it otherwise. Then pick a quiet time, and calmly announce that you won't live with someone who is drinking and not working a recovery program. Period. Do as much ahead as you can, including packing. And don't engage in any more useless conversations about it, which most likely means going no-contact once you're out of the shared place.

This is all just my opinion, mind you - obviously, you need to do what is best and safest for you, which might mean a talk with a licensed therapist first? Anyway, I'm sorry for you (and me) and glad if we can offer support to each other!

BeYourself1

SpiderQueen: Thank you for your support! Yes, we are here for one another. The other day I thought about how it would feel when posting that I left. lol

Anyway, my parents live about 1.5 hrs away. I intend to move there until I determine where I move next (CA or CO). I've been talking about this with my mother and she understands (as best she can) the situation. I don't have any fears for my safety, but I know he will throw down some mean words as he is particularly gifted in that area. My goal is to remain calm, NOT CRY, tell him I love him and walk out. While it's empowering to make this decision, I also feel extreme dread. I didn't think I could feel those two emotions simultaneously. I guess I'm coming to terms with the writing on the wall.