Why can't I let go?
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Glasgow
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Why can't I let go?
Had contact with XABF. Asked him the question about our future to him face to face and he just stared straight ahead at the tv....it's like he just shuts down in front of me. I started to cry and said why are you doing this and he just did not reply. I drove him home after this. The night before my son came home unexpectedly. He's 21 and he came in and asked my ex what he was doing and why was he treating me like an idiot? My son said look at my mum she's 'quality' and now she's taking antidepressants because of you. My son said to him he just wants us to be happy. My x then asked me was it true that I was taking tablets and he then put his hands on his head and said he was so sorry he'd done this and that it was a reality check my sons words and that he knew he had to grow up and do something about himself. He did say that his drinking had caused this and he didn't realise it had affected me so badly. However the next day he wasn't saying anything much. He had been drinking the previous night so it had obviously loosened his tongue. Alcoholism does not make sense. I just wanted a face to face conversation where the 2 of us could agree that this was not working but it's like he won't go there. It's like ll the responsibility is on me for this it's so frustrating. I not understand the way he operates and never will.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 336
I think you're doing what i am doing. Expecting anything reasonable from him is a waste of time.
I think we just have to bite the bullet and say I am dumping you because I am not happy and I want to be.
Sorry you are feeling like this. I think though a lot of the problem is us - why do we even consider being with someone who is behaving like this.
I need to work on me. ((hugs))
I think we just have to bite the bullet and say I am dumping you because I am not happy and I want to be.
Sorry you are feeling like this. I think though a lot of the problem is us - why do we even consider being with someone who is behaving like this.
I need to work on me. ((hugs))
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Hi cr995 we seem to be a right pair of headcases at the moment! I just read your post in your thread and I feel the same way so why on earth do I keep trying to force a solution when either way there is none? Expecting mature open conversation is a total waste of time. I need to try harder to let it go. I'm reading the book from abandonment to healing at the moment and have read up on love addiction too. I believe I'm addicted to him but where I live there are no 12 step meetings for love addiction. I did go to SLAA once but the meeting was all men and I just wasn't comfortable with that. It's never going to be a happy ending I can see that but it's like a sick compulsion to keep going back there. Like you I need to keep working on myself I've got too much to lose. I want to be happy and last night caused me so much heartache and tears.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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From what you've written, I don't think you're even close to being a "sex and love addict." You are hooked on this one relationship. It's endemic with partners of alcoholics. We keep expecting and hoping they will meet our emotional needs but they don't have the equipment to do it.
How about working on meeting your OWN emotional needs? Are you going to Al-Anon?
How about working on meeting your OWN emotional needs? Are you going to Al-Anon?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 336
Brightstar43 - some years ago - heck many years ago my mum told me about something that happens to wolves when they lick a knife. While licking the knife they cut their tongue and it bleeds but even though it hurts they love the taste of the blood so they keep licking it over and over again . I could not have been more than 8 or 9 years old when she told me that but somehow - I remember. Why? hmmnn...
Yes alanon is a help - I am going to go back to the steps with my sponsor this week as i have slipped. It definitely helps to take the focus off him AFTER I place it on me rather than the other way around.
Yes alanon is a help - I am going to go back to the steps with my sponsor this week as i have slipped. It definitely helps to take the focus off him AFTER I place it on me rather than the other way around.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Yes I'm going to al anon have been for 4 years. When I break up with him though I find it hard because most of these women are still in these relationships partner either still drinking or sober. I would love to find meeting where all the women had left their partners I think that would be more helpful but there's no meetings like that. I just want to be done with this once and for all. cr995 your mum is a wise woman I can identify with the wolf!
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Lexie I agree I'm def not a sex addict but I can identify with love addiction and being attracted to avoidant personality types, on reading these men can be alcoholic or have another addiction that keeps them emotionally I available. I just need to pray when I have the urge to intact him that I fight it. It's the only way through it. I'm on antidepressants so hopefully they will make a difference soon. Just trying to find myself again. Starting back at yoga tomorrow and keeping myself busy x
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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I know what you mean about the other women being still with the A. I am in a similar situation - but a at least half the time I have noticed that whether they are with an active A or RA, I find myself after a meeting thinking Thank God I don't have to live with that anymore, and I do feel like saying, leave, get out, live your life, he's not good for you, he never will be. I can see much more from the outside and it looks like an awful lot of misery.
Just saying.
Just saying.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
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Originally Posted by brightstar43 
Lexie I agree I'm def not a sex addict but I can identify with love addiction and being attracted to avoidant personality types, on reading these men can be alcoholic or have another addiction that keeps them emotionally I available. I just need to pray when I have the urge to intact him that I fight it. It's the only way through it. I'm on antidepressants so hopefully they will make a difference soon. Just trying to find myself again. Starting back at yoga tomorrow and keeping myself busy x
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
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Cool thread
I can relate a lot to what is here, especially that sense of despair when another person (usually my current partner) won't do what I want or tell me what I want to hear.
I was telling a friend yesterday how al anon started which really amounts to bill Wilsons wife being unhappy, despite him being sober and her own realisation that trying to get happiness and comfort out of another person was doomed to failure.
However that behaviour for me is just compulsive. At times I have little or no control over it. It has certainly got better tho in the time I have spent in al anon. I did a few years in slaa too which helped hugely despite being outrageously painful.
I think regardless of the situation, there's always hope. It may not be in that the other person changing but it does lie in the fact that as family members we can lead good, productive, happy lives which honour ourselves when we learn not to let another's behaviour debelitate us. I do need to remember this today myself.
I was telling a friend yesterday how al anon started which really amounts to bill Wilsons wife being unhappy, despite him being sober and her own realisation that trying to get happiness and comfort out of another person was doomed to failure.
However that behaviour for me is just compulsive. At times I have little or no control over it. It has certainly got better tho in the time I have spent in al anon. I did a few years in slaa too which helped hugely despite being outrageously painful.
I think regardless of the situation, there's always hope. It may not be in that the other person changing but it does lie in the fact that as family members we can lead good, productive, happy lives which honour ourselves when we learn not to let another's behaviour debelitate us. I do need to remember this today myself.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Thanks for all the replies. Tonight has been a good night for me, feel less agitated and I'm getting some relief. I'm oing t yoga tomorrow morning. Got off to a slow trot today but once I had a shower and dressed the da became easier. Just trying to accept and praying or this. It's time to move on. No phone call from him tonight, that's not the solution to this anyway I know that. I just so want to be over him
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Dear BrightStar, I am a bit puzzled that you refer to him as XABF and yet, you continue to see him. Did you two break up or not? Perhaps you covered this in the past--if so, I am sorry. Perhaps you would be patient enough to refresh me?
Some people attend grief therapy groups for the loss of a relationship--since the process is actually much the same as after a death of a loved one. I do believe you are already grieving. What do you think?
dandylion
Some people attend grief therapy groups for the loss of a relationship--since the process is actually much the same as after a death of a loved one. I do believe you are already grieving. What do you think?
dandylion
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Glasgow
Posts: 94
Hi dandylion things are so dysfunctional just now. In my mind we have broke up. He never allows a break up conversation to take place. I am the one who usually breaks no contact, that is the pattern. I truly believe I'm addicted to him, it's awful like my brain just flicks a switch then I start craving contact. I must try harder. I do believe I'm grieving, even when he was here yesterday I was weeping (this is unusual for me as I ont usually cry easily) even him being here did not relieve my pain so I believe im letting go in tiny pieces. After our conversation last night, or my one sided conversation I was really upset but seem to have picked myself up. My son and daughter like him but say he is not good for me and I know this. It's up to me to maintain no contact because he will just keep coming back if I allow it.
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I just wanted a face to face conversation where the 2 of us could agree that this was not working but it's like he won't go there. It's like ll the responsibility is on me for this
i just want to touch on this....we are always responsible for getting in to relationships, staying in relationships, and then choosing to be done with relationships. i don't believe you really want to have a civil sit down with him in which he ultimately AGREES it's over and gives you his blessing to leave....what you really want is to finally say those MAGIC words that will transform his thoughts and actions and poof he becomes your mr wonderful.
ain't gonna happen. if you are seeking validation, he is about the lousiest place you could pick to try and get any. that's been the problem....seeking emotional support and response from someone who is emotionally unavailable. seeking to be honored and respected by someone who would barely swerve to miss an old lady in a walker trying to get across the street. seeking to have rational, mature conversations of meaning and depth, with someone whose primary concern seems to be the ever decreasing level of alcohol in the bottle.
as you move along you will discover that really has very little to do with HIM......just like they say with alcoholics, drinking was but a symptom. choosing unhealthy unfulfilling partners and then hanging on to them for dear life is a symptom of deeper unmet needs.
when you get the urge to call, stop, and ask yourself truly what IS IT that you WANT at that moment. and then, how ELSE can you fill that want....OR can you just sit with it and let it pass? we do not HAVE to operate on every thought that trots across our mind!!!! we do not HAVE to DO something with feelings....we can just feel them. when we notice we are overdwelling or ruminating, we can stop our train of thought and redirect it. and then 30 seconds later, do it again if need be! we quit looking to THEM to fix us....
i just want to touch on this....we are always responsible for getting in to relationships, staying in relationships, and then choosing to be done with relationships. i don't believe you really want to have a civil sit down with him in which he ultimately AGREES it's over and gives you his blessing to leave....what you really want is to finally say those MAGIC words that will transform his thoughts and actions and poof he becomes your mr wonderful.
ain't gonna happen. if you are seeking validation, he is about the lousiest place you could pick to try and get any. that's been the problem....seeking emotional support and response from someone who is emotionally unavailable. seeking to be honored and respected by someone who would barely swerve to miss an old lady in a walker trying to get across the street. seeking to have rational, mature conversations of meaning and depth, with someone whose primary concern seems to be the ever decreasing level of alcohol in the bottle.
as you move along you will discover that really has very little to do with HIM......just like they say with alcoholics, drinking was but a symptom. choosing unhealthy unfulfilling partners and then hanging on to them for dear life is a symptom of deeper unmet needs.
when you get the urge to call, stop, and ask yourself truly what IS IT that you WANT at that moment. and then, how ELSE can you fill that want....OR can you just sit with it and let it pass? we do not HAVE to operate on every thought that trots across our mind!!!! we do not HAVE to DO something with feelings....we can just feel them. when we notice we are overdwelling or ruminating, we can stop our train of thought and redirect it. and then 30 seconds later, do it again if need be! we quit looking to THEM to fix us....
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
I just wanted a face to face conversation where the 2 of us could agree that this was not working but it's like he won't go there. It's like ll the responsibility is on me for this
i just want to touch on this....we are always responsible for getting in to relationships, staying in relationships, and then choosing to be done with relationships. i don't believe you really want to have a civil sit down with him in which he ultimately AGREES it's over and gives you his blessing to leave....what you really want is to finally say those MAGIC words that will transform his thoughts and actions and poof he becomes your mr wonderful.
ain't gonna happen. if you are seeking validation, he is about the lousiest place you could pick to try and get any. that's been the problem....seeking emotional support and response from someone who is emotionally unavailable. seeking to be honored and respected by someone who would barely swerve to miss an old lady in a walker trying to get across the street. seeking to have rational, mature conversations of meaning and depth, with someone whose primary concern seems to be the ever decreasing level of alcohol in the bottle.
as you move along you will discover that really has very little to do with HIM......just like they say with alcoholics, drinking was but a symptom. choosing unhealthy unfulfilling partners and then hanging on to them for dear life is a symptom of deeper unmet needs.
when you get the urge to call, stop, and ask yourself truly what IS IT that you WANT at that moment. and then, how ELSE can you fill that want....OR can you just sit with it and let it pass? we do not HAVE to operate on every thought that trots across our mind!!!! we do not HAVE to DO something with feelings....we can just feel them. when we notice we are overdwelling or ruminating, we can stop our train of thought and redirect it. and then 30 seconds later, do it again if need be! we quit looking to THEM to fix us....
i just want to touch on this....we are always responsible for getting in to relationships, staying in relationships, and then choosing to be done with relationships. i don't believe you really want to have a civil sit down with him in which he ultimately AGREES it's over and gives you his blessing to leave....what you really want is to finally say those MAGIC words that will transform his thoughts and actions and poof he becomes your mr wonderful.
ain't gonna happen. if you are seeking validation, he is about the lousiest place you could pick to try and get any. that's been the problem....seeking emotional support and response from someone who is emotionally unavailable. seeking to be honored and respected by someone who would barely swerve to miss an old lady in a walker trying to get across the street. seeking to have rational, mature conversations of meaning and depth, with someone whose primary concern seems to be the ever decreasing level of alcohol in the bottle.
as you move along you will discover that really has very little to do with HIM......just like they say with alcoholics, drinking was but a symptom. choosing unhealthy unfulfilling partners and then hanging on to them for dear life is a symptom of deeper unmet needs.
when you get the urge to call, stop, and ask yourself truly what IS IT that you WANT at that moment. and then, how ELSE can you fill that want....OR can you just sit with it and let it pass? we do not HAVE to operate on every thought that trots across our mind!!!! we do not HAVE to DO something with feelings....we can just feel them. when we notice we are overdwelling or ruminating, we can stop our train of thought and redirect it. and then 30 seconds later, do it again if need be! we quit looking to THEM to fix us....
Just sitting with pain, and not trying to make it instantly go away, is hard at first, but gets easier with practice.
And guess what, it's the resistance/avoidance that makes it more painful than it actually IS when you just sit with it.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
i just want to touch on this....we are always responsible for getting in to relationships, staying in relationships, and then choosing to be done with relationships. i don't believe you really want to have a civil sit down with him in which he ultimately AGREES it's over and gives you his blessing to leave....what you really want is to finally say those MAGIC words that will transform his thoughts and actions and poof he becomes your mr wonderful.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 336
Brightstar it IS an addiction to him. The difference is that you are recognizing it and trying to do something about it.
It's hard and it takes a long time.
I don't think anybody starts off with huge unmet needs - its a very insidous disease and it creeps up on us soo slowly.
My job used to be to help women in abusive situations!! And I could not see it happening to ME!
I remember the last time we had got back together - I was standing at the sink washing dishes and I thought oh please God next time he leaves let me enjoy it as much as I can because I CANNOT believe that I worried so much that this was over .
I also recorded arguments and things he said etc but at one point I deleted them thinking I am not saving any space on my hard drive for this loser!
I think a lot of our problem is actually an amnesia.
Plus don't underestimate the effect of an abusive relationship on us. You become so worn down.
A lot of the feelings we have are textbook - best thing is always do what is best for us in the long run. At least that's what I am doing. It might take me a long time to get there but thinking too far into the future was scaring me so the one day at a time is where i am back to right now.
It's hard and it takes a long time.
I don't think anybody starts off with huge unmet needs - its a very insidous disease and it creeps up on us soo slowly.
My job used to be to help women in abusive situations!! And I could not see it happening to ME!
I remember the last time we had got back together - I was standing at the sink washing dishes and I thought oh please God next time he leaves let me enjoy it as much as I can because I CANNOT believe that I worried so much that this was over .
I also recorded arguments and things he said etc but at one point I deleted them thinking I am not saving any space on my hard drive for this loser!
I think a lot of our problem is actually an amnesia.
Plus don't underestimate the effect of an abusive relationship on us. You become so worn down.
A lot of the feelings we have are textbook - best thing is always do what is best for us in the long run. At least that's what I am doing. It might take me a long time to get there but thinking too far into the future was scaring me so the one day at a time is where i am back to right now.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 38
Originally Posted by brightstar43
Hi dandylion things are so dysfunctional just now. In my mind we have broke up. He never allows a break up conversation to take place. I am the one who usually breaks no contact, that is the pattern. I truly believe I'm addicted to him, it's awful like my brain just flicks a switch then I start craving contact. I must try harder. I do believe I'm grieving, even when he was here yesterday I was weeping (this is unusual for me as I ont usually cry easily) even him being here did not relieve my pain so I believe im letting go in tiny pieces. After our conversation last night, or my one sided conversation I was really upset but seem to have picked myself up. My son and daughter like him but say he is not good for me and I know this. It's up to me to maintain no contact because he will just keep coming back if I allow it.
This is me to a t, freaky that a lot of us feel this way.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Glasgow
Posts: 94
It is freaky and terrifying at times. I never thought it was possible to feel like this about another person. Next time I get the urges to call I'm going to try really hard to sit with the feelings and pray to my higher power to give me strength. Sometimes in my head I think this is so crazy.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
You can't let go because you don't want to yet. When you want to, you will; you'll know it when it happens, and it will be sad but not traumatic.
It's ok - detaching from an enmeshed co-dependent relationship takes time. Be easy on yourself. One step at a time.
It's ok - detaching from an enmeshed co-dependent relationship takes time. Be easy on yourself. One step at a time.
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